POKING AROUND THE DAY AFTER THE SURRENDER
From the Department of Here’s The News From Earth II, Where the Sky Is Green And the Grass Is Blue: Yesterday, another AP reporter was barred from attending the swearing-in of “Putin’s Girl” Tulsi Gabbard as DNI. Dilbert’s fluffer, Karoline Leavitt, told CNN’s Kaitlan Collins that the White House gets to decide who enters the Oval Office and to bar journalists over editorial decisions it disagrees with, saying: “I was very upfront in my briefing on day one that if we feel that there are lies being pushed by outlets in this room, we are going to hold those lies accountable. It is a fact that the body of water off the coast of Louisiana is called the Gulf of America, and I’m not sure why news outlets don’t want to call it that, but that is what it is.”
From the Department of Over The Cliff With You Fuckface: Back in the heady days of roughly three weeks ago, the corporate owned media was groveling at Dilbert’s knee and trying to sell the idea that he had a mandate to govern. But in only three decades (Weeks? Really??) The Economist/YouGov poll has Dilbert’s approval overall a 47% and disapproval at 49%. That breaks down as approve/disapprove: Women: 39%-52%; Independents: 39%-49%; Age 18-29s: 38%-56%; Hispanics: 34%-60%.
From the Department of Be Sure To Kick Your voters In the Teeth MAGA Dumbfucks: the new “budget” that Rev. MAGA Mike revealed today cuts funding for SNAP by 21%, which equals $230 billion. The problem is that farmers - who vote Republican - count on that $230 billion to keep their farms running. Consider this statistic from the House Agricultural Committee, “In 2020 alone, spending for SNAP created nearly 45,000 jobs in supporting industries including agriculture, manufacturing, transportation and municipal services, and nearly 200,000 U.S. grocery industry jobs earning more than $6.7 billion in wages.” Dilbert got nearly 78% of the vote from farming communities in 2024, and he is thanking them for their support by shutting down USAID and backing a massive cut to SNAP. The Budget Committee was going to mark up the budget resolution today but the resolution needs to get out of the Budget Committee before it can get to the House floor - and once again they don’t have the votes, with two hard-right R’s against it. Yeah, you MAGAt dumbfucks, go right on ahead here.
From the Department of Everything Dilbert Touches, Dies: So Dilbert thought he could force his way through the glass door into that part of society that never has and never will let him in, this time by grabbing the Chairmanship of the Kennedy Center. Hah! Musician Ben Folds said he would resign as artistic adviser to the National Symphony Orchestra, “given developments at the Kennedy Center.” Opera singer and actress Renée Fleming said she would depart from her role as artistic adviser at large to the Kennedy Center. Shonda Rhimes, the renowned television writer and producer, resigned from the board after serving as the Kennedy Center’s treasurer. The board’s new members include “God Bless the USA” singer Lee Greenwood, White House chief of staff Susie Wiles, second lady Usha Vance and senior adviser Dan Scavino. They announced Richard Grenell as interim Kennedy Center President. Lotta artistic talent there. Trump said, “We took over the Kennedy Center. We didn’t like what they were showing. “We’re going to make sure that it’s good and it’s not going to be woke. There’s no more woke in this country.” All his taste is in his mouth. Maybe they can get the has-beens who play Branson to show up. Or the ones who play Motel-A-Lardass.
From the Department of They Finally See What they Got Too Late: The WSJ Editorial Board says America’s gold decor-loving, lamebrain in the White House doesn’t understand how money actually works. When consumer price inflation unexpectedly rose to 3 percent, prompting an excitable post from Dilbert on Lies Antisocial saying that interest rates should be lowered and that this would go “hand in hand with upcoming Tariffs!!!” “Does President Trump understand money? ... the answer would appear to be no,” the WSJ editorial board replied, going on to explain why doing such a thing might cause inflation to soar - and Dilbert’s approval ratings to plunge. “Perhaps the president wants the public to look elsewhere when assigning blame for rising prices,” it said. Under the headline “Trumponomics and Rising Inflation,” they said “The layers of intellectual confusion here are hard to parse. Rising inflation means the Fed must be more cautious in cutting rates. He has the analysis backward, if he’s trying to blame the Federal Reserve. Someone should tell him,” about what was actually to blame for the potential for a pause in rate cuts. How could those wonderful tariffs that are going to let us drop the income tax lead to anything bad happening in what used to be the country the rest of the world respected. Until 74 million drooling morons put “the most determined ignoramus I ever met” in charge of the national piggy bank? “If this persists, Mr. Trump won’t have a 53% job approval rating for long.”
From the Department of Dilbert Can Even Fuck Up A Pogrom: On Enshittification Day, Dilbert promised he would see to it that “millions and millions” of people would be flown out of the U.S. But to deport just one million illegal “aliens” would mean that Maladministration II would need to repatriate some 2,700 individuals daily for a full year. ICE is nowhere near that figure due to dwindling funds, huge bills and no space to hold individuals. According to ICE, the highest daily arrest total was 1,100. The White House last released a daily total on Feb 4., with just 800 arrests reported. Dilbert is growing “angry” at the state of play, and wants “border czar” Tom Homan to deliver 1,200 to 1,400 daily arrests. The dumbfucks continue to use military aircraft that cost 3x a civilian airliner for propaganda shots, spending $3 million to repatriate 100 migrants to India on a military plane this month. Even if Reichsmarschall Homan achieves a daily quota of 1,400 people, there is nowhere to put them. He reportedly wants to double beds in ICE concentration camps to 100,000.
