POKING AROUND ON THE TWELFTH SATURDAY

So, is it a good thing when the NYSE drops 1,000 points in the first 15 minutes of trading? Like it did yesterday morning? Asking for a friend. Did you hear that Faux Snooze has removed the stock market ticker? Anyway, it’s Day 76 of the failed Trump Fascist revolution and there are 586 days to the mid terms. Central American coffee was already up 10% yesterday at Trader Joe’s, with Sumatran and Colombian up 20%.

As the global markets plummeted for a second consecutive day in reaction to Dumbasfuck's tariffs announcement, he shared a video on social media that claims the crash is intentional. With this worthless asswipe, everything is a confession.

At close of market on Friday, US stocks were battered by a steep sell-off after China retaliated against the United States for Dumbasfuck’s tariffs in a tit-for-tat that escalates a global trade war.

The Dow plunged by 2,231 points, or 5.5%. The broader S&P 500 was 5.97% lower. The tech-heavy Nasdaq Composite was 5.82% lower. The Nasdaq closed in a bear market for the first time since 2022, down more than 20% from its record high in December. The Dow closed in correction, down more than 10% from its record high in December. It is the first time the Dow has closed in correction since March 7, 2022. The Dow posted its biggest back-to-back losses since March 2020, during the onset of the Covid-19 pandemic. The S&P 500 shed $5.06 trillion in market value across the past two days (as compared to $7.5 trillion in the first two months of Maladministrtation II). The benchmark index, which entered correction Thursday, sank more than 10% over the past two days. Traders ditched risky stocks, especially tech companies whose products are manufactured overseas and could soon be subject to enormous tariffs. Apple tumbled more than 9% Thursday and was down another 7.3% Friday. As investors sold stocks, they poured money into traditional safe havens, including government bonds. The 10-year Treasury yield, which briefly fell below 4% Thursday for the first time since October, fell firmly below 4% Friday as investors bought bonds to insulate themselves from a potential economic downturn. Bond prices and yields trade in opposite directions. Wait till the Chinese start selling the Treasury notes they hold. We’ll soon find out how “safe” a ”haven” Treasuries are. US oil, which plunged nearly 7% Thursday, tumbled another 7.4% to $61.99 a barrel. Let’s see how safe Treasures are when China starts selling off our debt.

Proof of what the tariffs are really about came Friday when Dumbasfuck posted that he had a “productive conversation” with the Chairman of the Vietnamese Communist Party about how Vietnam could change its policies to get “zero tariffs.” This is all about the senile old traitor trying to get the world to bend its knee to him. His tariffs make sense as a form of shakedown, an extortion racket. Because the tariffs are specific to each country and industry, he has the ability to gain leverage over each and every one. He can, as David Sanger wrote in The New York Times, “dial them up or down, like a thermostat.” It’s terrible, destructive economic policy. But as old school mob boss policy goes, it could work. Dumbasfuck now, very likely, hopes to spend the months and years ahead with business chiefs and government leaders coming to him on bended knee and saying “Godfather, I come to ask you a favor.” And, of course, after some tawdry humiliation, our Don will respond, “Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me.” He will lay out his terms. He will feel powerful, even against those he knows look down upon him. He will get something out of it. If he’s generous, his allies will. We sure won’t.

From the Department of Watch How China Responds To This Shit: Yesterday, China’s Finance Ministry said it will impose a 34% tariff on all goods imported from the U.S. starting on April 10, following duties imposed by PINO earlier this week. “China urges the United States to immediately cancel its unilateral tariff measures and resolve trade differences through consultation in an equal, respectful and mutually beneficial manner,” the ministry said, according to a Google translation. It further criticized Washington’s decision to impose 34% of additional reciprocal levies on China — bringing total U.S. tariffs against the country to 54% — as “inconsistent with international trade rules” and “seriously” undermining Chinese interests, as well as endangering “global economic development and the stability of the production and supply chain,” according to a Google-translated report from Chinese state news outlet Xinhua. Separately, China also added 11 U.S. firms to the “unreliable entities list” that the Beijing administration says have violated market rules or contractual commitments. China’s Ministry of Commerce announced they will restrict exports of 7 types of rare earths, start an anti-dumping probe into medical CT X-ray tubes from US, halt imports of poultry products from the US, and add 11 US defense companies to their “unreliable entity” list. The rare earth export ban is the one that is really going to hurt, because some of these are mined almost exclusively in China and are used in many high-tech products including EVs.

