POKING AROUND AT THE BEGINNING OF WEEK FIVE

From the Department of Trump Is Still Committing Treason: In an interview on State of the Union on Sunday, Jake Tapper grilled Steve Witkoff, Dilbert’s Middle East envoy and Friend of Vlad - who began his career as a real estate lawyer, and became a billionaire real estate investor and developer and was profiled by the WSJ in November 2024, that: "Peers in the real-estate world invariably describe Witkoff as smart, personable and a talented negotiator with a common touch." But he has no diplomatic experience and claims he developed a “friendship” with Putin last week after one meeting in Moscow. Questioned on the different demands Dilbert had made on Ukraine’s president versus those made on Russia. Tapper: “President Trump has been putting a lot of pressure on Ukrainian President Zelensky, as you just noted, and laying out the concessions Ukraine will have to make to end the war. What concessions will Russia have?” Witkoff: “I think in any peace deal, each side is going to make concessions, whether it’s territorial concessions, whether it’s economic concessions. I think there’s a whole array of things that happen in a deal, and you’ll see concessions from both sides.” Speaking of Dilbert, Witkoff said “He brings people together. He gets them to understand that the pathway to peace is concessions and consensus building. And I think you’re going to see a very successful result here.” Earlier, Witkoff claimed the U.S. had reached a deal with Ukraine over its raw earth minerals that would be signed in the next few days. “I expect to see a deal signed this week. You saw President Zelensky waver in his commitment towards that a week ago. President Trump sent a message to him and he’s not wavering anymore.” There was an awkward moment when Tapper showed Witkoff a clip from Russian state TV with a commentator claiming Trump’s position aligned with Putin’s. “I think you’ve got to have these relationships. You’ve got to have communication. That’s the only way you get deals done.” Witkoff went on to say, "The war didn't need to happen. It was provoked. It doesn't necessarily mean it was provoked by the Russians. There were all kinds of conversations back then about Ukraine joining NATO. That didn't need to happen. It basically became a threat to the Russians." Can we just take the fucking real estate morons out and hang them as the worthless meatsacks they are? Every damn one of them?

From the Department of Coming Out As A Trumper Is Always Good For Business: Many AirBnb hosts have ditched the platform since billionaire co-founder Joe Gebbia went full MAGA after being revealed to have joined Elmo’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Basement Dwellers Crusade last week. The San Francisco Standard reported the news has short-term rental hosts fleeing in droves. More than half the posts on Airbnb’s message boards since Thursday are from hosts and travelers threatening - or outright announcing - they are cutting ties with the platform over Gebbia joining Elmo. Many hosts expressed shock that Gebbia, a former Hillary Clinton donor who supported housing Afghan refugees in Airbnbs for free, would want to beassociated with the Dilbert Pogrom. The growing boycott does not appear to be limited to the US; Cheri DiNovo, a former Canadian politician in Ontario, Canada, made a viral post this week urging people to use Airbnb’s competitors. The post was liked 15,000 times on Xitter (that’s pronounced “shitter”).

Gebbia is a major supporter of The Wrong RFK Got Shot and shifted his politics the same time RFK Jr did. Given that AirBnB has been nothing but a destructive force in American communities as it removes available housing from the market, if Gebbi got caught in an exploding Tesla, it would be justice. Like most of TechWorld, its effect is an antisocial negative.

From the Department of Republicans Are So Full Of Shit: This past week, North Carolina Senator Thom Tillis made a public speech on the Senate floor supporting Ukraine and attacking support for Putin - though he never mentioned the name of the politician who decided to stab Ukraine in the back. He has gone on to say in interviews this past weekend that Dilbert’s Putin- friendly position is the result of “growing pains” in the early stages of a new presidency, when “a lot of weird things happen.” He said that if the rhetoric and actions toward Russia are the same come April, he’ll be concerned. Yeah, and flying monkeys will come out of my ass on the day this spineless turd who is scared to death of Dilbert because he wants oh so much to get re-lected in 2026 actually says something useful ande follows it up with meaningful action. The shallow end of the White South’s DNA pool strikes again.

From the Department of It’s Put Up Or Shut Up Time For The House GOP: MAGA Mike’s “One Beautiful Bill” that savages Medicaid to give Dilbert and the rest of the Those Who should Be Dangling By Their Heels From Gas Station Signs is supposed to come up for its vote on Tuesday. The framework, which lacks policy details, could become a political liability for the GOP with Democrats already preparing attacks on swing district Republicans for voting to extend tax breaks which disproportionately help the wealthy while slashing government services. Those members are very aware of these dynamics; MAGA Mike has been working overtime to calm them, telling them they’ll have a hand in helping to shape the policy with an end result they can justify to constituents. These are the people who have gotten shouted at this past week at town halls, and MAGA Mike can only afford to lose one vote - with seven members telling him they cannot vote for what he’s proposing.

