When I was a teenager, I was a good swimmer - even made the high school swim team. The summer I turned 15, the people who ran the Denver University pool where I hung out asked me to join their Junior Water Safety Instructor course, which would lead to me working with the adult WSI’s. I said yes.
I am so sorry, TC. You have done everything you could to carry out Jurate's wishes. On behalf of both of you, I hope she will find a way to steal away in the night so that when she is found, she is at peace and beyond all meddling. I am envisioning for Jurate's sister a rush of insight making clear that compassion and mercy are more important than her own fear of death. Holding you and Jurate in my heart.
Tom, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar situation 17 years ago when my father had a stroke, which left him in a coma and intubated. The poor man had to listen to each of us weeping over him until on the second day my youngest sister and I had the same thought: bring Mom’s perfume to his hospital bed. She died eight months prior. He came out of his coma, but when his intubation was removed it was apparent the damage was far greater than we realized. The neurologist with the Opus Dei pin on told us he could be a “productive member of the family”, which infuriated me, but the neurosurgeon told us that his own father told him he would disown him if he ever intubated him again. So I asked my dad what he wanted when I was alone with him. He squeezed my hand, which meant to let him go. Big fights within the family ensued, but my siblings all finally asked him and we let him die with dignity. Best thing I’ve ever done because it was the hardest. Or maybe the other way around.
Grace. Your situation was so much like what I went through and how it fell to me to help my mom at 86 who could neither see nor speak clearly. No advanced directive. I became the adult, as male child present, and was looked to for making the decision she was telling me with her squeezes of my hand as I asked her what she wanted to do. I think I spoke correctly on her behalf. She passed quietly.
It’s really hard, Fred. After my dad died the nurses in his ICU came in and said they were taking notes. They wanted their children to do the same with them when the time came.
In his late 80’s, my father inlaw lay in a hospital bed with a feeding tube. He gestured to my wife that he wanted the tube pulled out! The doctor’s obliged his wish! My father in law whose hands had the grip of a vise tempered by his years as a coal miner and longshoreman, feared not his decision. In a eulogy to his father, my brother in law a Unitarian Minister, stated with a sense of confidence ‘he’d died at the end of his life’! May each of us have the courage of that decision, to die at the end of our lives.
TC, Of all people you know Jurate's wishes best. How deeply frustrating this must be for you and only adding to your grief in losing her.
I hope you and her sister can keep the focus on Jurate's needs.
In that light, and intended NOT for argumentation but for the peace of Jurate's Catholic sister, I give, you the actual words of the Ethical and Religious Directives of the Catholic Church on End of Life Care. (ERDS, USCCB)
Notice in the directives below that when medical means offer no "...reasonable hope of benefit or entail an excessive burden, or impose excessive expense on the family or the community" they do not have to be used. (#56 & # 57)This includes nutrition and hydration when the means of offering them can cause the patient more distress than comfort or aid.(#58)
"ERDS
56. A person has a moral obligation to use ordinary or proportionate means of preserving his
or her life. Proportionate means are those that in the judgment of the patient offer a
reasonable hope of benefit and do not entail an excessive burden or impose excessive
expense on the family or the community.
57. A person may forgo extraordinary or disproportionate means of preserving life.
Disproportionate means are those that in the patient’s judgment do not offer a reasonable
hope of benefit or entail an excessive burden, or impose excessive expense on the family
or the community.
58. In principle, there is an obligation to provide patients with food and water, including
medically assisted nutrition and hydration for those who cannot take food orally. This
obligation extends to patients in chronic and presumably irreversible conditions (e.g., the
“persistent vegetative state”) who can reasonably be expected to live indefinitely if given
such care. Medically assisted nutrition and hydration become morally optional when
they cannot reasonably be expected to prolong life or when they would be “excessively
burdensome for the patient or [would] cause significant physical discomfort, for example
resulting from complications in the use of the means employed.” For instance, as a
patient draws close to inevitable death from an underlying progressive and fatal condition,
certain measures to provide nutrition and hydration may become excessively burdensome
and therefore not obligatory in light of their very limited ability to prolong life or provide
comfort."
