Several of you asked me to write more about Jurate, so here it is. Jurate was born in a refugee camp in West Germany. Her family is Lithuanian, but her mother spoke fluent German and was able to convince an SS officer in February 1945 that they were really “Volks Deutsche,” the ethnic Germans that had lived across eastern Europe for the previous two centuries. That got her mother and father and brother, at that time a toddler, on a ship that left Vilnius headed for Hamburg at the end of the Baltic campaign, just ahead of the Red Army. The refugee convoy the ship was in was attacked by the Red Air Force, but escaped while two others were sunk.
"The life partner was chosen; and there were choices after that to affirm the choice in the face of difficulties and stick around. It makes the space that’s left behind different."
That one got me. It took me 50 years to find that kind of enduring partnership. I treasure it all the more, I guess. So glad you had what you had. Many (most?) don't.
Thank you for this portrait. What a journey. For her. For you. For the couple you will always be.
Took us two tries at marriage (a total of 18 years married plus a further 8 years of living separately but spending a lot of time together and on the phone)
So, yeah, I married the same guy twice...we got divorced twice and now we are back together in a better place having learned--finally--how to communicate calmly and clearly, along with clearly articulating needs and boundaries until we finally found our way back. (But with no more marrying)
It's hard to figure out how to have a lasting relationship when there are no models for such in either family.
Relationship role models are not discussed enough. Sadly, they can set up a repeat performance, where the same tapes are played (Louise Hay) over and over down through the generations. Unless... someone questions the dynamics and really thinks about what they have inherited. As Louise said (completely paraphrased) "...forgive them. They were just doing the best they could with what they had to work with. Start your own new tape."
Sounds like you are a "learner" who makes her own tape. Kudos.
IMO, a marriage license is just a piece of paper. Nice symbolism, if we don't use it as a license to abuse. I am on number 4. In my case, I should have paid better attention to my role models. But I finally made my own good tape.
You have just described how abuse is intergenerational. Until I met Karen and learned her story, I would have told you my childhood was just "a little tougher" than other people's. Nope. When you're a kid you don't know what you're experiencing isn't "normal." And given how many Very Important Decisions we make about ourselves and our relationship to the world before we're even in kindergarten... well, that just starts to draw the outline of the problem.
Thank you Tom for your description of Jūratė, her background, a sense of your life together and her love for the kitties, accompanied by a photo of the adorable Roscoe.
She was named well. The name Jūratė, ‘...is derived from the Lithuanian jūra meaning, “sea.” One of the most beautiful and romantic stories from Baltic legend has to be Jūratė and Kastytis. According to the legend, Jūratė was a beautiful marine goddess that lived beneath the Baltic sea in an amber palace. She was the queen of the fishes and ruled over all sea-life.’
As you chose her, she chose you and was devoted to you. Her words to you when moving to the care facility, " You need a break", say so much about Jurate's nature and her care for you.
Thank you for sharing this story of you and Juarte. What you say is absolute truth: "The life partner was chosen, and there were choices after that to affirm the choice in the face of difficulties and stick around. It makes the space that's left behind different." I have lost parents. I have lost friends. Not sure how I will do with the loss of my wife (when that occurs: we have an agreement that she gets to go first. I plan to keep my word on that).
What a bio, she was a survivor with grit, talent, and a big heart for all “mammals.”
Your posts always lead me back to the pluses and minuses in my long life. I don’t mind that, since I have had so much love amid life’s valleys. How fortunate I have been; a flawed but loving family of origin; a marriage with the best man I ever knew who always tried to make life easier with no hint that I was incapable in any way; loving friends who helped me through rough spots before they departed my life; and a family who hopefully will see me through a few more years.
Bask in the memories; they carry love that can still speak to you.
It’s good that your complex relationship with your life partner stood the test of time, Tom. We in this virtual community owe Jurate a debt of gratitude for pointing you in the right direction with your writing.
I am relatively new to your substack so I am happy to learn about your Jurate. “The life partner was chosen; and there were choices after that to affirm the choice in the face of difficulties and stick around.” I completely relate to this. It took me 46 years. I hope the space left behind will be full of good memories and more rescue kitties. Thank you so much for this post. It touches my heart.
Thank you for sharing this, Tom, and for giving us a peek into your special and wonderful relationship. A brief story - we recently went through a much needed kitchen remodel. The very first time I cooked a meal after the remodel, I lost my grip on the cast iron pan I was cleaning and took a little chip out of the new countertop. I was almost in tears when I showed my husband. His response? A wink followed by “Better you than me!” We had a good laugh and the chip has gone unrepaired, my daily reminder of what is and is not important in life. I’m glad you and Jurate got through your “chips” and so obviously learned to accommodate each others’ faults while appreciating all the good in each other. You were a lucky man, indeed!