From the Department of Why Should We Care About Those Suckers And Losers? The Department of Veterans Affairs said Thursday that it will end a mortgage-rescue program designed to help veterans who have fallen behind on their mortgages keep their homes. But the scant details offered so far by the VA make it unclear whether the program will be replaced by a different rescue program — or whether the move will strand thousands of other vets, many of whom are in financial peril because of the VA's own mistakes. Tens of thousands of veterans were left facing foreclosure after the VA abruptly cancelled a key part of a pandemic-era mortgage relief program that allowed vets to skip mortgage payments if they had trouble paying. When NPR first uncovered the VA's move in late 2023, there were about 40,000 vets in danger of losing their homes. The VA responded by halting foreclosures for a full year while it rolled out a rescue plan. That rescue plan, called VASP, has now put 17,109 veterans and their families into new, low-interest-rate, affordable mortgages, according to the VA. In a statement to NPR Thursday, the VA said it was ending the VASP program. "Beginning May 1, 2025, VA's Veterans Affairs Servicing Purchase Program [VASP]... will stop accepting new enrollees," it said. "This change is necessary because VA is not set up or intended to be a mortgage loan restructuring service." Veterans groups, housing advocates, and mortgage company executives all say they believe that ending VASP without replacing it with another affordable option for veterans who have fallen behind on their loan payments could result in unnecessary foreclosures.

From the Department of Bye-Bye Good Time Charlie: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is leading Chuck Schumer by double digits in a new head-to-head poll of the 2028 New York primary. The survey by the liberal firm Data for Progress found that 55 percent of Democratic likely voters said they supported or leaned toward supporting Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, while 36 percent backed or leaned toward backing Sen. Schumer. Nine percent were undecided. The poll is the latest sign that Schumer’s standing among the Democratic base has taken a hit since he voted to advance a GOP funding bill last month that avoided a government shutdown. The fact that Data for Progress conducted and released the poll also underscores that liberal organizations are continuing to look for ways to prod Schumer to take a tougher stance against President Donald Trump. “This poll really does show that Democrats are united in just wanting to stand up, wanting to fight, wanting to see someone taking a stand for them,” said Danielle Deiseroth, executive director of Data for Progress. A poll 3 years out is meaningless, but if I was Good Time Charlie, I’d pay attention.

From the Department of The Fuckups Keep Fucking Down: Former Cable TV medical scam artist Dr. Mehmet Oz was confirmed on Thursday to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) in a party-line 53-45 vote. He will manage health insurance programs for roughly half the country, with oversight of Medicare, Medicaid and Affordable Care Act coverage. He steps into the new role as Congress is debating cuts to the Medicaid program, which provides coverage to millions of poor and disabled Americans. Oz has not said yet whether he would oppose such cuts to the government-funded program, instead offering a vision of promoting healthier lifestyles, integrating artificial intelligence and telehealth into the system, and rethinking rural healthcare delivery. During a hearing last month, he told senators that he did favor work requirements for Medicaid recipients, but that paperwork shouldn’t be used to reaffirm that they are working or to block people from staying enrolled.

