THE WEEKEND UNFUNNIES

The Creature from the Reflecting Pool

There are 135 days to the mid terms.

During his Friday night Adderall overdose, Dilbert went on Lies Anti-Social to tell the world he had discovered the real Reason Why the Reflecting Pool Looks as it Does. He acknowledged there had been “some real problems” at the newly renovated Reflecting Pool, but he didn’t blame the work of his “pool guy.” No, of course not - he blamed “Vandalism,” claiming unnamed people had used chemicals to “destroy and demean our beautiful work.” The real Big Villain in the story turns out to be Lightweight ABC News Reporter Jonathan Karl, who Captain Queeg, er, I mean Dilbert, accused of sticking his hand into the pool and trying to “rip the rubber off of the surface.” And then - using geometric logic - he revealed the secret of who ate the strawberries. It was “Radical Left Lunatics, most likely Dumocrats.” He then promised that the problem would be fixed “early next week,” and assured everyone that Law Enforcement is actively investigating this situation and will hopefully have it resolved soon. At last! With Dilbert on the case, we will finally solve the mystery of who ate the strawberries.

This morning, Iran announced that the Strait of Hormuz is closed to vessel traffic, citing what it says are U.S. and Israeli violations of the ceasefire agreement that was supposed to begin stabilizing the region. The IRGC said: “In light of the United States’ clear bad faith and breach of its commitment to implement the first clause of the memorandum of understanding for ending the war, and in response to the continuous and ongoing violations of the ceasefire by the Zionist regime in southern Lebanon, it is hereby announced that the Strait of Hormuz will be closed to maritime traffic.” The announcement came after Israeli strikes in Lebanon killed at least 16 people after an Israel-Hezbollah ceasefire supposedly took effect. Iran’s top joint military command, Khatam al-Anbiya Central Headquarters, said the Strait of Hormuz would be closed to vessel traffic because of alleged violations of the ceasefire agreement by the United States and Israel. Iranian state-linked media described the closure as a “first step,” warning that further measures could follow if what Iran called “aggression” continues.

Just as Iran made the above announcement, Corporal Couchmolester was on Fux and Dopes to declare that up is down, in is out, right is left, and day is night. He responded to reports saying Iran’s naval forces were blocking ship traffic in the strait, saying the passage was still open and pointing to what he described as a record-breaking amount of oil moving through the critical trading corridor over the last 24 hours, suggesting that the strait was not closed. He went on to say: “One of the things the president has set us out to do as a high priority is to open the Strait. That’s now happened. We actually got 16 million barrels of oil out of the Strait of Hormuz yesterday. That is a record going back to even before the conflict started. So you’re seeing those ships move.” He then declared that a ship may have been prevented from entering dangerous waters, but was adamant that the waterway was open to commercial traffic. “Now what I would believe is that if a ship is going near a minefield, either our navy or another country’s navy - there are a lot of countries other than Iran who are in the region - might say ‘no, don’t go there because there are mines there.’” He finished with a flourish: “No, we’re not seeing any evidence that the Iranians are still closing down the Strait of Hormuz. It is going to take some time to clear those mines, though.”

Don’t tell Dilbert that when you’re in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. During the Friday Night Follies, he wrote on Lies Anti-Social: “Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni asked, over and over, for a picture with me during the G-7 meeting in France.” He went on to say of Meloni: “She is doing poorly in Italy with her level of popularity, possibly because she turned down the United States of America, a Country that truly loves and protects Italy.” “doing poorly.” Meloni came back with: “President Trump, these constant, unprovoked attacks are senseless. As for my popularity, being your friend certainly has not helped it, nor does it depend on my relationship with you. My popularity depends on my ability to defend Italy’s national interest, and that is exactly what I have always done. That is also what I did regarding the American military bases in Italy. Their use is governed by agreements that we have always respected, and that cannot be violated as long as I am Prime Minister. Italy remains a sovereign nation. In any case, my popularity is none of your concern. I suggest you focus on yours.” Blah-blah-blah-blah... clown with a flamethrower.