Me: The directives are also very strong on the absolute need for comfort through hospice care and palliative care.....even when palliative care ( for instance morphine) may hasten a person`s death......because the intent is not to kill; the intent is to provide care and comfort for the patient in the dying process.
I am holding you all very close in this most agonizing time.
Carol, your knowledgeable offering meets this very difficult moment. I cannot imagine a more caring and informative religious way to communicate with Jurate's sister.
Thank you for this insight, Carol. As a physician chairing a Catholic hospital's ethics committee, I have been involved in consulting on similar cases. Tom, if you have not sought consultation from either this hospital's ethics committee or that of the Kaiser hospital to which Jurate may be transferred, please consider that as an option to help Jurate's sister and you face the facts and make appropriate decisions.
well, that kind of does all the necessary work, doesn't it?
thanks so much for providing these guidelines, which actually seem pretty sensible and nothing like what a lot of Catholics spend their lives saying "the Church teaches." in learning about Catholicism, It's pretty easy to come to the conclusion that there are two versions (the same thing is true in Judaism, except that in Judaism there are COUNTLESS varieties)...the one for the "intellectuals" and the one for the rest (I think of it as the Mel Gibson version). I've spoken to pre-Vatican II Catholics who tell me that they were actually taught that reading scripture is a dicey proposition because there's always the danger of "misinterpretation."
so thanks again for citing this, Carol. maybe it'll make a difference, although I suspect it won't for several very powerful reasons...
Hi David, All I can do is offer it. If it helps in anyway I will be glad. But you are right that this is a time of intense and powerful emotion. Sometimes, though, it can help to know what a teaching really is if it is beiing relied upon for guidance. Thanks for your comment. Do appreciate it.
And I have just found out that a heart specialist ran tests on her today and believes she had a stroke on Friday, which was undiagnosed. After two days like this, there's nothing they can do in terms of restorative treatment, so the likelihood is that she will now be permanently in the state she is in, no recovery. But the torture continues, though here is no hope. So far as I can tell from the material you posted, this is supposed to be the time when it is OK to stop trying, according to the church.
Tom, Please don't give up or be alone. Did you read Don Parsons' post? On a couple of very difficult occasions, when I was taking care of Mark a social worker in the field was quite helpful. A social worker at the hospital may know who can advise you if he or she cannot do so.
She has the legal power to act and I don't. Unfortunately, it is as simple as that. I tried to convince Jurate back in October to sign the papers for a conservancy by me that my lawyer sent over, but she dithered on doing it and this is what we got.
hospital social worker is definitely worth a shot. and actually, if the hospital has a Catholic chaplain, that could be even better, because the sister obviously has grown up with the dumbed-down version of what the Church's actual position is and the chaplain could set her straight.
it's easy for me (or any of us) to do armchair long-distance psychoanalysis, but it's completely inappropriate and a little disgusting, so if it sounds like I've gone in that direction at some point, please forgive me. it's just so hard to figure out why she's made up her mind to believe the worst about you. but she obviously has.
this is about as terrible as things get, and you deserve it less than just about anybody I know.
AS a pre-Vatican II person who attended Catholic schools through 12th grade, I will second what you were told about reading the Bible! The Baltimore catechism held all that we needed to know. The only exposure to sections of the Gospel came during reading by the priest during mass followed by a homily explaining what that verse meant!
Thank you for this information - which will help many of us in similar situations dealing with Catholic family members. My father after 12 yrs in final stage of parkinsons fell hit his head flat lined family airlifted him (30 miles) intubated him 3-4 wks no brain activity etc pulled the plug. Not the way to go. Now my mother with serious dementia faces a similar fate a long unnecessarily frightening end of life. Sanctity of life? Your information is helpful indeed.