From the Department of Go Fuck Yourself In Your Face Widdle Marco: During a visit to Greenland Denmark's prime minister has told the U.S. that “you cannot annex another country,” even with the argument that international security is at stake. U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, meanwhile, said on Friday that Copenhagen “should focus on the fact that the Greenlanders don’t want to be a part of Denmark.” (Sorry, you dumb fucking Gusano midget, that is INCORRECT) Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen was wrapping up a three-day visit to the strategically critical Arctic island on Friday. A week ago, Vice President Couchfucker visited a remote U.S. military base in Greenland and accused Denmark of underinvesting in the territory. Frederiksen pushed back against the U.S. criticism as she spoke on Thursday alongside Greenland's incoming and outgoing leaders on board a Danish naval ship. She argued that Denmark, a NATO ally, has been a reliable friend. Speaking in English, she said that “if we let ourselves be divided as allies, then we do our foes a favor. And I will do everything that I can to prevent that from happening. When you ask our businesses to invest in the U.S., they do. When you ask us to spend more on our defense, we do; and when you ask of us to strengthen security in the Arctic, we are on the same page,” she said. “But when you demand to take over a part of the Kingdom of Denmark’s territory, when we are met by pressure and by threats from our closest ally, what are we to believe about the country that we have admired for so many years?” Political parties in Greenland, which has been leaning toward eventual independence from Denmark for years, last week agreed to form a broad-based new coalition government in the face of Trump's designs on the territory. Those have angered many in Greenland and Denmark.

From the ever-busy Department of The Wrong RFK Got Shot: Kennedy family DNA failure RFK jr suggested Thursday that around 20% of the job cuts by DOGE will be wrong and need to be corrected. "Personnel that should not have been cut, were cut. We're reinstating them. And that was always the plan. Part of the DOGE, we talked about this from the beginning, is we're going to do 80% cuts, but 20% of those are going to have to be reinstated, because we'll make mistakes," Kennedy said, speaking to reporters at a stop in Virginia. Kennedy said that the elimination of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's entire Lead Poisoning Prevention and Surveillance Branch was among the mistakes.

Another from the ever-busy Department of The Fuckups Keep Fucking Down: The Department of Energy has awarded a new $1.4 billion contract to Strategic Storage Partners, LLC—hardly a household name—to manage the Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR). The new contract covers a five-year term with the option to extend for another five. After a transition period, Strategic Storage Partners will take over from the current SPR management firm, Fluor Federal Petroleum Operations (FFPO) on June 15, 2025. This award replaces FFPO’s longstanding contract, which began in 2013 and, through extensions and modifications, ballooned to a total value of around $3.3 billion over 12 years. The new deal is not too far from that—$1.4 billion over five years—though DOE retains the option to renew for a second term. DOE says the selection of the little-known company followed a “rigorous competitive process.” Strategic Storage Partners, a lesser-known name, now inherits a high-stakes job: managing the largest stockpile of crude oil on the planet, under the watchful eye of both markets and policymakers. I wonder what the size of their “campaign contribution” was...

From the Department of PINO Kicks MAGA Mike In His Ass: PINO said Thursday he supports the effort to allow for proxy voting for new parents in Congress, while the standoff between House GOP leadership and Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-Fla.) hardens over the issue. “I don’t know why it’s controversial. I’m gonna let the Speaker make the decision, but I like the idea of being able to — if you’re having a baby, I think you should be able to call in and vote. I’m in favor of that.” (Isn’t it nice, how he lets the head of the Article I part of the government, the number three in line of presidential succession, make his own decisions, just like as if he ran a co–equal branch of the government?) MAGA Mike has been scrambling to break an impasse over the push for proxy voting, after Luna joined with more than 200 Democrats and nine Republicans to use a procedure known as a discharge petition to circumvent leadership and force a vote on the matter. The White House had been mum on whether the president backs Luna or Johnson on the issue after Michael Jackson Nose enthusiast Karoline Leavitt told reporters Tuesday that she didn’t know PINO’s stance on proxy voting.

