POKING AROUND AS THE FIREHOSE CONTINUES TO SPRAY

His shit flows from that anus

From the Department of Even I Didn’t Think This Was Possible: Elmo’s youngest Teenage (he really is) Mutant Ninja Antisocial Basement Dweller, “Big Balls,” aka Edward Coristine, 19, whose previous job saw him fired from an internship at Path Network after he allegedly leaked the data security firm’s sensitive information to its competitor, now works as a “senior adviser” in the State Department’s Bureau of Diplomatic Technology. The incident didn’t prevent “Big Balls” from landing an internship at Elmo’s Neuralink before moving on to the Department of Dodgy, where his core responsibilities included gathering datasets on government personnel, contracts and programs. The bureau is a data hub that serves as the IT department for Washington’s diplomatic apparatus. National security lawyer Bradley Moss told Bloomberg that Big Balls’ previous activities that led to the firing would not entirely disqualify him from obtaining security clearances. However, Moss said it would “absolutely” raise concerns for higher-level clearance. Fellow Teenage Mutant Ninja Luke Farritor, a 23-year-old Department of Dodgy “engineer,” (despite lacking any professional credential to justify that title) is also listed in the State Department’s directory as working at the Bureau of Diplomatic Technology.

From the Department of Elmo Should Damn Well Be Afraid of Assassination: Elmo has a well-documented fear of assassination. One of the first things he did after taking control of Xitter (that’s pronounded “shitter”) was to close down the account of a young poster who followed his airplane flights and posted them to Xitter, claiming that the information subjected he and his harem and spawn to the possibility of assassination. So if you want to know how he’s dealing with his vast “ppoularity” now, a good example is the fact that Elmo did not fly to a conference in Miami last week due to death threats. He spoke at a JPMorgan Chase conference remotely and told the group he decided not to appear in person because he has received a lot of death threats recently. If we’re lucky, one of them will pay off. It’s the only way we’re going to get rid of the most dangerous political threat to the planet.

From the Department of Irony May Not Be As Extinct As Thought: Before heading to the Super Bowl, Dilbert predicted that the KC Chiefs would win: “I have to say, when a QB has won as much as he’s won, I have to go with KC. I have to go with KC.” Once there, Dilbert claimed that fans at the Super Bowl loved him but hated Taylor Swift because she endorsed Biden: “The only one that had a tougher night than the KC Chiefs was Taylor Swift. She got BOOED out of the Stadium. MAGA is very unforgiving!” Nope, didn’t happen. It wasn’t MAGA booing her because of Biden. It was Philly fans booing her because she’s dating a Chiefs player. But what did happen was that within five minutes of Dilbert leaving the show because he couldn’t face up to Lamar’s attack on him in the halftime show, the scoreless-at-that-point Chiefs finally put their first touchdown on the board. Irony may not be as extinct as I’ve thought.

From the Department of The Dumbfuck Can’t Do Anything That Isn’t Illegal: Once Dilbert was out of the stadium, he posted on Lies Antisocial that he was directing the U.S. Mint to stop producing pennies because they’re obsolete. The only trouble with that is - as it is with every other Dilbert Brainfart - as David Frum pointed out: “The Constitution vests power over the coinage in Congress, and Congress's laws require production of the penny. Trump's actions are illegal. Again. Obama wanted to abolish the penny too, but didn't do it because Congress would not change the law to allow him.”

From the Department of the Quaid Brothers Between Them Don’t Have A Positive-Number Single-Digit IQ (I know, I met them both): Among the MAGAt complainers who didn’t like Lamar’s in-your-face-assholes halftime performance was Randy ‘Cousin Eddie’ Quaid - the older and dumber of the two halfwits - who said: “Super Bowl Ads are out of touch with America. Still too woke. They seem tone deaf. Where are J6rs doing a Bud ad with Clydesdales, Old Glory, and the rising swell of rousing patriotic music by the J6 choir!” See what I mean? Dumber than shit.

From the Department of Dilbert Is A More Complete Piece Of Shit Than We Can Comprehend: A new White House statement indicates Dilbert is about to sign an executive order reversing Biden’s ban on bank overdraft fees, and preventing medical debt from being used to negatively affect credit reports. Because Fuck You, That’s Why. Dilbert Delenda Est!

From the Department of Dilbert Really Is The Most Determined Ignoramus Who Ever Lived: Dilbert announced a 25% tariff on all steel and aluminum coming into the US from any other country: "Any steel coming into the United States is going to have a 25% tariff. Aluminum, too."

