POKING AROUND WHEN YOU WANT TO ROOT FOR THE ASTEROID

Unfortunately this asteroid is only big enough to take out a city at most

From the Department of This Fuckwit Was My Biggest Fan of Bridgebusters And I’m Not Kidding: My favorite book reviewer, Steve Bannon (he really did love Bridgebusters) has pleaded guilty to defrauding donors who gave money to the “We Build the Wall” organization, which scammed over $25 million and promised that all the donations would be used to fund the creation of the wall. Prosecutors alleged that Bannon instead used the money as a “personal piggybank,” and funneled more than $1 million into his and his colleague’s pockets. As he left the court, Bannon told reporters he felt “like a million bucks.” Bannon will avoid jail time thanks to a plea agreement, but he is barred from fundraising or running charities in New York state, and is subject to a three year conditional discharge. This is Bannon’s second criminal conviction after he served four months in prison for being in contempt of Congress for defying a subpoena from the committee investigating the Jan. 6 riots.

From the Department of This Self Coup Is Really Fucked Up: Workers at FEMAgency have been told to flip a coin to decide who gets a desk, thanks to overcrowding after Dilbert’s return- to-office edict. Many federal agencies reduced their office space in the pandemic, leading to a lack of space for employees to work. Managers at FEMA, where there is reportedly only enough desks for 60 percent of the staff, have shared guidance telling staff to consider seniority and full- or part-time status when allocating seats. Or, if that doesn’t work, staff should toss a coin to decide who gets the contested desk.

From the Department of Have You Ever Read A History Book, Kid?: Chris Hughes, the co-founder of Fleeceblock, has launched an angsty Substack - Marketcraft - aimed at chronicling quick political and economic changes under Dilbert’s Maladministration II. In the first entry, Hughes argued Republicans and Democrats alike have long been trying to crack how market forces can accomplish political goals like lowering inflation or creating relatable sources of energy, which he called marketcraft. But Hughes explains that “when marketcraft works best, it’s because legislators empower an insulated institution with a clear mission and the discretion to accomplish it.” He claimed Dilbert is weakening the administrative state with the aid of Elmo and Russ Vought. “That’s a tricky line to walk, and it will handicap government in the short term and hollow out its ability to deliver for Americans in the longer term,” he wrote. Hughes argues for revitalizing government institutions to ensure markets serve the common good, which directly counteracts the Trump administration’s attacks on the federal system. According to Hughes, there is a need for a new economic vision that will balance public power to lower costs and raise wages while also addressing long-term challenges like climate change and technological disruption. Uh, gee, Chris, if you’d ever read a political history book, you’d know that thing you like isn’t new. It’s 90 years old in fact - they called it The New Deal. But sell it as “new.” Maybe your fellow millennial idiot computer geeks will buy that and bring it back.

From the Department of The World’s Most Determined Ignoramus Strikes Again: Dilbert’s latest obsession is bathroom appliances—namely, “SINKS, SHOWERS, TOILETS, WASHING MACHINES, DISHWASHERS.” In a bizarre rant yesterday, Dilbert declared he was re-instituting the household water-flow standards of Maladministratio0 In. “I am hereby instructing Secretary Lee Zeldin to immediately go back to my Environmental Orders, which were terminated by Crooked Joe Biden, on Water Standards and Flow pertaining to SINKS, SHOWERS, TOILETS, WASHING MACHINES, DISHWASHERS, etc.‚” he wrote on Lies Anti-Social. Biden’s water-flow standards were meant to reduce the amount of water and energy used by these appliances and help people save on utilities. During Maladministration I, Dilbert touted what his household water-flow policies would do for the rat’s nest atop his head: “You go into a shower, and I have this beautiful head of hair, I need a lot of water. You go into the shower, right? You turn on the water. Drip, drip, drip. I call the guy, something wrong with this? No, sir. It’s just the restrictor.” He suggested people end up using more water and it’s a “very unpleasant experience.” FACT CHECK: research studies indicate otherwise.