From the Department of Maladministration II Gets Slapped Again: FEMA was again ordered to disburse millions of dollars of grants to Democratic-led states, finding the administration’s withholding of the funds breached his previous ruling. “FEMA’s manual review process violates the Court’s preliminary injunction order,” U.S. District Judge John McConnell wrote. McConnell, an appointee of former President Obama, has blocked the administration from implementing an across-the-board freeze on federal grants as the states’ lawsuit proceeds and has now twice found the administration wasn’t in compliance. Late last month, the attorneys general from Washington, D.C., and 22 states returned to McConnell over concerns that FEMA was instituting a grant review process in violation of his order. The states said they were waiting on a combined tens of millions of dollars in disbursements. The InJustice Department pushed back, insisting to the judge that FEMA was in compliance. “FEMA’s manual review process has nothing to do with the OMB Directive, and is expressly not a pause or freeze on funding — it is instead a change to the manner in which FEMA processes and approves payment requests,” the department wrote in court filings. “FEMA intends to make appropriate payments under the relevant grants, which forecloses Plaintiffs’ allegations of a continued ‘pause’ or ‘freeze.’” McConnell disagreed, saying the review “essentially imposes an indefinite categorical pause on payments.” He went on to find the review is “covertly” an attempt by Maladministration II to implement PINO’s executive order that aims to ensure so-called sanctuary cities don’t receive federal funds.

From the Department of What Could Possibly Go Wrong With This: Mel Gibson - who is such an awful piece of shit that I can’t willingly suspend disbelief any more and enjoy “The Year of Living Dangerously” - is reportedly slated to have his gun rights restored. Gibson, who lost his right to own a gun after being convicted of a domestic violence misdemeanor in 2011, has apparently been granted a restoration by InJustice Department officials. Citing sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity, The New York Times reports that the decision was ultimately approved by Attorney General Law Barbie Pam Bondi and also applies to nine others. They added that further details will be published in The Federal Register.

From the Department of You Knew This Would Happen: After heading down to Motel-A-Lardass to kiss the asses the Seventh Century Camel Fuckers and spend the weekend cheating at golf while the world spins upside down and global stock markets plummeted in response to his universal tariff declaration, everybody’s favorite Senile Old Fatass climbed onto the golden throne last night since he couldn’t sleep after snorting all the Adderall, and proceeded to defend his good friend, French Fascist leader Marine Le Pen, who was recently barred from office after being found guilty of embezzlement and financial fraud. Writing at Lies Anti-Social, the senile old traitor said: “The Witch Hunt against Marine Le Pen is another example of European Leftists using Lawfare to silence Free Speech, and censor their Political Opponent, this time going to so far as to put that Opponent in prison. It is the same ‘playbook’ that was used against me by a group of Lunatics and Losers. I don’t know Marine Le Pen, but do appreciate how hard she worked for so many years. She suffered losses, but kept going, and now, just before what would be a Big Victory, they get her on a minor charge that she probably knew nothing about—Sounds like a ‘bookkeeping’ error to me. FREE MARINE LE PEN!” In fact, the court found Le Pen and two dozen co-defendants had used the European Parliament as a “cash cow,” diverting nearly $5 million in parliamentary funds over an 11-year period when her party’s coffers were precariously low. The judge found that Le Pen and her co-defendants had refused to acknowledge the facts, and she felt compelled to treat them like any other defendant that refuses to take responsibility. The court has to “ensure that elected officials, like any citizen, do not benefit from any favorable treatment,” the judge said when announcing the verdict. Russian stooge who took 100,000 from the FSB to disrupt American politics podcaster Tim Pool said of the verdict, “Wow so crazy this kinda thing keeps happening to right wing politicians. This proves that right wingers who gain popularity in every country are criminals.” As a matter of fact, Tim, you’re right - all of you talentless scum are nothing but natural-born criminals; it’s why you’re a right wing loser.