The EU responded immediately: "At this stage, we have not received any official notification regarding the imposition of additional tariffs on EU goods. We will not respond to broad announcements without details or written clarification. The EU sees no justification for the imposition of tariffs on its exports. We will react to protect the interests of European businesses, workers and consumers from unjustified measures. The imposition of tariffs would be unlawful and economically counterproductive, especially given the deeply integrated production chains the EU and US established through Transatlantic trade and investment. Tariffs are essentially taxes. By imposing tariffs, the US would be taxing its own citizens, raising costs for business, and fueling inflation. Moreover, tariffs heighten economic uncertainty and disrupt the efficiency and integration of global markets." That’s not what Dilbert believes, so it must be wrong.

From the Department of All Dilbert’s Taste Is In His Mouth: Reporter: “Why do you want to be chairman of Kennedy Center board? Dilbert: “Some of the shows were terrible. They were a disgrace.” Reporter: Have you seen any shows there? Dilbert: “No.” The first artists who has been told he is banned from performing at the Kennedy Center is John Legend. Really? John Legend? You total fucking worthless dumbassed piece of shit. You should have been locked in a seabag and thrown off the George Washington Bridge when they caught you throwing rocks at a toddler in a playpen next door when you were 10. You motherfucking psychopath, you can’t die soon enough, you scummy Russian traitor.Go fuclk yourself in your face, Dilbert. Repeatedly. That “mouth” looks like a asshole anyway so it should be easy.

From the Department of he’s Fucking Crazier Than You Can Possibly Imagine: Reporter: “Does your commitment to rebuilding Gaza extend beyond your time in office?” Dilbert: “I’m committed to buying and owning Gaza. As far as us rebuilding it, we may give it to other states in the Middle East to build sections of it. There’s nothing to move back into—the place is a demolition site. (In three days, Dilbert’s bullshit has gone from “America will own this” to “I will own this.” President Dumbfuck imagines he’s going to buy Gaza and turn it into Dilbert National Duffing Course Middle East complete with expensive for the real plutocrats he’ll never be to use for their money laundering).The remainder will be demolished.” Reporter: “Would the US accept Palestinian refugees since you’re asking other countries to do that?” Dilbert: “It’s a very far distance for them to travel. They’re far away from their friends and family. They don’t want to go back to Gaza.” Turkish President Erdogan on Dilbert’s Gaza plan: "From our perspective, there is nothing worth talking about the proposals brought up by the new U.S. administration regarding Gaza under the pressure of the Zionist lobby. This plan is completely futile. No one has the power to remove the people of Gaza from their homeland. The people of Gaza will continue to stay in Gaza, live in Gaza, and protect Gaza."

From the Department of Dilbert Doesn’t Know What He’s Talking About, Social Security Subdepartment: Economist Matt Stoller: “Trump CEA Chair Kevin Hassett says a key way to bring down inflation is to encourage Social Security recipients to work more by getting rid of taxes on Social Security. I mean, ok.” Bloomberg’s Matthew Yglesias on Trump’s Social Security plans: “The way this works is that the Trump plan: 1. Raises benefits for the richest retirees in the short term. 2. Accelerates the program’s bankruptcy in the medium term. 3. Grandma’s getting a lucrative new job picking fruit.”

From the Department of Republican Cruelty Is The Point: Speaker Mike Johnson told Fox that “all options are on the table” for spending cuts to every government program as Republicans continue to argue amongst themselves as the March deadline before a shutdown approaches: “We have more time.” Rep. Riley Moore (R-WV) said the quiet part out loud to Fox that House Rs have Social Security, Medicare, and Veterans benefits targeted for major cuts: “We have an opportunity now with a unified govt to address mandatory spending. Mandatory spending is the biggest driver of debt in this country. That’s what House Rs are solely focused on while taking care of all these other agenda items. I think this is our once in a lifetime opportunity.” Freedom Caucus Chair Andy Harris: "We think there should be work requirements for able-bodied people who choose not to work. We don't think they should be on Medicaid. We don't think they should be receiving food stamps." Hakeem Jeffries: “House Repubs have no plan to love and cherish Medicaid. Let's be very clear about that. Their plan is to destroy Social Security, destroy Medicare, and destroy Medicaid as we know it. And now, with Republicans controlling the House, the Senate and the presidency, it's their intention to try and do it. Just watch what happens at the Republican budget hearing that is upcoming.”

From the Department of Florida Needs To Be Submerged: Ron DeSantis told the Yale Federalist Society that his newly appointed Attorney General James Uthmeier may prosecute Dr. Fauci using state charges to get around Biden’s pardon: “We have got a new AG coming in. I think he’s of the mindset to look at this to see what the jurisdictional hooks are, to see what what if any statutes may have been violated.” Desantis said if Florida takes the lead in going after Fauci, then “some other states would also do it. So it may end up boomeranging against Fauci. Biden intended to shield him from accountability and it may have actually sparked state-based efforts to ensure his accountability.” These people all need to die. Painfully.