From the Department of I Hope James Is Right: James Carville predicted that Dilbert’s White House team will “collapse” in less than a month. “Democrats need to play possum,” Carville told Mediaite’s Dan Abrams this week. “This whole thing is collapsing.” “We’re in the midst of a collapse. This is the lowest approval—not even close—that any president has ever had at a comparable time,” Carville said. “It’s going to be easy pickings here in six weeks. Just lay back.”

On Saturday at the Carnival of Feral Dwellers In Mommie’s Basement, er, CPAC, dilbert attacked Carville for telling Animated Fireplug Sean Hannity: “I’m reading these polls saying the Democrats are 13 points up in the congressional generic, that Donald Trump has the lowest approval rating of any president at this point in his presidency in American history. So, your viewers are getting one view. And I’m reading another view. One of us is right and one of us is wrong. It’s that simple. Have they got fact checkers at Fox?” Dilbert responded on Lies Antisocial: “The Democrats, run by broken down losers like James Carville, whose weak of mind and body, are going crazy, and just don’t know what to do. They have lost their confidence and spirit - They have lost their minds!” Carville says the GOP Doomsday will come over keeping the government open, when they will be forced to negotiate with Democrats to keep the government open. “I think the house Democrats—and this is going to shock a lot of people—I think they know exactly what they’re doing and they know exactly what’s going to happen.” Please be right, Ragin’ Cajun.

From the Department of Looks Like Puck Was Right: Matt Belloni at Puck talked about pending changes at MSNBC last week, and it looks from the news like he was well-connected: Joy Reid’s MSNBC show The ReidOut is being canceled as part of a sweeping overhaul of the network’s primetime line-up, with the last show being broadcast later this week. Slated to replace The ReidOut is a new show co-anchored by Symone Sanders-Townsend, Michael Steele, and Alicia Menendez, who currently helm MSNBC’s The Weekend (which I like a lot for the solid analysis from Mr. Steele). Their program will air during the 7 p.m. hour from Tuesday to Friday, and for two hours beginning at 7 p.m. on Mondays. Saturday night, The ReidOut won an NAACP Image award. News of the cancelation was met with dismay by some leading Democrats. Alex Wagner will also not return, but will keep her assignment of doing interviews across the country (something I think she’s much better at than a nightly show, because she connects with “normal people” so well.) Rachel Maddow will continue five nights a week for the first 100 days of DilbertWorld. (I will give 3:1 odds they have her stay on at that past the 100 days) If I had a word about this - which they’re smart enough not to give me - I would bring back AMJoy, which was a real good Saturday morning hour. Let her replace The Weekend. Word is Jen Psaki (who I am not completely sold on) would come on four nights a week in Rachel’s slot after the 100 days. There’s a rumor of Eugene Daniels and NYU law professor Melissa Murray doing something. I like Murray, she’s so smart she leaves smoke in her wake. This is all part of MSNBC and other less-profitable networks being placed in the recently-created “SpinCo” and spun off from NBC, though still with Comcast. (Fortunately I am never up early enough to have to consider watching Morning Joe, so I will thankfully stay well away from that BrewHaHa.)

From the Department of Deliver Me From DumbfuckingOkies: Senator Markwayne Mullet, er, I mean Mullin, who is as happily stupid and determinedly ignorant as his DumbFuckingOkie name implies he is - perhaps he got thrown on his head a time or two too many playing MMA? - was questioned Sunday by Kristin Welker on Press The Meat and delivered a harsh response to the claim that thousands of people faced mounting costs after being fired as part of Elmo’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Dumbfucks “efficiency” cuts. “I would tell you that the majority of American people want to make sure that their taxpayers are being used correctly,” after he was asked what message he would send to the “people in Oklahoma” who were “hurting” after losing their jobs. “I don’t want anybody to lose their job. That’s the last thing we want. But at the same time, any time you’re trying to secure this country, which is a national security risk we have right now in our national debt, we have to make changes, and we have to make it quickly. Every business owner understands that you have to get your house in order before you can advance. That’s exactly what DOGE is doing.” It probably sounded more intelligent in the original DumbFuckingOkie-ese. DumbFuckingOkielahoma, the state founded by White Southern Losers too stupid to steal the land from the Indians themselves, so they had the federal government do it for them and have been complaining about “duh gub’mint”ever since.

