POKING AROUND THE START OF WEEK FIVE

From the Department of Stick Bezos In One Of His Rockets And Fire It Into The Sun: This past week the WaPo backed out of a “Fire Elon Musk” advertising order that was to run as a wrap on some of its Tuesday editions. Common Cause said it signed a $115,000 agreement with the Post to run the ad that would have covered the front and back page of the Tuesday paper, as well as a full-page ad with the same theme inside the paper. It said it planned to purchase the ad in collaboration with the Southern Poverty Law Center Action Fund. The ad’s design features a large picture of Musk with his head tilted back, laughing, along with a cutout image of the White House and large white text: “Who’s running this country: Donald Trump or Elon Musk?” Lower down, it features smaller font text stating: “Since day one, Elon has created chaos and confusion and put our livelihoods at risk. And he is accountable to no one but himself. The Constitution only allows for one president at a time. Call your senators and tell them it’s time Donald Trump fire Elon Musk,” it says, followed by the URL FireMusk.org. Common Cause President Virginia Kase Solomón said the Post’s advertising sales representative was informed of the nature of the ad and seemed confident that running it over the paper wouldn’t be a problem. The paper with the wrap ad was supposed to be delivered to subscribers at the Congress, Pentagon and the White House. “We submitted the artwork back on Tuesday of last week. I’m assuming it went through a legal department or other kind of review. They said, ‘You can have something inside the paper but you can’t do the wrap.’ We said ‘Thanks, no thanks,’ Common Cause learned Friday that the Post would not run the outside-the-paper ad criticizing Musk. “Is it because we’re critical of what’s happening with Elon Musk? Is it only OK to run things in the Post now that won’t anger the president or won’t have him calling Jeff Bezos asking why this was allowed?”

From the Department of Elmo’s Dumbfucks Haven’t Got The Brains To Pour Piss Out Of A Boot: Maladministration II has begun firing several hundred FAA employees, just weeks after a January fatal mid-air collision at Washington National Airport. “Probationary” workers were targeted in late night emails Friday notifying them they had been fired. In many cases, these were highly-experienced people who had been recently promoted to new positions. The impacted workers include personnel hired for FAA radar, landing and navigational aid maintenance. The National Air Traffic Controllers Association said in a brief statement Monday it was “analyzing the effect of the reported federal employee terminations on aviation safety, the national airspace system and our members.” James Fallows wrote on Monday evening that the Toronto crash “did not happen because of this, but next week’s crash will be the result of these actions.”

From the Department of Tom Hanks Is The Greatest Ever: Tom Hanks returned to the show Saturday with Doug, a “MAGA” hat-wearing man with a southern accent who first debuted on the show as Dilbert ran for his first presidential term. Appearing on the spoof show Black Jeopardy! — a contest in which questions are asked that favor Black contestants — Hanks character argues how church would fix society's problems and suggests another show, called White Jeopardy. Hanks’ character made waves nine years ago when he refused to shake the hand of the Black host — played by Kenan Thompson. He did the same Sunday. “Don’t like that, whoa, whoa, whoa,” he said, before eventually agreeing as Thompson says, "No, no, it's just a handshake."Hanks' portrayal set off a conservative firestorm, as first reported by the Daily Beast.

Benny Johnson fumed “Donald Trump just won a landslide election and has never been more popular with Americans. They have learned nothing.” FACT CHECK: Hey Benny, you fucking moron: Dilbert’s “mandate” is about as real as his “win” in 2020. Mario Nawfulposted, “Hollywood still doesn’t get it. Portraying Trump supporters as racist caricatures while he’s winning record minority support. SNL’s trying 2016 jokes in 2025.” (FACT CHECK: You scum are all racists, you motherfucking piece of shit.)

From the Department of Alina Habba No Brain: Alina Habba, Dilbert’s former failed lawyer now an “aide” (with kneepads) falsely claimed that President Biden's DOJ prosecuted Eric Adams for opposing sanctuary city policy instead of charges related to corruption. Habba took a swipe at the DOJ officials who resigned when they were ordered to drop the bribery charges against Adams. "The only political pawns that exist in the state of New York are the DAs and AGs that are literally interfering in what the president has ordered... "This man was prosecuted because he was anti-sanctuary city policies.” FACT CHECK: In fact, Adams was charged with bribery and campaign finance offenses after allegedly accepting improper benefits from foreign nationals. Go back to selling parking lots, you dumb fucking airheaded bimbo.