From the Department of The Chief Grifter Supports The Other Ones: Dilbert has instructed Chief Fluffer, er, I mean Attorney General, Pam Bondi to pause prosecutions of companies that bribe foreign government officials to win business. The Foreign Corrupt Practices Act has been “stretched beyond proper bounds and abused in a manner that harms the interests of the United States,” hurting American competitiveness, Dilbert wrote in an executive order signed Monday, telling reporters,. “It’s going to mean a lot more business for America.” He’s wanted to strike down the law since Maladministration I. The new executive order directs Bondi to spend 180 days reviewing all current FCPA investigations and enforcement actions against American companies, and issue a set of guidelines and practices that “prioritize American interests.” She can then extend the review period for another 180 days at her discretion. “Future FCPA investigations and enforcement actions will be governed by this new guidance and must be approved by the attorney general.” The order’s legality was not immediately clear (they’re going to get bored sayingthat all the time from now on). Generally, the Constitution requires the president to “take care that the laws” passed by Congress “be faithfully executed.” Presidents cannot override laws, according to the ACLU. In a fact sheet accompanying the executive order, the White House said that “overenforcement” of the FCPA has infringed the president’s authority to conduct foreign affairs and has stopped American companies from “engaging in practices common among international competitors, creating an uneven playing field.” The fact sheet didn’t elaborate on what the White House considers “overenforcement,” but it did highlight the country’s need for critical minerals and deep-water ports. Last year, the DOJ and SEC filed 26 FCPA-related enforcement actions, with 31 companies under investigation by year’s end. Over the past 10 years, DOJ has brought an average of 36 enforcement actions per year. Major companies such as Goldman Sachs, Glencore and Walmart have all come under FCPA scrutiny. Anti-corruption watchdog Transparency International said the law has made the U.S. a global leader in fighting corruption. Monday’s executive order “diminishes—and could pave the way for completely eliminating—the crown jewel in the U.S.’s fight against global corruption,” said executive director Gary Kalman. Dilbert’s probably going to find a way to get his cut, like any good mob boss.

From the Department of When You Get Schooled By The Pope It Means You Really Fucked Up, Corporal Couchfuck: Pope Francis issued a major rebuke Tuesday to the Dilbert Pogrom, warning that the forceful removal of people purely because of their illegal status deprives them of their inherent dignity and “will end badly.” Francis took the remarkable step of addressing the Dilbert Pogrom in a letter to U.S. bishops in which he appeared to take direct aim at Vice President JD Vance’s defense of the pogrom on theological grounds. History’s first Latin American pope has long made caring for migrants a priority, citing the biblical command to “welcome the stranger” in demanding that countries welcome, protect, promote and integrate those fleeing conflicts, poverty and climate disasters. Francis said nations have the right to defend themselves and keep their communities safe from criminals. “That said, the act of deporting people who in many cases have left their own land for reasons of extreme poverty, insecurity, exploitation, persecution or serious deterioration of the environment, damages the dignity of many men and women, and of entire families, and places them in a state of particular vulnerability and defenselessness,” he wrote. Citing the Book of Exodus and Jesus Christ’s own experience, Francis affirmed the right of people to seek shelter and safety in other lands and described the pogrom as a “major crisis.” Catholic convert Corporal Couchfucker has defended the pogrom by citing a concept from medieval Catholic theology known in Latin as “ordo amoris.” He has said the concept delineates a hierarchy of care — to family first, followed by neighbor, community, fellow citizens and lastly those elsewhere. In his letter, Francis corrected our jumped-up little hillbilly: “Christian love is not a concentric expansion of interests that little by little extend to other persons and groups. The true ordo amoris that must be promoted is that which we discover by meditating constantly on the parable of the ‘Good Samaritan,’ that is, by meditating on the love that builds a fraternity open to all, without exception.”