From the Department of The Unsupremes Strike Again: In a 5-4 emergency ruling, the UnSupreme Court sided with Maladministration II, allowing officials to block $65 million in teacher development grants frozen over concerns they were promoting DEI practices. The ruling, for now, lifts a lower order that allowed the Education Department to resume the grants in eight Democratic-led states that are suing. The five far right conservatives sided with Maladministration II to grant the request. Chief Justice John Roberts and the court’s three liberal justices dissented. The decision is not a final ruling in the case, and the dispute could ultimately return to the Supreme Court. In February, the administration began canceling disbursements under two federal education grants aimed at developing educators and combating teacher shortages: the Teacher Quality Partnership Program and the Supporting Effective Educator Development Program. U.S. District Judge Myong Joun, an appointee of former President Obama who serves in Boston, issued a March 10 temporary restraining order mandating the administration immediately resume the grant programs in the eight states. The InJustice Department wrote in court filings: “Beyond the systemic, irreparable constitutional harm to the Executive Branch from judicial arrogation of executive functions as to how and when agencies will disburse or cancel grants, even the court of appeals acknowledged that the government ‘may incur some irreparable harm if it cannot recoup this money.’” The states, whose lawsuit alleges applicable regulations don’t permit the administration to stop the grant programs, noted the lower ruling is temporary and normally not appealable. “The district court acted appropriately in granting a narrow and time-limited restraining order while it proceeds to a prompt ruling on the motion for a preliminary injunction. There is no sound basis for this Court to stay or vacate that order,” the states wrote. Led by California, the coalition also comprises Massachusetts, New Jersey, Colorado, Illinois, Maryland, New York and Wisconsin. Their lawsuit now returns to the trial court, where Joun is mulling whether to grant a longer injunction after holding a Friday hearing.

From the Department of Fuck You In Your Faces Maladministration II: A federal judge on Friday ordered the Trump administration to return to the U.S. Kilmar Abrego Garcia, a Salvadoran national who resides in Maryland, was protected from removal by a judge in 2019. The order from U.S. District Court Judge Paula Xinis instructs Maladministration II to bring Abrego Garcia to the U.S. by end of day Monday. Maladministration II admitted in court filings earlier this week that it sent him to El Salvador’s Terrorism Confinement Center, also known as CECOT, due to an “administrative error.” Xinis’s brief order determined that Abrego Garcia’s “continued presence in El Salvador, for obvious reasons, constitutes irreparable harm” and noted that he was removed from the U.S. “without any legal process.” Abrego Garcia’s wife, a U.S. citizen, filed the suit that led to Friday’s decision. He’s the only one of the more than 200 men sent to the prison who has been ordered to be returned to the United States. The order raises questions about what steps Maladministration II might take to secure his return, having previously said the case raises “difficult questions.” Friday night, Asalvadoran president Bukele posted a “fuck you” gif to the judge. This next week is likely to see Maladministration II “cross the Rubicon” by openly defying this judicial order, bringing our simmering Constitutional Crisis to a boil.

From the Department of The Vichy Law Firms Will Be Remembered As Collaborators: James Carville compared law firms that signed a deal with President Trump to Nazi regime “collaborators” in Europe. “Maybe you need to go in history and see what happened in August of 1944, after Paris was liberated. They didn’t take very kindly to the collaborators,” Carville said in a Friday recording of Politicon. “No, it was not a very pretty sight in the streets of Paris. I’m not saying that these people should be placed in pajamas and have their heads shaved, marched down Pennsylvania Avenue, and spit on. I’m not saying that. But I’m saying that, that did happen.” (I think that would be a fantastic idea, come Restoration Day.) “These people are a disgrace to the law firms they represent, to the companies that they represent and are supposed to be in self-interest, and they’re a disgrace to the United States and etch their names in the tablet of history for being some of the greatest traitors, appeasers that we’ve seen in the history of our great country.” Carville said PINO’s actions are creating moral issues that the country will have to reckon with after he leaves office. “When this is over, there has to be, at a minimum, an intellectual reckoning with this class of appeasers that are here.” In the meantime, the true guardians of the law are becoming known: More than 500 law firms and 300 retired judges asked for leave to file two amicus briefs condemning Trump’s order stripping security clearances from and severing government ties with Perkins Coie as the law firm challenges PINO’s executive order targeting it. “Although we do not take this step lightly, our abiding commitment to preserving the integrity of the American legal system leaves us no choice but to join together to oppose the executive order that is at issue in this litigation. The judiciary should act with resolve - now - to ensure that this abuse of executive power ceases,”” wrote Donald Verrilli, a former solicitor general under former President Obama, in the law firms’ brief. The brief asks U.S. District Judge Beryl Howell, who is overseeing the Perkins Coie challenge, to decide the case in the law firm’s favor and indefinitely block PINO’s order. None of the nation’s top 10 revenue- generating firms signed the brief before a deadline on Tuesday, and that remained the case on Friday. In fact, not a single top 20 firm by revenue, as ranked by American Lawyer, signed, including Kirkland & Ellis, Latham & Watkins or Gibson Dunn, though Covington & Burling, WilmerHale and Jenner & Block did. The firms Arnold & Palmer and Freshfields LLP also signed the brief. The amicus brief signed by the judges, whose “views on political and social issues vary,” argued that zealous legal representation is an “indispensable element of the rule of law.” “Amici share an interest in ensuring both the substance and the appearance of justice in the adjudication of disputes,” their brief reads. “This requires always preserving the freedom of lawyers to advocate for their clients with candor and with zeal, thus providing judges with the complete legal and factual record needed for fair adjudication.”