From the Department of The Corruption Reeks: Some of Dilbert’s biggest donors scored a major victory when the SEC took steps to end a rule detested by fossil fuel companies. The Biden administration approved the rule a year ago requiring large companies to disclose their greenhouse gas emissions and plans to reduce them. Energy Secretary Chris Wright and donors Harold Hamm and Kelcy Warren successfully pushed the SEC to back off. The move to back off the rule, which has yet to be implemented because of pending lawsuits, represents one of the most immediate victories delivered by the administration to the three men and other fossil fuel companies." while Warren's Energy Transfer pipeline company and Wright’s oil field service firm Liberty Energy filed legal challenges to the regulation before SEC acting chair Mark Uyeda ended what he described as a "deeply flawed" requirement. “The SEC’s retreat from the disclosure rule is among the first of many victories expected by oil and gas industry executives," the Post reported. "On his first day in office, Trump signed an executive order, titled 'Unleashing American Energy,' which declared a national policy to encourage energy exploration and production on federal lands and waters, including on the Outer Continental Shelf."

From the Department of Hegset Continues to Be Worse Than Thought:Pete Hegseth expressed disgust on social media Monday after receiving an IRS audit notice to him and his wife. Hegseth posted a photo of the notice that read, "Dear Peter B & Jennifer A. Hegseth: We're auditing your federal income tax return. You owe a balance of $33,558.16" and advised them to "pay the balance due now to avoid additional penalties." Hegseth wrote, "Of course the outgoing Biden IRS rushed an 'audit' of the incoming SecDef. Total sham. The party of 'norms' and 'decency' strikes again. We will never back down." Military.com reporter Konstantin Toropin questioned the wisdom of Hegseth posting the notice on social media, writing, "The Secretary of Defense appears to have posted a document that shows he owes more than $33,000 in taxes following an audit. Aside from his calls to defy the IRS, this raises a myriad of questions from the quality of the vetting that was done to his vulnerability to bribes."

From the Department of We Really Are The Bad Guys Now: The UK-based Telegraph newspaper has obtained a copy of a proposed peace plan being pitched by the Trump administration to Ukraine that has reportedly set off "panic" in Kyiv. The plan delivered to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy last week would "amount to the US economic colonization of Ukraine, in legal perpetuity" and also "implies a burden of reparations that cannot possibly be achieved." The plan would guarantee the United States would get half of the revenues generated by the extraction of resources in Ukraine going forward, as well as half of revenues generated by "all new licenses issued to third parties" in the country. Dilbert’s demands would amount to a higher share of Ukrainian GDP than reparations imposed on Germany at the Versailles Treaty, later whittled down at the London Conference in 1921, and by the Dawes Plan in 1924. At the same time, he plans to entirely let Russia off the hook for its invasion of Ukraine three years ago that has resulted in hundreds of thousands of deaths in both countries. You read that right: the United States is going to force the victim to pay. The proper technical term here is “unconscionable,” something Dilbert has no understanding of, since he never had one. A conscience.

From the Department of Dilbert Has No Popularity No Matter What He Says: A recent CBS/yougov poll shows Dilbert with favorable ratings, something he barely ever enjoyed in Maladministration I. But therein lies the catch: the only modern presidency Aladministration II polls her than is Maladministration I. Members of the American Political Science Association were asked to evaluate presidential “greatness." The result for Dilbert is, "No president has a larger gap between his rankings by the public and by the experts. He’s 20th on the public’s list (one place behind Biden) and 45th on the scholars’." Dilbert’s approval rating average at this point is still below everyone except himself, eight years ago.

From the Department of These Scumbags Need To Be Beaten With Baseball Bats: After yesterday’s crash at Toronto Airport that saw an Delta Airlines regional jet end up upside down on the runway, the maggots of MAGA were on the case, as only these braindead motherfuckers can be. Matthew Alvarez announced on Right Side Broadcasting Network: "Maybe it was a situation where the flight should have been diverted and somebody with maybe they're overworked, maybe too much, you know, maybe there is a DEI situation again. And I'm not — this is not really against people that are of any kind of look or way they are, right?"His partner in crime, Co-host Bobby McNeily noted that the airline's union had publicly asked people not to speculate on what caused the accident. "We just know that DEI has become a problem within United States airlines and, sadly, with some of the communications from Delta. They are sticking to DEI policies, and what this administration, the Trump administration's focus on doing is removing that." A locked room. Five minutes. Aluminum bats. Repeatedly.