From the Department of Hitchcock Was Right - Actors Should Be Treated Like Cattle: Armie Hammer says he would consider working with disgraced film director Woody Allen because he doesn’t believe in cancel culture. Speaking on Louis Theroux’s podcast, the Social Network star said he would sit down with Allen to try and judge his character first if he offered Hammer a part. The actor’s acting career took a nosedive after he was accused of rape and cannibalism in 2021, allegations he denies. “There’s no right way to answer this question,” Hammer said, adding, “If I say no... then all I’m doing is saying, ‘I believe in this system that cancels people.’” Allen is accused of molesting his adopted daughter when she was 7. He has denied the allegations. Allen’s son Ronan Farrow has criticized actors who continue to work with the director. In the new Hammer interview, host Louis Theroux went on to ask what the actor would do if he was asked to work on a project where Allen was the director, “the co-star is Kevin Spacey, and the producer is Harvey Weinstein.” Hammer replied drily, “What are they paying?”

From the Department of I Didn’t Know Vince Still Had Money: One person was killed and others were injured after a private jet owned by Mötley Crüe singer Vince Neil crashed into another plane Monday at the airport in Scottsdale, Ariz., a suburb of Phoenix. A representative for Neil said the plane, registered to the singer’s company Chromed in Hollywood LLC, was attempting to land at the smaller Arizona airport. “For reasons unknown at this time, the plane veered from the runway causing it to collide with another parked plane,” Worrick Robinson, his representative, said in a statement. Neil was not aboard the plane, but there were two pilots and passengers aboard when the incident occurred. Robinson said it was a “rapidly evolving situation” and no more specifics were known at the time. “Mr. Neil’s thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved, and he is grateful for the critical aid of all first responders assisting today,” Robinson added. Neil’s plane hit another midsize business jet parked on private property, a representative at the Scottsdale airport told The Associated Press. The aviation incident marks the latest in a string of crashes in the U.S. in the last two weeks

From the Department of When I Hear The Word Culture I Reach For My Gun (Goebbels really said that): Donald Trump has named his longtime foreign policy adviser Ric Grenell as interim executive director of the John F Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington, a move likely to raise concerns about the politicisation of the arts and potential for censorship. Grenell has been a vocal tribune of Trump’s “America First” ideology, and was not afraid to ruffle feathers during past spells as ambassador to Germany and acting director of national intelligence (he was the first openly gay person to lead the intelligence community). More recently, the 58-year-old has served as the president’s envoy for special missions, and was involved in securing the release of Americans detained in Venezuela. Trump had announced on Friday that he was firing multiple individuals from the national cultural complex’s board of trustees, including chairman David Rubenstein, a billionaire philanthropist. Trump named himself chairman and said he would soon announce a new board for the Kennedy Center, which he condemned for having featured “drag shows specifically targeting our youth”. In a social media post on Monday, the president wrote: “Ric shares my Vision for a GOLDEN AGE of American Arts and Culture, and will be overseeing the daily operations of the Center. NO MORE DRAG SHOWS, OR OTHER ANTI-AMERICAN PROPAGANDA – ONLY THE BEST. RIC, WELCOME TO SHOW BUSINESS!” During his first term in office, Trump snubbed the annual Kennedy Center Honors, considered the top national award for achievement in the arts. the Kennedy Center doesn’t have an executive director position and it’s not clear on what authority, If any, Dilbert is relying on to intervene directly in Kennedy Center affairs.

From the Department of This Is How It Happens: PBS is closing an office dedicated to diversity, equity and inclusion efforts, following Donald Trump‘s series of executive orders targeting such programs. The announcement comes amid the prospect that public television funding will be targeted by the current administration and Republicans in Congress. In his first term, Trump sought to zero out funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, but the proposal went nowhere, as lawmakers on Capitol Hill restored it. In a memo to employees, PBS President Paula Kerger wrote that “to ensure that we are complying with the president’s executive order we have closed our DEI office, and Cecilia Loving and Gina Leow are leaving PBS.”

From the Department of Go Fuck Yourself In Your Face Google: In yet another act of self-surrender by the Rich Fucks who think surrendering to Dilbert will let them go on about their way without problems, Google Calendar has removed key cultural events from their site including: Pride Month; Black History Month; Holocaust Remembrance Day; Jewish Heritage; Hispanic Heritage; Indigenous People Month.