The Trump-appointed “Board” at the Kennedy Center also needs a reminder about “stop digging.” Maladministration II said in a late Friday court filing that it is still considering a “partial closure” at the Kennedy Center, despite a previous ruling requiring that the iconic performing arts center remains open. Last month, U.S. District Judge Christopher Cooper ruled that the institution’s board improperly voted to shut down the center starting on July 5 for renovations and asked Maladministration II to share more details about these planned renovations and scheduled programming at the center for after the previously planned closure date. Matt Floca, the center’s executive director, said in the Friday filing that management plans to present the board with three options: “complete closure” with “no ongoing programming,” “partial closure” with “limited programming” or “phased closures” and a “full slate of programming.” TrumpDOJ said, “The Center continues to prepare for additional capital repair and construction activities,” noting Cooper’s order did not block the center from closing for renovations altogether nor did it require them to reschedule cancelled programming, saying these renovations will occur between July and December, pending approval from the performing arts center’s board. Attorneys for Kennedy Center ex officio board member Rep. Joyce Beatty (D-Ohio), who brought the original lawsuit against the administration, responded Friday evening. Her lawyers said the filing “confirms that they plan to turn the Kennedy Center into a lifeless husk.” “As things stand now, absent action on Defendants’ part, the Kennedy Center will have no meaningful operations after July 5, 2026. Defendants are thus following through with, and continuing to implement, their existing plans to close the Center, contrary to the Court’s preliminary injunction order.”

Friday, the official DHS account on X published a photograph of three non-white American soccer players with the caption: “Defend the Homeland; One Nation. One Homeland. One Team,” and another caption that read “OUR SOIL.” Mehdi Hasan had this comment: “On Friday, the Trump administration took that racism and xenophobia to the next level, but, thankfully, made a fool of itself in the process. The funniest part is that the image itself completely undermines the accompanying far-right message. It is a picture of three non-white American players (Chris Richards, Sergiño Dest, Folarin Balogun), one of whom (Balogun) scored twice in the USMNT’s 4-1 demolition of Paraguay at the start of the tournament.” He capped it: “Balogun is an American by virtue of.. wait for it… birthright citizenship.”

I’m sooooo surprised: Public trust in the federal government has reached its lowest level in more than 20 years as 74% of U.S. voters say they are not satisfied with the direction of the country, according to a new Fox News poll. The poll, released Wednesday, found that 25% of registered voters said they “generally trust” the federal government compared to 74% who said they don’t.

That figure is down from 32% in the two previous summers, taken before the final six months of the Biden administration and after the first six months of Maladministration II. Trust reached a previous record low of 31% in late June 2023, just weeks after Trump was indicted on 37 federal charges for allegedly mishandling classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. The number has not been above 40% since the second Obama administration. Distrust has steadily risen over the past 10 years; 74% of voters now say they generally don’t trust the federal government. That number is highest among Democrats, 83% of whom said they do not currently trust the federal government compared to 73% who said the same last year. 65% of Republicans expressed distrust in the most recent poll. 80% of Independents are distrustful compared to only 18% who said they trust the government.

Yesterday, at the public reveal of the Flying Arabian Whorehouse, er, I mean the “new” (but well-used) Chair Farce One with its tacky Trump Air Force paint job (amazing it didn’t hve his name on it in golden letters), Trump seemed taken aback when a pair of Air Force officers got a bigger round of applause than he did at the unveiling. He no longer makes the slightest attempt to disguise what a worthless piece of thinskinned shit he is, saying what all the Trumptoads are now trying to pass off as another one of his “jokes”: “That’s pretty good. That’s the best hand. You got a bigger hand than I did. That’s the end of your job. I don’t like that. I’m not happy about it.” He then seemed to find himself again. “Nah, these are great pilots. These are great, very talented people.” (Which of those two sentences do you think floats around in the cesspool between his ears as “the truth”?)