From the Department of Their Mendacity Knows No Limit: Maine’s governor Janet Mills, who was the first female District Attorney and then Attorney General in Maine, serving three terms in the House of Representatives before being elected Governor of Maine by a higher vote margin than Dilbert ever got in the state, got into it with his alleged royal highness on Friday when he told her “We are federal law” and threatened to cut all federal funding to the state because she had not followed his command to cut off Title IX funding for any transgender athletes. After he made his royal threat, Mills told Fatso “We’ll see you in court.” Immediately after that, late on Friday afternoon, the Department of Education announced it was launching a Title IX investigation of Maine. The Governor announced, “I imagine that the outcome of this politically directed investigation is all but predetermined. My Administration will begin work with the Attorney General to defend the interests of Maine people in court. But do not be misled: this is not just about who can compete on the athletic field, this is about whether a President can force compliance with his will, without regard for the rule of law that governs our nation. I believe he cannot.” Maine will indeed by seeing Maladministration II in court, and it is an important fight for sure. “L’ Etat c’est Moi” is not part of American jurisprudence.

From the Department of Have At It Fat Old Gringo: Mexico’s President Claudia Sheinbaum has responded to Dilbert’s executive order designating Mexican drug cartels as terrorist organizations: “If cartels are terrorists, then those supplying their weapons—over 74% of which come from the US (citing US DOJ stats)—should be held accountable for aiding terrorism. In response, Mexico will expand its lawsuit against US gun manufacturers and Mexico will impose the harshest possible punishment on foreigners involved in arms trafficking or any form of interventionism in Mexico.” Is there an action too fucking stupid for “the most determined ignoramus I ever knew” to see as something not to do? Doubtful.

From the Department of For A Guy With Such A Small Dick, Elmo Sure Is A Dick: rumor has it from Elmo’s ex’s that the man with the biggest bank account in the world doesn’t have the biggest “package,” which may be why he acts like such a Big Dick - making up for his inadequacy. On Saturday, prominent Yale History Professor Timothy Snyder, who knows a thing or two about would-be dick-taters like the Elmo and Dilbert Show, posted: “Something is shifting. They are still breaking things and stealing things. And they will keep trying to break and to steal. But the propaganda magic around the oligarchical coup is fading. Nervous Musk, Trump, Vance have all been outclassed in public arguments these last few days. Govt failure, stock market crash, and dictatorial alliances are not popular. People are starting to realize that there is no truth here beyond the desire for personal wealth and power.” Elmo jumped on Xitter (that’s pronounced “shitter”) for the 2,312th time that day, and posted: “I’m tempted to call this guy a retard, but I won’t because I’ve used that word too many times.” The only retard, Elmo my lad, is the dumb fucking Unreconstructed South African Ketmaine Addict who thinks shitposting on Shitter is as important as blowing up the government. After Elmocars Inc. explodes and crashes like its products this year, - stock down 20% already with European sales down 50%, buddy - we’ll see how big your dick really is . Do you think its bigger than Dilbert’s mushwoom?

From the Department of Dumb Bimbos At Work: Inflatable sex toy Kristi Noem explained at the Circus of Broken Basement Dwellers, er, CPAC, that Dilbert is the one who wanted DHS to spend $200 million of governement money on TV ads touting his deportations, telling the audience that Dilbert told her: “We’re not going to let the media tell this story, because the media will never tell the truth. We’re going to run a marketing campaign to make sure the American people know the truth of what you’re doing. I want you in the ads, and I want your face in the ads. But in the first ad, I want you to thank me.” And of course the Teenage Mutant Basement Dwelling Incels all cheered and shouted “sieg Heil” (they really didn’t, but they wanted to).

From the Department of I Have To Do This But I Don’t Have To Like It: Professional escort Melania returned to the White House for one of her rare contractually-obligated appearances to make believe she can stand to be in the same city with her beloved husband for the first time since Enshittification Day 30 centuries ago (You’re really sure it wasn’t that long?). She flew in for the annual black-tie bipartisan Governors’ Ball on Saturday night and left early Sunday morning. Dilbert reported that “She worked very hard on making sure that everything was beautiful. And she’s very good at that.”

From the Department of Come And Try Asshole: Canadians in huge numbers are cancelling US vacations and moving them elsewhere. The US Travel Assn estimates this will cost the US economy $2.1 billion and 14,000 jobs based on the number of cancelations to date, with more on the way. Canadian airline analysts estimate flights to the US this spring from Canada will be down 25%. Statistic Canada reports the number of Canadians returning from the US by car was down 15,000 in January, the first drop since COVID hit in early 2020. Good news: the state expected to be hardest hit is Florida, traditionally the most popular travel destination for Canadians. This year the Ft. Lauderdale area expected 1.3-1.5 million Canadian visitors, spending $950-975 million. Not anymore. Stacy Ritter, CEO of Visit Ft. Lauderdale: “Canadian snowbirds are part of the fabric of this community all winter long, and have been for decades – at least 50 years.” She told the Post she’s been fielding emails from regulars who said they’re not coming back. “It felt like a gut punch. It makes me want to cry.” Maybe you should consider that Voting Has Consequences, Ma’am.