Laurie, it sounds as though you are alert to what will help your family. I admire your good sense and care for others Please apply your wisdom and learning to yourself as well. I wish you good spirit during the time ahead. Salud.
I am so sorry Tom. It’s difficult enough to be losing someone you love. The pain is compounded with family disagreements about end of life care. I have experienced it in my own family and in my job. Your advice should be listened to by everyone. Please take care of yourself. I hold you in my heart.
Obviously, I cannot Like this, Tom. I have a friend in south Georgia who has been caring for her declining husband for years, dutifully meting out medicines at the proper times and amounts, taking him to doctor appointments when she herself is physically disabled, bathing him, feeding him the foods he loves, and doing as much as anyone possibly can who loves a partner in life. Yet his many children from a prior marriage accuse her of not doing enough for him and are truly nasty to her. I say this only to express my pain for what she is going through and for what you are dealing with right now, though the situation is different. Take heart in knowing that you have many people who care about you and wish we were there to hug you.
TC I am so sorry. Losing your other half in any way at all is a unique pain. And yet, as you say, we have a duty to survive. To your excellent advice on marital rights may I add have a will, medical as well as general power of attorney.
These last days can be long as I learned from my parents deaths. Holding you and Jurate both in the light and trusting you will find the strength you need.
I feel so much reading this graceful admission of how flawed we humans are. There’s so much to unpack. I feel your love for Jurate and share your disgust when it comes to the machinations that have been crafted to afflict those of us who are ready to go but won’t be allowed because of toxic fantasies.
Oh, Crap. I am so sorry TC. I am hoping for her gentle release from the pain and misguided caring. And, I agree with your advice to all of us to both "get married" and "write your decision down and file it." To which we would add, be sure to update your desires at least annually and file them with your primary care folks. Stuff changes, even your mind on this critical issue may evolve, and your loved one's most recent decision has to be the one followed.
TC, my heart goes out to you. It hurts me that you must face the insanity of Jurate's sister's actions. But I am glad that you are able to draw strength from that life lesson learned long ago. Even during this difficult time, your storytelling ability shines through! Thank you for letting us all know.
Oh wow, what a tragedy, and Jurate will have to endure what she did not want to happen. I am sure the sister feels she is doing what her religious beliefs demand, but the result is causing her sister pain and suffering in a situation that is the antithesis of "quality of life." This regrettably is not uncommon and often the family members are assuaging past guilt over a broken relationship and cannot let go. I am terribly sorry this has happened, and hope Jurate's sister realizes what she is really doing while trying to stop the inevitable. Hopefully Jurate will go in her sleep and end this grim charade.....
Even my overly catholic mother believed in letting people die with dignity. She was an intensive cardiac care nurse who lambasted doctors who went overboard on people who would never recover. I hope that Jurate's sister can reach that conclusion soon. I'm sorry that this situation has been made even more impossible for you. Peace, TC.
One more thing to let you know that your story may be preventing others' pain - my husband and I just today updated everything a survivor (each other or our kids) will need (logistics, financials, etc) in the aftermath of our deaths.
We periodically discuss end-of-life wishes with our children, their spouses and our siblings.
When medical personnel see a unified family, they can take charge to relieve suffering and allow death. I know this from first hand experience. Thinking of you.
A cautionary tale if ever there was one, and I'm truly sorry for yours and Jurate's troubles and situation. The end of the life of a loved one shouldn't be made the harder to deal with and bear by something such as this, brought on by relatives who are being, in the end, selfish - regardless of what they think they know and believe about the 'sanctity of life'.
I have 'religious' beliefs about the sanctity of life, but they do not include its preservation through artificial and external means beyond the point that those means can only perpetuate a heartbeat and nothing more, with no chance of 'more' ever becoming a reality. Where religious teachings and doctrine fail in the modern era is not in their designating life as sacrosanct, but in failing to define what *life* actually *is* in this day and age vis a vie Jurate's circumstances and mankind's learned ability to perpetuate a pulse.