Jurate sounds like she was an interesting, loving, but very complex person. It took a very special man to be her partner in life and support her as you did for as long as you did. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Thank you. Better half by choice ... each day. I am glad Jurate was in your life and her in yours, even though I only know you both in this community of strangers. Being convinced that love is a choice, the best choice, your have been fortunate. And, I agree with you that you. Some of us get to be better through practice and the love we surround ourselves with because we have to make a new choice and commitment at the right time in our life. I'm glad you followed through.
TC, you have been so generous to share all that you've gone through in recent times. I'm around the same vintage as you, and like you, I met my beloved in my early 50's. After roughening up around the edges, some wisdom finally shows up (if you've done the work) and you find the right one for you. As you did.
May her memory be a blessing, and may you hold it close to get you through all that lies ahead.
Great pictures - the Halloween outfit certainly shows her creativeness. You were both so fortunate to find each other - "life partners" are not that easy to come upon. As Bill says - what a journey each of you had and so many memories.
Thank you for writing this Tom. Jurate lived an incredible life and although I knew nothing about her when you posted the picture of her a while ago, I could see wisdom and beauty in her eyes that speaks to the life I now know she lived. I am so happy you chose each other, and continued to until the choice was no longer yours. I’m sure she’s with Roscoe and the rest of your loving cat family. Take care, and I know I don’t have to tell you this...but keep on writing.💙💛
Roscoe is still here - he has walked around the house a few times since she went to the hospice, calling for "Momcat." She really was his mom. When I took him up to the hospice to see her, he thought it was another visit to the vet (the only reason he leaves the house) and when he got there he hid under the covers, convinced someone was going to come stick him with something.
When I got a wheelchair so I could take hubby (THE favorite of two of the three cats) upstairs for a visit, he ignored them. They were so confused. In some ways he had already passed over…
Oh, well I’m glad you still have Roscoe, and Roscoe has you. I’m sure he bonded with Jurate. I’m glad you took him to see her, even if he thought he was going to the vet.
"The life partner was chosen; and there were choices after that to affirm the choice in the face of difficulties and stick around. It makes the space that’s left behind different."
That one got me. It took me 50 years to find that kind of enduring partnership. I treasure it all the more, I guess. So glad you had what you had. Many (most?) don't.
Thank you for this portrait. What a journey. For her. For you. For the couple you will always be.
Also took me 50 years.
Took us two tries at marriage (a total of 18 years married plus a further 8 years of living separately but spending a lot of time together and on the phone)
So, yeah, I married the same guy twice...we got divorced twice and now we are back together in a better place having learned--finally--how to communicate calmly and clearly, along with clearly articulating needs and boundaries until we finally found our way back. (But with no more marrying)
It's hard to figure out how to have a lasting relationship when there are no models for such in either family.
Relationship role models are not discussed enough. Sadly, they can set up a repeat performance, where the same tapes are played (Louise Hay) over and over down through the generations. Unless... someone questions the dynamics and really thinks about what they have inherited. As Louise said (completely paraphrased) "...forgive them. They were just doing the best they could with what they had to work with. Start your own new tape."
Sounds like you are a "learner" who makes her own tape. Kudos.
IMO, a marriage license is just a piece of paper. Nice symbolism, if we don't use it as a license to abuse. I am on number 4. In my case, I should have paid better attention to my role models. But I finally made my own good tape.
You have just described how abuse is intergenerational. Until I met Karen and learned her story, I would have told you my childhood was just "a little tougher" than other people's. Nope. When you're a kid you don't know what you're experiencing isn't "normal." And given how many Very Important Decisions we make about ourselves and our relationship to the world before we're even in kindergarten... well, that just starts to draw the outline of the problem.
That's very cool. Practice makes perfect!
Thank you Tom for your description of Jūratė, her background, a sense of your life together and her love for the kitties, accompanied by a photo of the adorable Roscoe.
She was named well. The name Jūratė, ‘...is derived from the Lithuanian jūra meaning, “sea.” One of the most beautiful and romantic stories from Baltic legend has to be Jūratė and Kastytis. According to the legend, Jūratė was a beautiful marine goddess that lived beneath the Baltic sea in an amber palace. She was the queen of the fishes and ruled over all sea-life.’
Peace and beauty be with you, Jūratė.
Yes, "Jurate" is the real name of The Little Mermaid.
Lovely, sweet, touching. Thank you, once more.
Thank you, TC.