King Abdullah II of Jordan pledged to take in 2,000 sick Palestinian children from the Gaza Strip on Tuesday amid pressure from President Trump for his country to take in Palestinians from the enclave. Abdullah met with Trump at the White House, where the two leaders discussed controversial proposals from Trump to take in large swaths of the Palestinian population in Gaza while continuing to double down on the U.S. taking over the coastal strip and sending mixed signals on whether residents could ever return. Trump, meanwhile, appeared to also backpedal from a suggestion he floated the day before about withholding aid to Jordan and Egypt if they didn’t take up his proposal for relocating Palestinians in their countries upon hearing Abdullah’s offer to take in sick children. “I think the president is very happy that we do this thing with 2,000 children as quickly as possible,” Abdullah said. “I believe that the president is looking forward to getting a group of us Arabs here to discuss the overall plan.” Abdullah outlined that his country will focus on children with cancer or who are sick, which Trump praised as a “beautiful gesture.” Sitting in the Oval Office the day before during an executive order signing, Trump was asked if he would withhold aid from Jordan and Egypt “if they don’t take in the Palestinians.” “Yeah, maybe. Sure, why not?” Trump responded. “If they don’t agree, I would conceivably withhold aid. Yeah,” Trump responded.

The Army and other service branches are abandoning recruiting efforts at a prestigious Black engineering event this week, turning down access to a key pool of highly qualified potential applicants amid President Donald Trump's purge of diversity initiatives in the military.Until this week, Army Recruiting Command had a long-standing public partnership with the Black Engineer of the Year Awards, or BEYA, an annual conference that draws students, academics and professionals in science, technology, engineering and math, also known as STEM. The event, which takes place in Baltimore, has historically been a key venue for the Pentagon to recruit talent, including awarding Reserve Officers' Training Corps scholarships and pitching military service to rising engineers. Past BEYA events have included the Army chief of staff and the defense secretary. The services cited concerns that participation in the predominantly Black event could run afoul of Trump's orders and the Pentagon's intensifying push to erase diversity efforts in the military, according to multiple sources familiar with the decision. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Jan. 31 ordered that Black History Month, Women's History Month and others were officially "dead" and that the military would no longer mark them. "In compliance with Department of Defense and Headquarters Department of the Army guidance, U.S. Army Recruiting Command will not participate in the upcoming BEYA event," Madison Bonzo, a service spokesperson, said in a statement to Military.com. "Service members and civilians are permitted to attend this event in an unofficial/personal capacity if they choose to do so." The Navy, Air Force and Space Force are also pulling out of the event and forbidding officials from attending in an official capacity or in uniform. It was unclear Monday whether the Marines were still participating. "It's f---ing racist," one active-duty Army general told Military.com on the condition of anonymity to avoid retaliation. "For the Army now, it's 'Blacks need not apply' and it breaks my heart." Military families protesting the Defense Department's anti-DEI push heckled Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth on his arrival at United States European Command headquarters in Germany on Tuesday. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is renaming Ft. Liberty back to Ft. Bragg, but the “Bragg” now refers not to the Confederate general it was originally named for but to an obscure Army private first class who fought in World War II.

Frm the Department of Hegseth Is Out Of His Bottle And On The Loose: In an order Friday not made public until Monday, Hegseth blocked transgender Americans from joining the military and halted gender-affirming care for current service members. Dilbert has ordered the immediate dismissals of the boards of visitors for all four military service academies. The DOD has begun banning certain books in its school system serving military families in response to Dilbert’s anti-DEI executive order

President Donald Trump on Monday urged Israel to cancel its ceasefire deal with Hamas and “let all hell break out” if Hamas does not return hostages still being held in Gaza by noon on Saturday. Earlier Monday, Hamas threatened to postpone the next hostage release scheduled to take place on Saturday “until further notice,” accusing Israel of breaking the ceasefire deal. “As far as I’m concerned, if all of the hostages aren’t returned by Saturday at 12 o’clock – I think it’s an appropriate time – I would say, cancel it and all bets are off and let hell break out,” the president told reporters in the Oval Office after signing executive actions. “I’d say they ought to be returned by 12 o’clock on Saturday, and if they’re not returned – all of them, not in drips and drabs, not two and one and three and four and two. Saturday at 12 o’clock, and after that, I would say, all hell is going to break out.” Pressed on what “all hell” might entail in Gaza, Trump said, “You’ll find out, and they’ll find out — Hamas will find out what I mean. I’m speaking for myself. Israel can override it, but from myself, Saturday at 12 o’clock, and if they’re not – they’re not here, all hell is going to break out,” he added. Trump expressed skepticism that many hostages remain alive to release, telling reporters, “I think a lot of the hostages are dead.”