The theologians can argue about this all they want. But I doubt the God I believe in is pleased by this, since in instances such as this, what I essentially see is a child and creation of God (her sister) withholding from Him that which is rightfully His... and would be such under different circumstances. Which is a clear form of theft. And we all know how God, whether you believe in Him or not, is supposed to feel about stealing.
Years ago, I read a book titled Death Be Not Proud, a memoir of a father's intimate journey with a son suffering from a terminal disease. Diagnosed at a young age, he outlived not only the time his doctor's thought he had to live when diagnosed, but he *lived* far better and accomplished more than they ever thought would be the case. When the inevitable came, and everything that could reasonably be done to preserve and extend his son's life had been done, in describing his last peaceful moments, free of life-extending artifices, the father said of his passing: "Like a thief, death came and took him."
That line has always stayed with me for some reason, and I understood then and now it must have been the expression of a pain and anguish and disappointment that I myself have not experienced, though I have lost loved ones in my life. But in the end, that father did not try to deny his son's true creator that which was His, but rather was thankful that he'd received the gift of his son in the first place, and the joy he brought into his life and the world. He was, in the end, at peace because of that.
My prayer for you, TC, is that you and Jurate will soon find the peace you're both due but are being denied, even if death has to slip on the guise of a thief to deliver it to you.
I couldn't find a way to like this so that little heart up there is left empty, but please know the real heart here is full of compassion for and understanding of what you are going through. I'm so sorry.
Oh Tom, I am so sorry to read this. The actions of your sister infuriate me, as they are all about making her feel better-- and have nothing to do with what is best for Jurate. Or what Jurate wanted. Having said that, your heart-breaking post has reminded me that I need to make sure the legal paperwork is updated regarding my own long term non-marriage.
I am so sorry, TC. You have done everything you could to carry out Jurate's wishes. On behalf of both of you, I hope she will find a way to steal away in the night so that when she is found, she is at peace and beyond all meddling. I am envisioning for Jurate's sister a rush of insight making clear that compassion and mercy are more important than her own fear of death. Holding you and Jurate in my heart.
Tom, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar situation 17 years ago when my father had a stroke, which left him in a coma and intubated. The poor man had to listen to each of us weeping over him until on the second day my youngest sister and I had the same thought: bring Mom’s perfume to his hospital bed. She died eight months prior. He came out of his coma, but when his intubation was removed it was apparent the damage was far greater than we realized. The neurologist with the Opus Dei pin on told us he could be a “productive member of the family”, which infuriated me, but the neurosurgeon told us that his own father told him he would disown him if he ever intubated him again. So I asked my dad what he wanted when I was alone with him. He squeezed my hand, which meant to let him go. Big fights within the family ensued, but my siblings all finally asked him and we let him die with dignity. Best thing I’ve ever done because it was the hardest. Or maybe the other way around.
Sorry to ramble, but I’m thinking of you.
Thank you very much Grace.
Grace. Your situation was so much like what I went through and how it fell to me to help my mom at 86 who could neither see nor speak clearly. No advanced directive. I became the adult, as male child present, and was looked to for making the decision she was telling me with her squeezes of my hand as I asked her what she wanted to do. I think I spoke correctly on her behalf. She passed quietly.
It’s really hard, Fred. After my dad died the nurses in his ICU came in and said they were taking notes. They wanted their children to do the same with them when the time came.
Good medical staff. The right time to prepare of for the next future.
In his late 80’s, my father inlaw lay in a hospital bed with a feeding tube. He gestured to my wife that he wanted the tube pulled out! The doctor’s obliged his wish! My father in law whose hands had the grip of a vise tempered by his years as a coal miner and longshoreman, feared not his decision. In a eulogy to his father, my brother in law a Unitarian Minister, stated with a sense of confidence ‘he’d died at the end of his life’! May each of us have the courage of that decision, to die at the end of our lives.
TC, Of all people you know Jurate's wishes best. How deeply frustrating this must be for you and only adding to your grief in losing her.
I hope you and her sister can keep the focus on Jurate's needs.
