POKING AROUND ONE WEEK AHEAD

Time to get back to politics. There are 659 days until the midterm elections

From the Department of Does Anyone Give A Shit?: Semafor reports that Chuck Todd - the man for whom the Chucktodd, an internationally-recognized unit of political moron stupidity, is named - is planning to leave NBC when his contract is up this year. He has reportedly told editors from other networks and digital media organizations about his plans, and has been discussing new roles in both broadcast and other mediums.

From the Department of Stopped Clocks Are Right Twice A Day: Steve Bannon’s war with Elmo continues. In an interview this past weekend with with Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera, Bannon said: “I will have Elon Musk run out of here by Inauguration Day. He is a truly evil guy, a very bad guy. I made it my personal thing to take this guy down. Before, because he put money in, I was prepared to tolerate it. I’m not prepared to tolerate it anymore.” He went on to say: “Peter Thiel, David Sacks, Elon Musk, are all white South Africans. He should go back to South Africa. Why do we have South Africans, the most racist people on earth, white South Africans, why do have them making any comments at all on what goes on in the US? He went out of his way to mock our movement as racist and retards. He’s got the maturity of a little boy.”

From the Department of What The Fuck Did They Really Expect”: Corporal Couchfuck went on Faux Snooze on Sunday and announced the Trump Administration policy regarding pardons for the J6 Seditionists: “If you protested peacefully - you should be pardoned. If you committed violence that day, obviously you should not be pardoned.” Surprise, surprise, many of the seditionists, their families, and supporters are furious. J6 inmate Jake Lang, currently about to go to trial for assaulting a cop with a baseball bat: “Name one J6er who got a fair trial in J6! If you’re going to start nitpicking between which J6ers can stay and which can go home on Day 1 in 8 days, then we need answers on which of us have been treated fairly. All of us have been railroaded!” J6er inmate Luke Lints: “People like JD Vance - he wasn’t there. He doesn’t know what happened. President Trump, you wanted us to believe that they stole the election, which is against the law. Now you’re not willing to stand with us after we went through 4 years of hell!” That sound you hear at the upper end of your hearing range is me playing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” on the world’s smallest violin.

From the Department of How Fucking Stupid Is This Bimbo Moron?: Margerie Traitor Goon - she who claimed in 2018 that Jewish Space Lasers were used to intentionally set the California wildfires in 2018- has some new thoughts on how to solve the LA fires, posting on Xitter (that’s pronounced “shitter”): “Why don’t they use geo engineering like cloud seeding to bring down rain on the wildfires in CA?” Do people tell her “breathe in/breathe out”???

From the Department of Please Give Me Five Minutes Alone With This Guy: The Right Rev. Speaker MAGA Mike quietly sent a letter to the EPA last week asking for grant money for his district under Biden’s Inflation Reduction Act. He wants the money for the city of Minden and Louisiana Tech University. His letter said their project “is designed to focus on water quality and sustainability … specifically targeting underserved communities in north Louisiana.”MAGA Mike voted against the Inflation Reduction Act, calling it “clueless”, “legislative malpractice”, “disaster” that will “crush the American people.”

From the Department of Fuck These People In Their Faces: Senator John Barrasso on CBS News’s Face the Nation stressed the need for extensive public hearings to dissect the “gross mismanagement” of Democratic leaders in the city and state if there will be an immediate disaster relief package for California unless their laws and policies are changed first before any aid is provided: Barasso said, “There can’t be a blank check on this. I expect there will be strings attached to money that is ultimately approved, and it has to do with being ready the next time because this was a gross failure this time. The policies of the liberal administration out there, I believe, have made these fires worse.” In a separate interview on Fox News’s Sunday Morning Futures With Maria Bartiromo, Hagerty said: “Whether it’s Gavin Newsom prioritizing a fish over his citizens or a leader like Karen Bass, the mayor, who prioritizes DEI initiatives over the readiness of first responders, it’s absolutely pathetic what has happened there. Before we put funds into place, we’ve got to find out exactly how we’re going to hold these leaders accountable and what sort of policy changes are required. When Vivek Ramaswamy and Elon Musk take a hard look at how we effectively deploy resources here, we’re going to have to see some very real changes.” ABC asked Senator Adam Schiff for a comment on that: “I’ve been in Congress a long time approving aid after disasters. I never once even considered ‘is this hurricane hitting a red or blue state?’ We need the incoming president to view it that way.” Fat fucking chance, Senator.

