POKING AROUND ON WEEKEND THREE

From the Department of Watch Out Because Dilbert’s Going to Blow A Gasket: At his press conference today, Dilbert was asked if he had any reaction to the new Time cover with Elmo behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. Dilbert looked visibly agitated beforesaying “No. Is Time magazine still in business? I didn't even know that.” Dilbert praised Time in December, saying it was “a great honor” to be on their cover as Man of the Year. Dilbert continued to get questions about Elmo, and continued to get more annoyed: “Is there anything you've told Elon Musk he cannot touch?” Dilbert: “Well, we haven't discussed that much.” The next reporter: “Will you put Elon Musk up on the podium for us to ask him some questions?” Dilbert, now visibly fuming that he’s not the center of attention and the questions are not about him: “Sure. He's not shy. Elon is not shy.” He will be the minute Dilbert hears Everybody’s Favorite Unreconstructed Afrikaner Dumbfuck has his Teenage Mutant Ninja Computer Geeks fucking around with Social Security. Dilbert may be a moron, but he’s not always the fool.

From the Department of Dilbert Always Lets You Know What He Is: Last night Dilbert signed an executive order cutting off all foreign aid to South Africa, since the government there is treating Elmo’s favorite Afrikaner shitheads like the colonialist shitheads they always were. He then said the United States would prioritize resettlement of White Afrikaners in the US since they were treated so badly with land reform that’s intended to end the result of 400 years of colonialism in South Africa. Yes, you knew what kind of furriners Dilbert would promote as new immigrants.

From the ever-busy Department of You Knew They Would Do This: Elmo fanboi and Professional Teenage Mutant Ninja Basement Dweller Marko Elez, who was fired by the White House from Elmo’s Dodgy Department for his racist and eugenicist posts last summer, will likely be back. Elmo mounted a campaign to be sure we don’t harm some “fine young man” who made a youthful mistake (six months ago at age 25). That chorus was taken up by Corporal Couchfuck who certainly doesn’t want to see any “fine young men” saddled with a bad record for being Teenage Mutant Ninja Shitheads. When Dilbert was asked at his presser what he thought about what Corporal Couchfuck said, he replied, “Well, if the VP’s for him, I think he’ll be back.” And so he was. This is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Racist who now has the codes (but they’re “read only” if you’re among the easily fooled) for your Social Security and Medicare payments.

From the Department of This Shit’s Getting Old But He’s Right: Responding to Dilbert’s announcement of his Gaza Estates plan and his threat to “obliterate” Iran if they try to assassinate him, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei responded: "The Americans sit, redrawing the map of the world — but only on paper, as it has no basis in reality. They make statements about us, express opinions and issue threats. If they threaten us, we will threaten them in return. If they act on their threats, we will act on ours. If they violate the security of our nation, we will, without a doubt, respond in kind."

From the Department of Dilbert’s Patriots Are Only The Best People: The Harris County (Texas) DA just arrested recently-pardoned J6 Insurrectionist Andrew Taake for an outstanding warrant for online solicitation of sex with a minor. When Dilbert pardoned him, he was released from prison despite the active warrant. “Before Taake’s release from custody, a member of our Fugitive Warrants Div requested fed authorities hold him, due to his pending warrant in Harris County. The Bureau of Prisons informed us they needed a certified warrant to prevent Taake’s release. A clerk faxed a copy of that warrant on 1/15/25, but Taake was released 5 days later, in accordance with President Trump’s Pardon order.” Proving how smart these fucks are, he returned to Houston, where he was just tracked down and arrested. All the best, most intelligent, people

From the Department of The Bimbo of Belsen Continues to Serve Her Master: On her second day as AG, Pam Bondi eliminated DOJ’s Kleptocracy Initiative, which seized Russian oligarchs' yachts, planes and real estate pursuant to sanctions. The unit recovered billions in stolen assets since 2010. But here's the real story (you knew it was coming): a key objective is gaining control of a multi-billion dollar forfeiture fund - money seized from corrupt officials meant to be returned to victim countries. Where's the money going? The memo cryptically mentions “other law enforcement purposes.” Multiple sources say it will fund the new concentration camps in Guantanamo Bay and Texas. Former DOJ national security prosecutor Aaron Zelinsky told Bloomberg: “Taken together, these changes are an invitation to foreign actors to interfere in American affairs. Even worse, it’s an invitation to Americans to help them do it.” And you know which ‘Murrkinz he means.

From the Department of Too Late They Start To Get Smart: The reliable University of Michigan Consumer Sentiment Survey shows consumers’ inflation expectations is spiking because of Dilbert’s tariff threats: "About one-third of consumers spontaneously mentioned tariffs, up from 27% last month and less than 2% prior to the election. This is only the fifth time in 14 years we have seen such a large one-month rise in year ahead inflation expectations." Don’t worry folks, your eggs are gone forever, thanks to the bird flu RFK Jr won’t deal with.

