POKING AROUND TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE GOP CRASHES AND BURNS

There are 613 days to the mid terms and two weeks till the GOP trips over their own shoelaces and closes the government. Today is the economic boycott! Cash only at local stores only! Now say hello to the Dilbert Depression. It’s on the way.

From the Department of Just The Facts, Ma’am: The Department of Labor issued the new jobs report - it’s dismal: first-time applications for unemployment benefits rose higher than expected with 242,000 jobless claims filed last week - up 22,000 from the previous week. Egg prices are highest in US history and are projected to only get worse in the near future as the US Dept of Agriculture estimates that egg prices will rise another 41% this year. ($8.99/doz at the local Vons Supermarket here in Encino yesterday afternoon)

From the Department of Thank You Very Fucking Much Dilbert You Fuckhead: Dilbert announced that the 30-day stay of execution on imposing 25% tariffs on Mexico and Canada expires nest Tuesday. Dilbert on Lies Anti-Social: “The proposed TARIFFS scheduled to go into effect on MARCH FOURTH will, indeed, go into effect, as scheduled. China will likewise be charged an additional 10% Tariff on that date. Thank you for your attention to this matter. GOD BLESS AMERICA!” He’s also adding another 10% tariff on top of the 10% tariff he imposed on China last month, and says this will make Chinese companies set up subsidiaries here in the U.S. to get around the tariffs. Here’s the script: these huge tariffs take effect, the stock market tumbles, prices and inflation go up, people lose their jobs, boycotts ensue, and those countries impose huge retaliatory tariffs on us. There’s already a big drop in consumer spending due to the uncertainty all the DilbertBS is causing. Get ready for the Dilbertdepression. And get ready for Dilbert to blame it on Biden even though he’s the one who just fucked up a good economy. Welcome to 1929 in 2025.

From the Department of Canadians Do Know How To Say Fuck You In Your Face Dilbert: Bloomberg reports Canadians have had enough of the Dilbert abuse and are boycotting American products. Canada purchased $349.4 billion in US goods in 2024 - almost as much as the entire EU. Canada sends more tourists to the US than any other country, who spent $20.5 billion in the US last year. But that is all over now. A survey of 3,310 Canadians by a Vancouver-based research firm found 85% of people plan to replace US products with alternatives. Nearly half who planned to vacation in the US in 2025 are changing their travel plans. Say good-bye to $349 billion, Dilbert, you fuckwitted senile old fool.

From the Department of MAGA Mike Heads For The Cliff: Speaker MAGA Mike might have just made a shutdown dramatically more likely. He’s considering codifying some of DOGE’s cuts in the funding bill. It’s still only an idea at this point, one that Johnson discussed yesterday at the White House with Dilbert. It’s been met with serious side-eyes from other Republican aides, who admit it would seriously imperil the bill’s passage. Democrats have been protesting DOGE cuts, and pressuring Republicans to do the exact opposite of what Johnson is considering: codifying restrictions on Elmo’s cutting frenzy. He’s also considering whether to push through a government funding bill with just Republican votes. The challenges facing this are numerous, especially whether he can cut bipartisan deals in a deeply divided House. He will have to negotiate a six-month-long CR with Democrats. (FWIW: Dilbert endorsed a CR last night.) Yet he also seems intent on codifying the DOGE cuts in a CR package. There’s no way Democrats will go for that. MAGA Mike intends to make the argument that Democrats are standing up for what Republicans dismiss as waste, fraud and abuse. But some Republicans might not vote for a bill that makes permanent all of DOGE’s cuts. Doing this would be nearly impossible given the narrow Republican House majority. And that’s before you get to its likely failure in the Senate, where some Republicans have been pushing for a simple funding extension with as few changes as possible; they have 53 votes and need to find seven Democrats to pass any funding bill. Add all this up, and you can see why some Republicans hope Johnson doesn’t embrace this idea. Expect the government to shut down. Given what Dilbert is doing, this is not a bad thing.

From the Department of He Doesn’t Care What You Think About His Monumental Corruption: Dilbert and his team continue to undermine the rule of law in the United States. The SEC has stopped prosecution of Justin Sun, a Chinese cryptocurrency entrepreneur who had been charged in March 2023 with securities fraud. After Dilbert was elected in 2024, Sun bought $30 million worth of his World Liberty Financial crypto tokens, which put $18 million directly into Dilbert’s pockets. Since then, Sun bought another $45 million in WLF. Altogether, he has bribed Dilbert with more than $50 million. The SEC also appears to have dropped prosecution of the crypto trading platform Coinbase after the platform donated $75 million to a PAC associated with Dilbert and donated $1 million to The Enshittification.