From the Department of Send Him The Fuck Back To South Africa Even If It Means I’m Agreeing With Steve Bannon: Over 60 German Universities announced in a joint statement that they will no longer use Musk’s X platform for any purpose: “This decision sends a clear signal in favor of fact-based communication and against anti-democratic forces.”

From the Department of Lower Your Damn Expectations: CNN reported that Trump Border Czar Tom Homan met with Republican members of Congress over the weekend and told them to temper their expectations with migrant deportations. One House Republican told CNN: “Homan has been telling some of the members that ‘Hey, if you want me to do all these things that you’re talking about, this costs money, and it’s not being done with the CR that’s in place now.” Homan told them that instead of 20 million deportations this year like Trump promised, it will be more like 1-2 million. Which is about the same as the Biden Admin deported annually. Republicans are Charlie Brown and Trump is Lucy with the football.

From the Department of Why Are You Surprised?: Felon34 confirmed this past weekend that his former golf caddie and current Deputy Chief of Staff Dan Scavino started his Twitter account and posted everything for him for years. Trump claimed he would dictate posts for Scavino and Scavino was the only one with the password. This first came out in Trump’s trial when his lawyers tried to blame his gag order violations on Scavino, but this is the first time Felon34 has said someone else makes all his posts. “I call him the most powerful man in politics because nobody else has my password.”

From the Department of Go Back to Johannesburg You Ketamine-Addled Putz: Elmo got his lunch money taken and he was stuffed in his locker by an LA Firefighter on Xitter (that’s pronouncded “shitter”) yesterday after he repeatedly tried to get the guy to back up his political attacks and blame a water shortage, but the firefighter reiterated that the amount of water they needed was unrealistic for the system.

From the Department of Here’s Another Reason To Cancel Your Subscription: As Bezos cozies up to Felon34, The Washington Post’s editorial board endorses Pam Bondi for Attorney General, despite the paper previously reporting on her negatively. The editorial called her “qualified” and “serious.” Bondi previously lobbied for Amazon (surprise surprise!). “The president-elect won the election. He deserves deference in building his team, and the Americans who elected him deserve an operational government, absent disqualifying deficiencies in competence, temperament or philosophy.” In December, the newspaper noted that Bondi pushed baseless claims of widespread voter fraud during the 2020 election. In November, it ran a column from Philip Bump discussing how Bondi has used her authority to aid Trump in the past, and how Trump is likely counting on her to “exact retribution within the department for investigating Trump and his 2016 campaign.” At least they turned down Drunk Dumbass and Brainworm Boy.

And opinion columnist Jennifer Rubin is becoming the latest in a long list of those leaving the Washington Post.

From the Department of Fuck You Bezos: Blue Origin, the rocket company founded by Jeff Bezos in 2000, waved off an attempt to launch its first orbital rocket. Engineers were not able to promptly resolve issues plaguing the rocket today, prompting flight controllers to stand down from the launch attempt.

From the Department of No More Donations For You Fetterfuck: Vichy Democrat John Fettermanchin went down to Motel-A-Lardass this weekend to visit ConvictedFelon34, who likes him. “He’s a commonsense person. He’s not liberal or conservative. He’s just a commonsense person, which is beautiful,” ConvictedFelon34 said in an interview with the Washington Examiner. Fettermanchin is a co-sponsor of the Laken Riley Act, an immigration bill aimed at curbing crime by migrants by turning over those ARRESTED BUT NOT CONVICTED to ICE for deportation.

I’ll end with this from the Department of Thank You Good People: As private boarding places were charging top dollar to house displaced pets, the Equestrian Center of Los Angeles over in Burbank decided to house four-legged evacuees for free, with General Manager Leigh Ann Claywell telling CNN, “Their owners lost everything, we can’t make a profit off of that.” It is no small act of kindness, with “408 horses brought to the center, there are a couple of cows, a few pigs, some sheep and two donkeys, in addition to the 437 horses already stabled at the facility.”

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