From the ever-busy Department of Why Am I Not Surprised?: If Corporal Couchfucker hoped to earn respect among international leaders with his speech in Germany last week, it didn't work, according to one senior diplomat. The Financial Times reported Monday that, "His speech backfired spectacularly, convincing many listeners that America itself is now a threat to Europe." “That was a direct assault on European democracy," said a German politician. “It’s very clear now, Europe is alone," confessed a senior diplomat. The FT concluded: "That means that Europe must now start the painful process of 'de-risking' its relationship with the US, looking for areas of dangerous dependence on America and stripping them out of the system." As an historian friend said, “All the goodwill banked internationally since 1918, pissed down the drain in three weeks.” But perhaps all is not lost: reports have it that German officials and experts posited that anti-Americanism in Germany was high enough that the Corporal’s endorsement might hurt AfD more than help them. Early data seems to support this theory. Let’s see where the numbers end up. More of Dilbert’s Reverse Midas Touch in action.

From the Department of I’m Not Reassured At All: Underdeveloped High School Annoying Pissant Stephen Miller promised Faux Snooze that Elon Musk's Children’s Crusade, aka the Doggy Department, would not abuse Internal Revenue Service data and systems. Anchor John Roberts asked, "Can you give assurances to people who faithfully pay their taxes in this country that DOGE isn't just going to go randomly sifting through the records and maybe come across the personal private records of a lot of Americans?” The Annoying Pissant responded, "I can give absolute 100% assurance. I give you complete and total assurance on that point. We are restoring the neutrality. We are restoring ethics. We are restoring security controls at IRS, And the notion that we would trust the same bureaucracy that has overseen this endemic fraud, waste, corruption, and abuse for decades, without installing basic political controls on that system, basic accountability on that system." “Installing political controls” is what got Tricky Dick Nixon in trouble when individuals on J. Edgar Fruitfly’s COINTELPRO list (like me) got audited 50 years ago top satisfy the desire of that sick motherfucking Fount of all Evil to “get back” at us for opposing his war (65% of US casualties in Vietnam occurred between 1969-72).

From the Department of I Hate Religious Hypocrisy Most of All: the world’s most irreligious man, who didn’t touch the bible while saying the Oath of Office for fear he would light on fire, has appointed people to positions in the White House who have ties to the New Apostolic Reformation church, a Christian nationalist movement that calls for the levers of government and society to come under Christian control. The movement wants to reestablish Biblical law, with some of its adherents calling for the repeal of women's right to vote. Trump announced the creation of a Presidential Commission on Religious Liberty, announcing the evangelical Rev. Paula White, Dilbert's longtime spiritual adviser, will head the new White House Faith Office. In 2019, White told her viewers that they had to support her ministry, even if they're struggling, or God would kill their dreams. The same week, White told viewers that some states have 'already passed' laws declaring the Christian Bible as 'hate speech,' which is why America needs Dilbert's judicial nominees. FACT CHECK: There are no such state laws.I n 2020, White claimed that opposition to Dilbert's campaign was "demonic." And after he lost the election to Democrat Joe Biden, she held prayer services to keep Dilbert in the White House and insisted that "demonic confederacies" were trying to steal the election.

From the Department of Dilbert’s Corruption Knows No Limits: The NYT reported that Dilbert held a strategy session in the Oval Office on how to expedite the merger between the PGA Tour and LIV Golf, a merger in which his own family stands to gain substantial wealth. According to Eric Lipton and Maggie Haberman the meeting included Jay Monahan, a PGA Tour executive, and Yasir Al-Rumayyan, chairman of LIV Golf. In facilitating this meeting, Dilbert "was pushing a merger that relates to his own family’s financial interest," according to the report. "The family is a LIV Golf business partner. They have repeatedly hosted LIV tournaments at their golf venues, including one planned in April at Doral in Miami for the fourth year in a row." “None of this is very surprising unfortunately,” former federal prosecutor and Justice Department fraud adviser Hui Chen told the Times. “The entire force and power of the United States government is now part of the business support structure for the Trump family.” The merger itself, and the family's partnership with LIV at its golf clubs, was highly controversial even before Dilbert was elected, because of the connection to Saudi Arabia and the fact that he went out of his way not to mete out consequences to MBS after he is widely believed to have ordered the murder of Washington Post journalist and Saudi regime dissident Jamal Khashoggi during Maladministration I.