From the Department of The Peckerwood God-Botherers Are At It Again: This is what theocracy looks like: Alabama lawmakers are weighing a new rule that could require schools to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and a Judeo-Christian prayer at the beginning of the day, or forfeit state funding. HB321, could end up on a ballot in a future election if House lawmakers approve it. The legislation would not require students to recite the pledge and prayer, but schools that do not comply could lose 25% of their annual state funding, which for some administrations amount to millions. Head God Bothering Hayseed State Rep. Reed Ingram said, “It’s just ethics and the basics of what our country is built on.” Ummm, no, you dumbfucking semi-literate Confederate shitkicker, god isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. Perhaps you should reconsider taking that remedial course in reading comprehension, you inbred white trash.
From the Department of You fucking Knew This Would Happen: Robert F. Kennedy is now the nation’s top health official, after the Senate Thursday voted almost entirely on party lines to confirm him. The 52-48 confirmation vote brings to a close a contentious three-month confirmation fight that served as a significant test of the Republican Party’s loyalty to President Trump. Sens. Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska), who have stood up to Trump previously and opposed Pete Hegseth’s nomination to lead the Pentagon, this week said they would support Kennedy despite their lingering concerns over his stance on vaccines. Only polio survivor Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) cast a GOP vote against Kennedy’s confirmation, after previously bucking his party on Trump’s defense secretary and national intelligence director. Late last year, he broadly criticized efforts to revoke approval of the polio vaccine. Hey Mitch, you worthless old traitor, just think what would be happening in this country right now if you had voted to convict Dilbert for his treason on January 6, 2021? You may be “voting right” now but it’s fucking useless - all because of you, you worthless Unreconstructed Confederate piece of shit. Burn in hell for 100 eternities, you southern-fried motherfucker.
From the Department of The Monster Is Growing: Elmo’s Doggy Department has increased its spending from $6.75 million to $14.4 million, according to an updated financial filing. The financial filing just describes the budgetary resources as “anticipated reimbursements from agencies in support of Software Modernization Initiative.”
From the Department of Why Would We Want To Give Money To Scientific Research?: In the 1980s John Pisano, a biochemist with a penchant for venoms, and a young gastroenterologist Jean-Pierre Raufman were working with poisonous lizard venom from the Gila monster, a slow-moving reptile native to the south of the United States and north of Mexico. By the 1990s, Pisano, Raufman and colleague John Eng identified a hormone-like molecule they called exendin-4. This stimulated insulin secretion via action at the same receptor as GLP-1. Excitingly, exendin-4 was not quickly metabolized by the body, and so might be useful as a diabetic therapeutic. The research was funded by the Department of Veterans Affairs, and some of the research he built on was funded by the National Institutes of Health. The end result of this research is the “miracle” weight loss drug Ozempic, a completely unintended result of the research.
Finally, from The Department of This Was Inevitable: Major retailers across the country have begun limiting the number of cartons of eggs shoppers can buy, as prices continue to climb amid a decimated chicken supply. At Trader Joe's, customers can only buy one or two dozen a day. The limit is in effect at all locations. "We hope these limits will help to ensure that as many of our customers who need eggs are able to purchase them when they visit Trader Joe's," the company said in a statement. The supply of eggs has been rocked by a bird flu outbreak that has persisted since 2022. Since then, nearly 160 million birds from commercial and backyard flocks have been affected. The problem has gotten worse in recent months. From November to December, the number of birds infected increased by more than 11 million, and by nearly 5 million from December to January, according to USDA data. Hey all you braindead motherfuckers who voted a goddamned criminal traitor back into office because you were upset over the price of eggs: go fuck yourselves repeatedly in your faces, you worthless scum. Then die. I’d say “make America great again” but that’s never going to happen after yesterday.
The good news:
From the Department of Take Your Victories Where You Find Them: Congressional Democrats held district town halls yesterday by phone and zoom, and some in person - they were overwhelmed by the number of voters who called in to the town halls to tell them to up their game in opposing everything the traitors do. It happened at the town hall held by my congressman, Brad Sherman.
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Thank you so much for all the work and research you put into your column! I know it must take a lot of effort. I also love your entertaining introductions to each new topic, and your hilarious and raunchy sobriquets. Substack is a wonderful source of real and timely information thanks to people like you.
Here's my Christian/Judeo prayer for Rep. Ingram: "Dear Lord, spare us all indoctrination distractions from our central mission, that of basic literacy and mathematical skills, history, the arts, and understanding of human nature. And please have our religious institutions withdraw from politics and return to spreading the word and saving souls."
As for canceling funding for scientific research, may grave afflictions land on the retrogrades who now have control of our country. I will save my sympathy for those who will be innocent victims of these sadists.
Finally, Tom and all here, keep an eye on Libertarian leaning Mark Cuban who seems to be raising his profile, possibly for a run in 2028. We need to be cautious in glomming onto him just because we're desperate for leadership and he already has a notable business record. We need to be sending messages of encouragement to local leaders who should bump their statuses up a notch. I will continue to encourage/nag our county executive to run for House rep in his district.