BECAUSE WE ALL NEED A LAUGH OR TWO - OR TEN

Given the way the news goes (especially this morning,) Jokes are hard to come by these days, so when one of my old fighter pilots included me in on an e-mail chain and I found this collection of one-liners, all of which brought at least a big grin, I thought I’d share them this Sunday afternoon. (Yes, there are groaners, but what would we do without them?)

Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

Prayer is the original wireless communication

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.  Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Went shopping while hungry - now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 6.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say “close enough.”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker.  I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won’t say I’m worn out, but I don’t get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.  The glass is refillable.

Retired: under new management.  See spouse for details.

Be the kind of woman who when your feet  hit the floor first thing in the morning, the devil says: “Uh oh, here she comes.”

When you can’t find the sunshine… be the sunshine.

I don’t have grey hair.  I have wisdom highlights.

I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don’t trip.  I do random gravity checks.

My heart says “pie and ice cream.”  but my jeans say, “please, please, please eat a salad!”

Hold on while I overthink this.

My spouse says I have two faults: I don’t listen and … something else.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices.  You are one of them.

One minute you’re young and fun.  The next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

Day 12 without chocolate… lost hearing in my left eye.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.

Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.

My body is a temple - ancient and crumbling, perhaps cursed or haunted.

Common sense is not a gift.  It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

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