The TrumpDOJ snubbed Judge Leonie Brinkema demand they swear in writing that a nearly $1.8 billion anti-weaponization fund is dead, arguing the request raises “serious separation of powers concerns.” The judge indefinitely blocked the fund last Friday and issued a seven-day deadline for acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and Associate Attorney General Stanley Woodward to declare under penalty of perjury that it would not move forward “to avoid any further litigation.” But TrumpDOJ attorneys declined to offer that commitment in writing, asserting yesterday that it should not be required to do so in order to have a lawsuit brought by a former federal prosecutor and others dismissed. “Such declarations are unnecessary and the compelled testimony of senior officials from the Executive Branch implicates serious separation of powers concerns,” Woodward’s senior counsel Andrew Block wrote in a filing. Skye Perryman, president and CEO of Democracy Forward, which is representing the plaintiffs in this case, called the TrumpDOJ filing “telling” in a statement: “It is telling that even after the federal court gave them a week, the Acting Attorney General and other senior administration officials continue to refuse to say under oath that the Slush Fund is dead and won’t operate in the future. Nor have they provided any information under oath about their compliance with the court’s prior directives.”

Dilbert doubled down Friday on what he said to Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni and reinforced his criticism of her: “She was a big fan. But I don’t want her as a fan because she was not there - along with the NATO group - having to do with the strait,” he continued, an apparent reference to his demands for European allies to be more involved in the U.S.’s efforts to secure the Strait of Hormuz. The two, who previously had a warm relationship, have split over Maladministration II’s war with Iran. Dilbert has lashed out at Meloni and other U.S. allies for criticizing his handling “Trump’s War.”

On Thursday, Cuban lawmakers unanimously approved nearly 200 pro-market reforms. Billed as the most profound changes since the 1959 revolution, the measures aim to rescue the island’s crisis-hit socialist economy by rolling back state control and opening 23 economic sectors to private investment. Foreign investors no longer require state joint ventures and can acquire equity stakes in state companies, while authorization is granted for large private enterprises. Private banks are authorized; businesses can hire over 100 employees; entrepreneurs may own multiple firms. State-owned companies and private entities gain direct import and export rights, bypassing state intermediaries. A real-time digital foreign exchange market will be established, alongside investment opportunities for Cubans living abroad. The government will gradually phase out the traditional rationing system, moving staple goods to market-driven pricing. Despite introducing these market-liberalization measures, President Miguel Díaz-Canel emphasized the Communist Party will not abandon socialism. The overhaul is largely viewed as an emergency response to punishing U.S. sanctions and a deepening domestic energy and financial crisis.

Remember, you are not the crazy ones, and we were made for these times. Regardless of what you may feel right now, act as if you believe that and redouble your efforts.

“Neither let us be slandered froim our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government, nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty, as we understand it.” - Abraham Lincoln

Ginger

The current media scene is a stark reminder of the importance of independent journalism. We can bring down Trump, with your support. Across Substack, authors like me need your help! It’s only 21 cents a day. Thomas Jefferson said he’d rather have newspapers without a government than a government without newspapers because he understood that a republic cannot survive without an adversarial press willing to challenge power. I know that my writing too often only serves to confirm what my enlightened readers already think. While I’d like a wider audience, I believe I perform a necessary function, because sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone with your worry can provide the strength to carry on with saving yourself first, and America second. Since January, TAFM has lost 100 paid subscribers; a loss we cannot afford which is happening across Substack for we “originals.” We really need some new paid supporters There are several readers who visit every day - is what you get here worth 21 cents? It’s only a little, but its result is huge. Thank you for your support.

“This is great, I love your blog. Keep at it.” - Stephen King (free subscriber on March 15, paid subscriber on April 28)

Comments are for paid subscribers.