What a beautiful, interesting, courageous woman!
As you chose her, she chose you and was devoted to you. Her words to you when moving to the care facility, " You need a break", say so much about Jurate's nature and her care for you.
Thank you for sharing her with us.
profoundly beautiful, Tom.
I know writing it was even better (in the sense of it being a healing moment for you) than it is for us, reading it. which is a LOT.
so thank you.
Thank you for sharing this story of you and Juarte. What you say is absolute truth: "The life partner was chosen, and there were choices after that to affirm the choice in the face of difficulties and stick around. It makes the space that's left behind different." I have lost parents. I have lost friends. Not sure how I will do with the loss of my wife (when that occurs: we have an agreement that she gets to go first. I plan to keep my word on that).
What a bio, she was a survivor with grit, talent, and a big heart for all “mammals.”
Your posts always lead me back to the pluses and minuses in my long life. I don’t mind that, since I have had so much love amid life’s valleys. How fortunate I have been; a flawed but loving family of origin; a marriage with the best man I ever knew who always tried to make life easier with no hint that I was incapable in any way; loving friends who helped me through rough spots before they departed my life; and a family who hopefully will see me through a few more years.
Bask in the memories; they carry love that can still speak to you.
Love your closing sentence!
It’s good that your complex relationship with your life partner stood the test of time, Tom. We in this virtual community owe Jurate a debt of gratitude for pointing you in the right direction with your writing.
Truer than you know…
I am relatively new to your substack so I am happy to learn about your Jurate. “The life partner was chosen; and there were choices after that to affirm the choice in the face of difficulties and stick around.” I completely relate to this. It took me 46 years. I hope the space left behind will be full of good memories and more rescue kitties. Thank you so much for this post. It touches my heart.
Thank you for sharing this, Tom, and for giving us a peek into your special and wonderful relationship. A brief story - we recently went through a much needed kitchen remodel. The very first time I cooked a meal after the remodel, I lost my grip on the cast iron pan I was cleaning and took a little chip out of the new countertop. I was almost in tears when I showed my husband. His response? A wink followed by “Better you than me!” We had a good laugh and the chip has gone unrepaired, my daily reminder of what is and is not important in life. I’m glad you and Jurate got through your “chips” and so obviously learned to accommodate each others’ faults while appreciating all the good in each other. You were a lucky man, indeed!
Jurate sounds like she was an interesting, loving, but very complex person. It took a very special man to be her partner in life and support her as you did for as long as you did. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
"Complex" is definitely the right word.
All the best ones are.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you. Better half by choice ... each day. I am glad Jurate was in your life and her in yours, even though I only know you both in this community of strangers. Being convinced that love is a choice, the best choice, your have been fortunate. And, I agree with you that you. Some of us get to be better through practice and the love we surround ourselves with because we have to make a new choice and commitment at the right time in our life. I'm glad you followed through.
TC, you have been so generous to share all that you've gone through in recent times. I'm around the same vintage as you, and like you, I met my beloved in my early 50's. After roughening up around the edges, some wisdom finally shows up (if you've done the work) and you find the right one for you. As you did.
May her memory be a blessing, and may you hold it close to get you through all that lies ahead.
Great pictures - the Halloween outfit certainly shows her creativeness. You were both so fortunate to find each other - "life partners" are not that easy to come upon. As Bill says - what a journey each of you had and so many memories.
Thank you for writing this Tom. Jurate lived an incredible life and although I knew nothing about her when you posted the picture of her a while ago, I could see wisdom and beauty in her eyes that speaks to the life I now know she lived. I am so happy you chose each other, and continued to until the choice was no longer yours. I’m sure she’s with Roscoe and the rest of your loving cat family. Take care, and I know I don’t have to tell you this...but keep on writing.💙💛
Roscoe is still here - he has walked around the house a few times since she went to the hospice, calling for "Momcat." She really was his mom. When I took him up to the hospice to see her, he thought it was another visit to the vet (the only reason he leaves the house) and when he got there he hid under the covers, convinced someone was going to come stick him with something.
Made that vet trip a few times,,,
When I got a wheelchair so I could take hubby (THE favorite of two of the three cats) upstairs for a visit, he ignored them. They were so confused. In some ways he had already passed over…
So touching Jeri are the things we do to connect. I bet he knew his favorite cats were there.
Oh, well I’m glad you still have Roscoe, and Roscoe has you. I’m sure he bonded with Jurate. I’m glad you took him to see her, even if he thought he was going to the vet.
Roscoe's a sweetheart. He has bonded with both of us. Fortunately for him.
What a life! Glad you found her.