From the Department of This is What Happens to Reporters in a Fascist State: National Public Radio reports that the FCC is investigating local San Francisco station KCBS for its coverage of recent ICE raids. Obersturmbannfuhrer Tom Homan accused them of intentionally “tipping off” migrants on when their einsatzgruppen are in an area for an operation. Dilbert’s pet FCC Chair Brendan Carr told Fox he opened the investigation after KCBS shared the live locations and vehicle descriptions of the sturmtruppen: “We have sent a letter of inquiry, a formal investigation into that matter, and they have just a matter of days left to respond to that inquiry and explain how this could possibly be consistent with their public interest obligations.” David Loy, Legal Director for the First Amendment Coalition, told NPR: “Law enforcement operations, immigration or otherwise, are matters of public interest. People generally have the right to report this on social media and in print and so on. So it’s very troubling because it’s possible the FCC is potentially being weaponized to crack down on reporting that the administration simply just doesn’t like.” Loy said this is being done to deter other news organizations from reporting anything critical about Maladministration II: “It’s an intimidation exercise. The process is the punishment. Even if charges are never filed, people have to look over their shoulder to wonder, is the government going to come after me because I report something that the government doesn’t like me to say?” Right out of the Authoritarian playbook.

From the ever-busy Department of Surprise! Surprise!: Dilbert announced Paula White-Cain will lead his new White House Faith Office, White-Cain is a member of the New Apostolic Reformation movement, which seeks to overthrow the U.S. government and replace it with a Christian theocracy led by so-called "apostolic pastors." White-Cain has repeatedly said Dilbert was chosen by God. In a speech on January 6, 2021 in DC, she said, "Let every demonic network that is aligned itself against the purpose, against the calling of President Trump, let it be broken, let it be torn down in the name of Jesus." New Apostolic Reformation leaders view Dilbert as an agent of chaos sent from God to disrupt American government long enough for the apostolic pastors to take over American society and create a Christian nationalist theocracy. Jon Root, a Christian activist who worked for Charlie Kirk’s TPUSA: “I’m hearing from a credible source that Trump is well aware that Paula White has been trending all day on X and that the response to him appointing her the head of the Faith Office is receiving a TON of negative backlash. Pray that Trump receives wise, Biblical counsel and does the right thing by firing and disassociating from her. False teachers should be nowhere near the WH and should never be in a highly-regarded position of advising him on matters of the Christian faith.” Wow, I actually agree with one of the hayseeds for once.

Another from the ever-busy Department of Surprise! Surprise!: After alleged SecDef Pete Hegseth crawled out of the bottle last week and announced that NBC, NPR, Politico and The New York Times would be rotated out of the Pentagon press corps in favor of OANN, Breitbart, HuffPost and The New York Post, the Pentagon press office doubled down and announced four additional changes: The Washington Post, CNN, The Hill, and The War Zone will be swapped out for the Washington Examiner, Newsmax, The Free Press and the Daily Caller, respectively. Military intelligence is to actual intelligence as military music is to actual music.

From the Department of They Can’t Even Run A Pogrom Right: According to the new York Post, after 100 ICE agents spent five hours looking for criminal migrants in Chicago last week, only two people were arrested. In Denver and Aurora, Colorado, which Dilbert decried as the epicenter of migrant violence tied to Venezuela’s Tren de Aragua gang, 400 ICE agents went knocking on hundreds of doors there on Wednesday, only one Tren de Aragua member was taken into custody, a far cry from the 100-plus gang members ICE hoped to nab. Reichfuhrer Tom Homan suggested the raid flopped because the gang had been tipped off by local media coverage. Dilbert’s sturmtruppen has flooded the zone with much-hyped arrest figures posted to X and turned ICE raids into a spectacle complete with celebrity embeds like Dr. Phil and “ICE Barbie” Nancy Mace. On Thursday, The Guardian revealed ICE inflated its presence on Google by updating its press release archives, causing years-old (in some cases, decades-old) releases about arrests to appear on Google as if they took place in recent days. On Thursday, DHS finally revealed Dilbert’s removals: 5,700 migrants have been repatriated since January 20. At that rate, Dilbert’s on track to deport half the number of migrants Biden did in 2024, which was 271,484. Immigration attorney Elizabeth Ricci, who has represented migrants in every administration since George H. W. Bush, said of the Dilbert Pogrom “Much of this is optics and not reality. ” That pretty much explains all of Maladministration II.

From the Department of Wake The Fuck Up, Democrats!: Active registered Republicans now outnumber Democrats in Nevada for the first time in 20 years, according to January data from the state. The GOP has also gained ground in New Jersey, and the voter registration majority in Florida’s Hillsborough county switched from blue to red. These shifts, following eroding Democratic registration in states like Pennsylvania and Arizona last year, underscore the work that lies ahead for Democrats as 2026 approaches.“People switch the way they vote, then they switch their registrations. And you think about Nevada and New Jersey, those are two states that saw pretty significant shifts towards the Republicans in November,” said Marc Meredith, a political science professor at the University of Pennsylvania.

Here’s the week’s good news:

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