From the Department of Once A Shithead Always A shithead: Ron Desantis has sued Target for selling Pride month merchandise. His newly appointed AG launched a federal lawsuit against Target, claiming that they “misled investors” by promoting the merchandise, which he argues hurt their overall sales as conservative customers boycotted. The lawsuit claims Target violated the Securities Exchange Act by failing to disclose “the known risks” of its Pride month initiatives. According to FL AG James Uthmeier: “Corporations that push radical leftist ideology at the expense of financial returns jeopardize the retirement security of Florida’s first responders and teachers. My office will stridently pursue corporate reform so that companies get back to the business of doing business, not offensive political theatre.” Desantis then posted on Xitter: “Florida is where woke goes to die!” Can we feed these people to the alligators? Please?

From the Department of Dilbert Screws Everybody: Over the past 30 years, Poland worked on building its foreign policy around a strong alliance with the United States. This past weekend, Polish President Duda flew to Washington for a planned hour-long meeting with Dilbert. He got 10 minutes. That’s not just bad optics; it’s a humiliation. Poland has positioned itself as America’s most loyal ally in Europe. But in the midst of Dilbert reshaping U.S. policy on Ukraine and NATO as he publicly becomes Putin’s bitch, Poland got barely a moment of his time. Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk said of this: “This is nothing to laugh at. Let's be serious, because the situation is getting really serious.” Poland’s not the only one of our allies. Dilbert has alienated every country in Europe other than Slovakia and Hungary, the two weakest and poorest states, who share in common authoritarian governments whose leaders look on what Dilbert is doing with approval. As an historian colleague said to me last week, “All the international goodwill banked since 1918, pissed away in less than 30 days.”

And here’s what passes for good news today:

From the Department of Bad News For Dilbert Is Good News For America: The Trump economic reboot is a disaster. In April 2017, 40% Amricans thought the economy was excellent or good. In February 2020 just before COVID hit, 63 percent the economy was excellent or good. In Febryuary 2025, only 20% think the economy is excellent or good. This is the loest number saying this than at any point during Maladministraton I, even during COVID. The real trouble sign is the response to whether the economy was getting better or worse. In April 2017, 53% said the economy was getting better. In February 2025, 59% say the economy is getting worse compared to just 35% who say it's getting better. The number who think the economy is getting worse is higher now than at any point in Maladministration I pre-COVID. It looks like Americans are getting hip to the fact those eggs aren’t getting cheaper ($7.99/dozen at my local Von’s today).

I didn’t even get to the FBI, State Department, Pentagon and Treasury telling their employees to ignore Elmo’s email telling them to turn in a response by midnight tonight with five bullet points of things they did last week on their jobs, on pain of failing to do so being taken as “resignation,” a trick everybody’s favorite White South African Shithead High On His Own Supply pulled on the Twitter employees when he took over there two years ago. Yesterday, after the email address the reports were to go to got listed, lots of people sent Elmo their lists. Here’s what I sent that miserable piece of shit:

1. spent several hours considering the fact that Unreconstructed Afrikaner Shitweasel Elmo Muck is not and never was the "Chief Engineer" of anything and is in fact nothing more than a shitty takeover artist who used the dodgy fortune in dodgy Blood Diamonds and Conflict Gems his dodgy family made in the dodgy Afrikaner Wars to BUY the companies created by Actual Smart People, then fire them the way he's trying to fire the federal work force, so he could claim the credit and go to the Circus of Dwellers In Mommie's Basement, er, I mean CPAC last week and demonstrate to the world what a worthless drug addict with too much money looks like.

2. Spent an hour thinking about torching the next Elmocar I see that only works 75% of the time and can't self-drive for shit.

3. Spent an hour thinking how nice it would be to stuff Elmo in one of his Elmocars, then stick it in one of his exploding Elmorockets and fire the motherfucker into the sun.

4. Spent an hour reading the Market Reports of how Elmocars Inc. is losing 20% of stock value over last year, and how the sales of Elmocars in Europe has dropped 50 percent in the past year.

5. Spent an hour laughing at how Elmotruck get tagged now with all the things real people think about Elmo The Great.

6. An extra since I’m an over-achiever: Spent the rest of the time laughing at Elmo, who is not and never was a person with Aspergers. He's just a fucking asswipe.

The one thing these hayseeds cannot stand is being laughed at. That doesn’t mean you don’t take them seriously; they’re as serious as a heart attack about what they want to do to America. But because they all flunked the IQ test low enough to qualify as Dilbertshmucks, they’re the kind of stupid that thinks they’re geniuses, and it’s funny to watch those people trip over their shoelaces. TAFM will lead the laughter and provide everything needed to take the threat seriously. Your support of this work as a paid subscriber really helps. Only $7/month or $70/year.

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