From the Department of President Obama Has Finally Had Enough PINO: The two-term former President of the United States has watched the White House chaos from afar and, suffice to say, he’s not happy. In a Thursday appearance at Hamilton College in upstate New York, Obama criticized President Donald Trump’s attempts to slash the federal government, deport protestors, crack down on immigration, and silence the free press. “It’s unimaginable that the same parties that are silent now would have tolerated behavior like that from me, or a whole bunch of my predecessors,” he said. He told students that even though it’s been a while since he’s publicly spoken out, he’s been watching from afar. “Imagine if I had done any of this. Imagine I had pulled Fox News’ credentials from the White House press corps,” he said, referencing Trump’s recent decision to bar the Associated Press from the press pool for refusing to use the term “Gulf of America.” “Imagine if I had said to law firms that were representing parties that were upset with policies my administration had initiated that you will not be allowed into government buildings,” Obama said. “We will punish you economically for dissenting from the [ACA] or the Iran Deal.” Trump’s tariffs will be bad for the economy, Obama said, but he’s even more worried about the White House violating the Americans’ rights. “I’m more deeply concerned with a federal government that threatens universities if they don’t give up students who are exercising their right to free speech,” he said. “The idea that a White House can say to law firms, ‘If you represent parties that we don’t like, we’re going to pull all our business or bar you from representing people effectively,‘” Obama continued, “is contrary to the basic compact we have as Americans.”

From the Department of Fuck You In Your Face Donnie Dumbfuck: PINO knows he has fucked up, and Friday he begged Fed Chariman Jerome Powell to lower interest rates, posting on Lies Anti-Social: “This would be a PERFECT time for Fed Chairman Jerome Powell to cut Interest Rates. He is always late, but he could now change his image, and quickly. Energy prices are down, Interest Rates are down, Inflation is down, even Eggs are down 69%, and Jobs are UP, all within two months - A BIG WIN for America. CUT INTEREST RATES, JEROME, AND STOP PLAYING POLITICS!” (Pro tip: if Powell did this, it would be the definition of “playing politics”) Powell then announced he has no intention of doing anything for at least a month since US policy is so volatile and unstable that it makes it impossible to predict where the economy is going. Donnie Dumbfuck is panicking, no matter what he has his stooges tell the MAGAmorons about their patriotic duty to “suck it up and endure the pain” as the “patriots” they will never be.

Today’s good news is the 1,200 Hands off demonstrations you’re all going to. Unfortunately, I’m not. Woke up having slept wrong and my “Mommie Dearest lower back” needs to go to the chiropractor. The only appointment is in the middle of “demonstration time”. So, have fun!

My favorite boy - Cary 2013-2019 I miss you every day, buddy

Mediterranean Sweep at Udvar-Hazy

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