In that light, and intended NOT for argumentation but for the peace of Jurate's Catholic sister, I give, you the actual words of the Ethical and Religious Directives of the Catholic Church on End of Life Care. (ERDS, USCCB)
Notice in the directives below that when medical means offer no "...reasonable hope of benefit or entail an excessive burden, or impose excessive expense on the family or the community" they do not have to be used. (#56 & # 57)This includes nutrition and hydration when the means of offering them can cause the patient more distress than comfort or aid.(#58)
"ERDS
56. A person has a moral obligation to use ordinary or proportionate means of preserving his
or her life. Proportionate means are those that in the judgment of the patient offer a
reasonable hope of benefit and do not entail an excessive burden or impose excessive
expense on the family or the community.
57. A person may forgo extraordinary or disproportionate means of preserving life.
Disproportionate means are those that in the patient’s judgment do not offer a reasonable
hope of benefit or entail an excessive burden, or impose excessive expense on the family
or the community.
58. In principle, there is an obligation to provide patients with food and water, including
medically assisted nutrition and hydration for those who cannot take food orally. This
obligation extends to patients in chronic and presumably irreversible conditions (e.g., the
“persistent vegetative state”) who can reasonably be expected to live indefinitely if given
such care. Medically assisted nutrition and hydration become morally optional when
they cannot reasonably be expected to prolong life or when they would be “excessively
burdensome for the patient or [would] cause significant physical discomfort, for example
resulting from complications in the use of the means employed.” For instance, as a
patient draws close to inevitable death from an underlying progressive and fatal condition,
certain measures to provide nutrition and hydration may become excessively burdensome
and therefore not obligatory in light of their very limited ability to prolong life or provide
comfort."
Me: The directives are also very strong on the absolute need for comfort through hospice care and palliative care.....even when palliative care ( for instance morphine) may hasten a person`s death......because the intent is not to kill; the intent is to provide care and comfort for the patient in the dying process.
I am holding you all very close in this most agonizing time.
Carol, your knowledgeable offering meets this very difficult moment. I cannot imagine a more caring and informative religious way to communicate with Jurate's sister.
Thank you, Fern. I only hope it is helpful to them both but especially to Jurate's sister. It is such a painful time for all. Peace! Carol
Thank you for this insight, Carol. As a physician chairing a Catholic hospital's ethics committee, I have been involved in consulting on similar cases. Tom, if you have not sought consultation from either this hospital's ethics committee or that of the Kaiser hospital to which Jurate may be transferred, please consider that as an option to help Jurate's sister and you face the facts and make appropriate decisions.
another good idea, worth trying.
well, that kind of does all the necessary work, doesn't it?
thanks so much for providing these guidelines, which actually seem pretty sensible and nothing like what a lot of Catholics spend their lives saying "the Church teaches." in learning about Catholicism, It's pretty easy to come to the conclusion that there are two versions (the same thing is true in Judaism, except that in Judaism there are COUNTLESS varieties)...the one for the "intellectuals" and the one for the rest (I think of it as the Mel Gibson version). I've spoken to pre-Vatican II Catholics who tell me that they were actually taught that reading scripture is a dicey proposition because there's always the danger of "misinterpretation."
so thanks again for citing this, Carol. maybe it'll make a difference, although I suspect it won't for several very powerful reasons...
Hi David, All I can do is offer it. If it helps in anyway I will be glad. But you are right that this is a time of intense and powerful emotion. Sometimes, though, it can help to know what a teaching really is if it is beiing relied upon for guidance. Thanks for your comment. Do appreciate it.
And I have just found out that a heart specialist ran tests on her today and believes she had a stroke on Friday, which was undiagnosed. After two days like this, there's nothing they can do in terms of restorative treatment, so the likelihood is that she will now be permanently in the state she is in, no recovery. But the torture continues, though here is no hope. So far as I can tell from the material you posted, this is supposed to be the time when it is OK to stop trying, according to the church.