From the Department of Because Fuck You That’s Why: Yesterday, Dilbert announced he had given former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich a full and complete pardon after commuting his 14-year sentence for attempting to sell the Senate seat vacated by Obama when he became president in 2008, back in 2019 during Maladministration I. Blagojevich one of the most shamelessly corrupt DNA wastes ever to be found guilty of corruption. The FBI recorded him saying, “I mean, I’ve got this thing, and it’s fucking golden. and I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing.” Why did Dilbert do this? Funny you should ask. In 2010, Blagojevich was a contestant on Dilbert’s game show, Celebrity Apprentice. That’s why he’s getting special treatment. Because fuck you.

And another from the ever-busy Department of Because Fuck You That’s Why: Also yesterday, Dilbert demonstrated exactly how he has turned the Department of Injustice into the Department of Injustice, when he announced he had ordered the department to drop all charges against New York Mayor Eric Adams, who had been under indictment on five counts of accepting illegal campaign funds and gifts in exchange for his influence as mayor. The order came from the acting deputy attorney general - Dilbert’s former defense attorney in his corruption trial in which he was found guilty of 34 felony charges to become the only convicted felon to be elected president - who said the indictment had “restricted” the mayor's ability to address “illegal immigration and violent crime” in the city. Adams will now fully cooperate with Dilbert’s Pogrom. Please, please! - don’t think Dilbert did this because Adams was completely up that fat smelly ass with his pilgrimages to Motel-A-Lardo to tell Dilbert that it smells just like Chanel No. 5 in there, which is merely the purest of coincidences. “Rule of law? Rule of law?! We don’t need no steenking Rule of Law, steenking Yanqui!” (With apologies to The Treasure of the Sierra Madre)

From the Department of Everything Dilbert Says Is A Confession: Also yesterday, following the new policy of Because Fuck You, Dilbert announced he has ordered all federal employees to repot to their offices five days a week to work, without exception. His “reasoning”? “We talk about reporting to work. I happen to be a believer that you have to go to work. I don’t think you can work from a home. I don’t know, there’s a whole big oh you can work from— nobody is gonna work from home. They are gonna be going out, they’re gonna play tennis, they’re gonna play golf, they’re gonna do a lot of things. They’re not working.” As usual, everything Alleged President Fuckface says is a confession of his own damn crimes. In 22 centuries in office since January 20, Dilbert has now gone duffing and cheating his fellow players (his version of “golf”) on 8 days.

From the Department of These Dumb Fucking illbillies Really Were Born Without Brains: Unreconstructed Confederate Traitor Rep. Buddy Carter of Georgia introduced a bill in the House yesterday that would allow Dilbert to enter negotiations to “purchase or otherwise acquire” Greenland and name it “Red, White and Blueland.” “America is back and will soon be bigger than ever with the addition of Red, White, and Blueland. President Dumbfuck (he didn’t use that word) has correctly identified the purchase of what is now Greenland as a national security priority, and we will proudly welcome its people to join the freest nation to ever exist when our Negotiator-in-Chief inks this monumental deal.” The Red, White, and Blueland Act of 2025, should it pass, will ensure federal paperwork gets updated to the new name within six months of said purchase. My ancestors should have been more thorough when they took that walking tour of the former prison colony of Jawjuh 160 years ago.

Here’s your Good News.

Teslas are popular in Europe

From the Department of Bad News For Elmo Is Good News For You: The Telegraph reports: “Tesla is in trouble. Sales have crashed 50% in Europe compared to last January. In China, its largest market, sales fell 11.5% in January. The share price has been dragged down 22% from its post-election peak in December. This matters a great deal, because Tesla’s stock price is the key to Musk’s business empire and his personal life. It unlocks capital for all the other businesses, including his rocket company SpaceX, and quixotic adventures such as buying Twitter. Tesla is also the basis of his personal income. Even loyal investors are beginning to get nervous. Musk has demanded even more control over the car company, telling investors that he needs 25% to ensure it’s a leader in AI and robotics. ‘L’État, c’est moi,’ he’s telling the industry: ‘I am Tesla’. But more Musk isn’t necessarily what they want. Investors now bridle when Musk makes autonomous driving promises that can’t be fulfilled. At SpaceX, Musk sets ambitious goals but then steps back and lets the brilliant executive Gwynne Shotwell run the show. Everybody’s favore Unreconstructed Afrikaner Dumbfuck was never “Chief Engineer” of anything. He’s a takeover artist, originally using his dodgy family’s dodgy fortune in dodgy Blood Diamonds and dodgier Conflict Gems. He BUYS companies created by the original creative geniuses, forces them out, then steals the credit. Tesla Delenda Est!!

Sweetie wants to know when in hell will this insanity stop?

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