From the Department of He’s Still A Worthless Old Racist Scumbag: AP reports that Dilbert plans to issue an Executive Order today making English the official language of the United States. While he doesn’t have the legal ability to do that, he does have the ability to profoundly change the operations of the federal government. In a move meant to play to all the dumbassed racist old Boomers who don’t like hearing “For English, Press 1,” the executive order will allow government agencies and organizations that receive federal funding to choose whether to continue to offer documents and services in languages other than English, according to a fact sheet about the impending order. The executive order will rescind a mandate from President Clinton that required the government and organizations that received federal funding to provide language assistance to non-English speakers. Any organization receiving federal funding will feel pressured to not offer non-English services and documents, but that is what Dilbert wants. 22% of residents in the U.S. speak a language other than English. 13.2% speak Spanish. Nearly 100% are non-white. You do the math. The Executive Order isn’t really about making English our official language; it’s about harming people who aren’t white, Dilbert’s second-favorite activity after sexual assault. Your assignment, should you care to accept: learn how to say “fuck you, you racist old motherfucker” in three different languages. That’s “Vete a la mierda, viejo racista hijo de puta,” in Spanish.

From the Department of ZMAGA Will Fuck You Every Time: Last week, former NFL punter Chris Kluwe staged a one-man protest last week at a Huntington Beach City Council meeting where the conservative council was discussing plans to install a plaque at the public library with phrasing that spells out MAGA in bold letters. Kluwe told the council he believes MAGA stands for censorship, racism and is “explicitly a Nazi movement.” He then approached the dais and got arrested, later being charged with a misdemeanor for disturbing an assembly. The Huntington Beach City Council has made a series of controversial pro-Dilbert moves in recent years regarding the city’s beloved public library system, most notably, establishing a citizen committee with the power to censor children’s books. Kluwe said those moves inspired him to take action. This morning, Kluwe announced he was fired yesterday from his coaching job at Huntington Beach’s Edison High School for his actions at the City Council meeting. In case you didn’t know it, Huntington Beach has the biggest population of Dilbert Dickwads in what the late great Jim Ladd always called Orangatang KKKounty.

From the Department of Good for Them Doing This: Five former defense secretaries lambasted Dilbert for his Pentagon firings, calling them “reckless.” In an extraordinary letter published yesterday in the WaPo, Lloyd Austin, Jim Mattis, Chuck Hagel, Leon Panetta, and William Perry, former defense secretaries from both sides of the aisle, called for congressional hearings into the firing of the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. C.Q. Brown, and other senior military officials. They said the purge was “partisan” by design. “We are deeply alarmed by President Trump’s recent dismissals of several senior U.S. military leaders,” the former officials wrote. “We write to urge the U.S. Congress to hold Mr. Trump to account for these reckless actions and to exercise fully its Constitutional oversight responsibilities.” In response, the White House’s National Security Council spokesperson Brian Hughes said Dilbert’s actions are “well within” his authority. The rebuke follows the firing of Admiral Lisa Franchetti, the first woman to serve as chief of naval operations, and the first woman member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Gen. James Slife, the Air Force’s Number Two, and the top JAG officers for the Army, Navy, and Air Force.

And now some good new for today:

From the Department of Dilbert’s Crypto Scam Bites The Dust: Dilbert’s decision in January just before the Enshittification to launch a memecoin caused a flurry of interest, but activity has now plummeted to an all time low. Both Dilbert’s coin ($TRUMP) and Melanoma’s ($MELANIA) are experiencing a big drop in valuation. Pump.fun, a site that allows users to create and trade memecoins on a Solana blockchain, has also seen interest slump. CNN reports that daily token launches and trading volumes have dropped by more than 50 percent. With interest waning, prices are tanking and retailers are ceasing to trade. In addition, Pump faces lawsuits after investors lost millions due to alleged scams on the site. Also, law firm Burwick stated that the site “has collected hundreds of millions of dollars in fees while illicit drug use, self-harm, racism, antisemitism, lewd acts, bestiality, violent and other antisocial acts were displayed on the platform.” Sounds like Dilbert Wonderland, doesn’t it? I hope all those worthless ignoramus shitbirds lose all their money.

And now, in response to unceasing calls for this, and a personal request from a Major TAFM Supporter, here is some Feline Friday - photos of super-kitten Cookie, who stole my heart 18 years ago, and continues to do it today. I don’t know where she came from, but I found her in the pile of flower pots one evening, crying piteously. When I discovered her location, and reached down to get the little black shadow I saw among the pots, when I pulled my hand back, there she was curled in the palm of my hand. She wasn’t a feral; she was fully domesticated. Where she came from and how a six-week old kitten got over the fences and ended up in my yard, I have never been able to explain.

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