Yes. Disproportionate means are not necessary if there is no medical benefit to be had.
But palliative care--keeping her as comfortable and less anxious as possible is important now.
See important recommendation of hospital chaplain Don Parsons ( as Fern mentions.)
Tom, Please don't give up or be alone. Did you read Don Parsons' post? On a couple of very difficult occasions, when I was taking care of Mark a social worker in the field was quite helpful. A social worker at the hospital may know who can advise you if he or she cannot do so.
She has the legal power to act and I don't. Unfortunately, it is as simple as that. I tried to convince Jurate back in October to sign the papers for a conservancy by me that my lawyer sent over, but she dithered on doing it and this is what we got.
hospital social worker is definitely worth a shot. and actually, if the hospital has a Catholic chaplain, that could be even better, because the sister obviously has grown up with the dumbed-down version of what the Church's actual position is and the chaplain could set her straight.
it's easy for me (or any of us) to do armchair long-distance psychoanalysis, but it's completely inappropriate and a little disgusting, so if it sounds like I've gone in that direction at some point, please forgive me. it's just so hard to figure out why she's made up her mind to believe the worst about you. but she obviously has.
this is about as terrible as things get, and you deserve it less than just about anybody I know.
AS a pre-Vatican II person who attended Catholic schools through 12th grade, I will second what you were told about reading the Bible! The Baltimore catechism held all that we needed to know. The only exposure to sections of the Gospel came during reading by the priest during mass followed by a homily explaining what that verse meant!
Carol
Thank you for this information - which will help many of us in similar situations dealing with Catholic family members. My father after 12 yrs in final stage of parkinsons fell hit his head flat lined family airlifted him (30 miles) intubated him 3-4 wks no brain activity etc pulled the plug. Not the way to go. Now my mother with serious dementia faces a similar fate a long unnecessarily frightening end of life. Sanctity of life? Your information is helpful indeed.
Laurie, it sounds as though you are alert to what will help your family. I admire your good sense and care for others Please apply your wisdom and learning to yourself as well. I wish you good spirit during the time ahead. Salud.
Many thanks Fern. I always appreciate your words.
I like the way Joyce Vance ends her messages, Laurie.
"we're in this together". Salud.
I am so sorry Tom. It’s difficult enough to be losing someone you love. The pain is compounded with family disagreements about end of life care. I have experienced it in my own family and in my job. Your advice should be listened to by everyone. Please take care of yourself. I hold you in my heart.
Obviously, I cannot Like this, Tom. I have a friend in south Georgia who has been caring for her declining husband for years, dutifully meting out medicines at the proper times and amounts, taking him to doctor appointments when she herself is physically disabled, bathing him, feeding him the foods he loves, and doing as much as anyone possibly can who loves a partner in life. Yet his many children from a prior marriage accuse her of not doing enough for him and are truly nasty to her. I say this only to express my pain for what she is going through and for what you are dealing with right now, though the situation is different. Take heart in knowing that you have many people who care about you and wish we were there to hug you.
No good deed goes unpunished, it seems
TC I am so sorry. Losing your other half in any way at all is a unique pain. And yet, as you say, we have a duty to survive. To your excellent advice on marital rights may I add have a will, medical as well as general power of attorney.
These last days can be long as I learned from my parents deaths. Holding you and Jurate both in the light and trusting you will find the strength you need.
I feel so much reading this graceful admission of how flawed we humans are. There’s so much to unpack. I feel your love for Jurate and share your disgust when it comes to the machinations that have been crafted to afflict those of us who are ready to go but won’t be allowed because of toxic fantasies.
I would assuage your pain if I had the means.
Thanks
so would I. so would any and all of us.
Oh, Crap. I am so sorry TC. I am hoping for her gentle release from the pain and misguided caring. And, I agree with your advice to all of us to both "get married" and "write your decision down and file it." To which we would add, be sure to update your desires at least annually and file them with your primary care folks. Stuff changes, even your mind on this critical issue may evolve, and your loved one's most recent decision has to be the one followed.