From the Department of Criminals Gotta Go Criming: Dilbert claims he has demanded $500 billion in “rare earth” from Ukraine as compensation for U.S. aid to fend off the Russian invasion. “Otherwise, we’re stupid. I said to them we have to — ‘we have to get something. We can’t continue to pay this money,’” he said. FACT CHECK: President Zelensky offered access to Ukraine natural resources to convince Dilbert to see them as a net positive and thus support them. Dilbert has swallowed the bait.

From the Department of This Is How It Happens: The White House blocked an AP reporter from an event Tuesday after demanding the news agency alter its style on the Gulf of Mexico, which Dilbert has ordered be renamed the Gulf of America. The reporter tried to enter the White House event as usual and was turned away, AP executives said. Julie Pace, senior vice president and executive editor of The Associated Press, called the administration's move unacceptable: “It is alarming that the Trump administration would punish AP for its independent journalism. Limiting our access to the Oval Office based on the content of AP’s speech not only severely impedes the public’s access to independent news, it plainly violates the First Amendment.” AP style is not only used by the agency. The AP Stylebook is relied on by thousands of journalists and other writers globally. Welcome to the Confederacy of Fucking Dumbasses. This week, Google Maps began using “Gulf of America," saying it had a “longstanding practice” of following the U.S. government’s lead on such matters. The other leading online map provider, Apple Maps, was still using “Gulf of Mexico.”

Here’s the Good News:

From the Department of Dilbert And Elmo Have Their Heads Up His Ass: After Dilbert issued his executive order putting all the persecuted white South Africans known as Afrikaners at the head of the immigrant refugee line after the horrible South African government announced a policy that will oppress the poor innocent white people by redistributing some of 75% of the nation’s land still controlled by the Afrikaners as the result of 400 years of white supremacist colonialism, to provide opportunity for black South African farmers, it turns out the Afrikaners want nothing to do with it, even if it is the brainfart of noted Unreconstructed Afrikaner Shitforbrains Apartheid Enthusiast and white nationalist dog whistler consumed by unfounded white grievance Elmo - the undoubted author of the unsigned order - which reads: “The United States shall promote the resettlement of Afrikaner refugees escaping government- sponsored race-based discrimination, including racially discriminatory property confiscation.” However, it turns out the Afrikaners don’t want to be saved by Elmo. They have rejected the entire premise of Dilbert’s order saving them. Also, Dilbert’s order supposedly eliminates U.S. foreign aid to South Africa, but the U.S. provides no foreign aid to South Africa other than PEPFAR, according to South African President Cyril Ramaphosa. PEPFAR, which helps fight HIV in South Africa and across the continent, is unaffected by the executive order, according to the U.S. Embassy in South Africa.

Finally, from the Department of Jesus Fucking Christ!: The goddamned motherfucking spineless shithead Confederate Traitors in the Senate, er, I mean the MAGAt majority and the weathervanes, just confirmed Russian Asset and complete dumbass on the topic of intelligence Tulsi Gabbard to oversee US intelligence agencies. I’m sure Chief Tosser From Windows Vlad the Impaler and his comradskis are breaking out the vodka for a big celebration of this victory. The Enemies of America are following their assignments.

(NOTE TO READERS: In answer to a question when will there be any more long “think pieces,” that will happen when I have time to think of more than the Terror of The Contractual Deadline on the next book, which will be completed in the next six weeks or I get my head chopped off by my nice British publisher. Also the daily firehose really is a damn daily firehose.)

As everyone with a brain has been saying this week, It. Really. Is. A. Coup. It’s important to keep track of this insanity. TAFM is doing its part, but your support of this work as a paid subscriber would make what is now a full-time job a lot easier. It’s only $7/month or $70/year.

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