From the Department of War Criminals of a Feather Flock Together: Nitwityahoo said Monday he was "committed" to a U.S. proposal to take over Gaza and displace its Palestinian residents, as Widdle Marco was in Saudi Arabia to push the plan opposed by all Arab states. A Saudi source told AFP Riyadh would host a regional summit later this week "to discuss Arab alternatives" to Dilbert’s widely criticized plan for the Gaza Strip. The US, Israel's top ally and weapons supplier, says it is open to alternative proposals from Arab governments, but Rubio has said for now, "the only plan is the Trump plan".The US has been pushing for a historic deal in which Saudi Arabia would recognize Israel, for which Riyadh has demanded the establishment of a Palestinian state, long opposed by Israeli leaders and potentially in contradiction with Dilbert's Gaza plan. Earlier Nitwityahoo said he spoke with Rubio about "Trump's bold vision for Gaza's future" -- which experts have warned would violate international law and about ways to "ensure that vision becomes a reality".

From the Department of Eric Adams Is A Bigger Piece Of Shit Than You think: New York City Mayor Eric Adams wants the public to know he's not going anywhere despite the mounting calls for him to resign — and he said it in such a way that triggered a fresh wave of outrage. The New York Daily News reported that Adams, while speaking at a re-election campaign event at Rehoboth Cathedral in Brooklyn, told his supporters, “I was listening to some of Dr. King’s teachings, and he talked about the book ‘Mein Kampf.’ He said if you repeat a lie long enough, loud enough people will believe it is true, and that’s what you’re seeing right now. This is a modern-day ‘Mein Kampf.'” Adams' comments prompted instant outrage from multiple Jewish officials. “As the highest-ranking Jewish elected official in New York City government, I condemn the mayor’s language in the strongest terms,” said city Comptroller Brad Lander. Former comptroller Scott Stringer agreed, saying, “The mayor of the city with the largest Jewish population should not be comparing the situation that his own unethical conduct put him in to anything to do with Hitler or the Holocaust.” New York Gov. Kathy Hochul said Monday she is weighing removing New York City Mayor Eric Adams from office after four of his top deputies announced their resignations. Hochul, a Democrat, said she will convene a meeting of key leaders Tuesday in Manhattan “for a conversation about the path forward.” She said the departures of First Deputy Mayor Maria Torres-Springer and other top officials raise “serious questions about the long-term future” of Adams’ administration. “I recognize the immense responsibility I hold as governor and the constitutional powers granted to this office,” Hochul said in a statement. “In the 235 years of New York State history, these powers have never been utilized to remove a duly-elected mayor; overturning the will of the voters is a serious step that should not be taken lightly. That said, the alleged conduct at City Hall that has been reported over the past two weeks is troubling and cannot be ignored.”

Good news:

From the Department of Don’t Cross AOC If Any Of You Trumpscum Actually Have A Brain: Yesterday, braindead Herr Reichsfuhrer Tom Homan confirmed twice to Faux Snooze interviewers - including World’s Dumbest Mick Sean Hannity - that he has indeed asked the Justice Department to investigate AOC for the “crime” of educating her constituents of their rights regarding the Constitution’s Fourth Amendment prohibition on unreasonable searches and seizures in the face of the Dilbert Pogrom Herr Obersturmbannfuhrer Homan is leading the Gestapo on. Homan has asked the DOJ whether he can “take action” against people like Ocasio-Cortez, he told Hannity. “We’re looking for that clear direction so we can start taking action on people who want to help educate these people to evade ICE.” Today AOC had something to say to this dimbulb Trumpscum, writing on Bluesky in response to his latest attacks:“Go ahead. Let the people see you for what you are.” The courts have held that all law enforcement—including ICE officers—can only enter private property and employee-only business areas with permission or with a valid search warrant signed by a judge. They must also have probable cause to arrest, according to the ACLU. ICE’s own website says everyone is entitled to due process, and that it focuses on removing criminals and public safety threats. “Maybe he can learn to read,” Ocasio-Cortez said on Friday. “The Constitution would be a good place to start.” She finished with, “That’s why you fight these cowards. The moment you stand up to them, they crumble. Homan has nothing… He can threaten me with jail and call names all he wants. He’s got nothing else.”

From the Department of Mexico Has Had It Up To Here With Dilbert’s Bullshit: President Claudia Sheinbaum said Monday that Mexico will take Google to court if maps shown to US-based users continue to label the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America across the entire body of water,, arguing that US President Donald Trump’s order to rename it only applies to the part of the continental shelf under US control. Sheinbaum said the renaming is “incorrect,” adding that Trump’s decree “only changed the name within his own continental shelf, which extends 22 nautical miles from the US coast—not the entire Gulf.”

This is only the first day after the holiday, when there was nothing but news news news of Dilbert’s War on America. If you like what you’re getting here, I’d sure appreciate it if you’d step up and become a paid subscriber. Only $7/month or $70/year.

Comments are for paid subscribers.