TC, my heart goes out to you. It hurts me that you must face the insanity of Jurate's sister's actions. But I am glad that you are able to draw strength from that life lesson learned long ago. Even during this difficult time, your storytelling ability shines through! Thank you for letting us all know.
Oh wow, what a tragedy, and Jurate will have to endure what she did not want to happen. I am sure the sister feels she is doing what her religious beliefs demand, but the result is causing her sister pain and suffering in a situation that is the antithesis of "quality of life." This regrettably is not uncommon and often the family members are assuaging past guilt over a broken relationship and cannot let go. I am terribly sorry this has happened, and hope Jurate's sister realizes what she is really doing while trying to stop the inevitable. Hopefully Jurate will go in her sleep and end this grim charade.....
I am, in the Quaker manner, holding you both in the Light.
Thank you.
Even my overly catholic mother believed in letting people die with dignity. She was an intensive cardiac care nurse who lambasted doctors who went overboard on people who would never recover. I hope that Jurate's sister can reach that conclusion soon. I'm sorry that this situation has been made even more impossible for you. Peace, TC.
One more thing to let you know that your story may be preventing others' pain - my husband and I just today updated everything a survivor (each other or our kids) will need (logistics, financials, etc) in the aftermath of our deaths.
We periodically discuss end-of-life wishes with our children, their spouses and our siblings.
When medical personnel see a unified family, they can take charge to relieve suffering and allow death. I know this from first hand experience. Thinking of you.
A cautionary tale if ever there was one, and I'm truly sorry for yours and Jurate's troubles and situation. The end of the life of a loved one shouldn't be made the harder to deal with and bear by something such as this, brought on by relatives who are being, in the end, selfish - regardless of what they think they know and believe about the 'sanctity of life'.
I have 'religious' beliefs about the sanctity of life, but they do not include its preservation through artificial and external means beyond the point that those means can only perpetuate a heartbeat and nothing more, with no chance of 'more' ever becoming a reality. Where religious teachings and doctrine fail in the modern era is not in their designating life as sacrosanct, but in failing to define what *life* actually *is* in this day and age vis a vie Jurate's circumstances and mankind's learned ability to perpetuate a pulse.
The theologians can argue about this all they want. But I doubt the God I believe in is pleased by this, since in instances such as this, what I essentially see is a child and creation of God (her sister) withholding from Him that which is rightfully His... and would be such under different circumstances. Which is a clear form of theft. And we all know how God, whether you believe in Him or not, is supposed to feel about stealing.
Years ago, I read a book titled Death Be Not Proud, a memoir of a father's intimate journey with a son suffering from a terminal disease. Diagnosed at a young age, he outlived not only the time his doctor's thought he had to live when diagnosed, but he *lived* far better and accomplished more than they ever thought would be the case. When the inevitable came, and everything that could reasonably be done to preserve and extend his son's life had been done, in describing his last peaceful moments, free of life-extending artifices, the father said of his passing: "Like a thief, death came and took him."
That line has always stayed with me for some reason, and I understood then and now it must have been the expression of a pain and anguish and disappointment that I myself have not experienced, though I have lost loved ones in my life. But in the end, that father did not try to deny his son's true creator that which was His, but rather was thankful that he'd received the gift of his son in the first place, and the joy he brought into his life and the world. He was, in the end, at peace because of that.
My prayer for you, TC, is that you and Jurate will soon find the peace you're both due but are being denied, even if death has to slip on the guise of a thief to deliver it to you.
I couldn't find a way to like this so that little heart up there is left empty, but please know the real heart here is full of compassion for and understanding of what you are going through. I'm so sorry.
Oh Tom, I am so sorry to read this. The actions of your sister infuriate me, as they are all about making her feel better-- and have nothing to do with what is best for Jurate. Or what Jurate wanted. Having said that, your heart-breaking post has reminded me that I need to make sure the legal paperwork is updated regarding my own long term non-marriage.