POKING AROUND ON DAY 18

There are 635 days left to the midterms.

From the Department of Whackadoodles Gotta Whackadoodle: Did you know that Elmo’s Children’s Crusade has found out that USAID spent $8 million propping up media sites like POLITICO? Yeah, me neither. It’s another pile of bullshit from the MAGA truthtellers, that got started back on Tuesday with the news after it was reported that a “technical error” had Politico employees not receiving their last paychecks, followed by a Xitter (that’s pronounced “shitter”) post by former Faux Snooze producer and current wingnut podcaster Kyle Becker who posted the news and said the glitch was due to USAID funding being blocked. Flyover Loserville was on fire with the “discovery.”Podcaster Benny Johnson was all over it. This morning, Dilbert was all agog with how his co-president had found all this “waste.” He was so excited he posted in ALL CAPS AT Lies Antisocial: “LOOKS LIKE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS HAVE BEEN STOLLEN AT USAID, AND OTHER AGENCIES, MUCH OF IT GOING TO THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA AS A “PAYOFF” FOR CREATING GOOD STORIES ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS,” the president wrote. “THE LEFT WING ‘RAG,’ KNOWN AS ‘POLITICO,’ SEEMS TO HAVE RECEIVED $8,000,000. Did the New York Times receive money??? Who else did??? THIS COULD BE THE BIGGEST SCANDAL OF THEM ALL, PERHAPS THE BIGGEST IN HISTORY! THE DEMOCRATS CAN’T HIDE FROM THIS ONE. TOO BIG, TOO DIRTY!” He went on to go off-message bout this to the Fundiescumbags at the National Prayer Breakfast this morning: “Did you see what happened yesterday where they found hundreds of millions of dollars of money was fraudulently given to newspapers and, I guess, Politico,” he declared. “I don’t know if they’re here. I hope you are enjoying your breakfast. They gave money to all this out of USAID. It came out hundreds of just tremendous amounts of money that had nothing to do with anything. This is a terrible thing that was experienced, but we are catching them left and right. We’re catching them. We are catching them to a point where they don’t know what the heck is going on. They can’t believe they are getting caught. I have great respect for the people that are doing it. Elon Musk is helping us on it.” Presidential Fluffer Karoline Leavitt was all over it at her “briefing.” Wow, Dilbert caught us! Red handed!! The truth, as usual, was a bit less. The Dispatch reported on Wednesday, Politico did not receive “substantial funds” from USAID: “Becker and Johnson’s claims are false. The only payments received by Politico LLC from USAID were for two subscriptions to E&E—an energy and environment publication it produces—totaling $44,000 over two years.” The only “media” receiving secret payments in all this is Johnson, who was outed last year for receiving several million dollars from Vladimir Putin. The stupid really burns on this one.

From the Department of Where In Hell Is That Fatal Hamberder?: Dilbert got his jollies yesterday, pulling legs off grasshoppers and tossing them into a stirred-up red ant pile... um, no, it wasn’t that, it was worse. The most worthless piece of shit to ever live signed an executive order Wednesday intended to ban transgender athletes from participating in girls’ and women’s sports. Titled “Keeping Men Out of Women’s Sports,” it gives federal agencies wide latitude to ensure entities that receive federal funding abide by Title IX in alignment with Maladministration II’s view, which interprets “sex” as the gender someone was assigned at birth. Dilbert crowed, “With this executive order, the war on women’s sports is over.” the crowd in the East Room included lawmakers and female athletes who have come out in support of a ban, including former collegiate swimmer Riley Gaines. Presidential Fluffer Karoline Leavitt said the order “upholds the promise of Title IX” and will require “immediate action, including enforcement actions, against schools and athletic associations” that deny women single-sex sports and single-sex locker rooms. Dilbert also announced he wants the International Olympic Committee to change the rules and ban transgender athletes from participating in the Olympics ahead of the 2028 Summer Games in Los Angeles. The. Cruelty. Is. The. Point.

From the Department of This Dumb Bimbo Really Is A Stupid Bimbo: Attention whore Nancy Mace got zinged and then some. It started with Rep. Mike Lawler who wasn’t afraid to mock her after Mace repeatedly used a trans slur at a House hearing on Wednesday; reprimanded for it, Mace then went Full Bratty Child and replied, “tranny, tranny, tranny.” While introducing Rep. Blake Moore at the Washington Press Club Foundation Congressional Dinner on Wednesday, Lawler took his shot: “Nancy Mace has gone so far off the deep end lately that she makes Marjorie Taylor Greene look like Susan Collins.” Wooo!! Mace is the only “congresswoman” whose bra size (of which she is very proud, going by her fashion choices) is bigger than her IQ.

From the Department of Dilbert Could Fuck Up A Wet Dream: Widdle Marco Rubio went to Panama last weekend and discussed the Panama Canal with the country’s president. Panama’s President Raúl Mulino told Widdle Marco that Panama’s sovereignty over the canal was non-negotiable, he also signaled a distancing from China by announcing Panama will quit Beijing’s Belt and Road project. The Panamanian government swiftly shut down a claim by the State Department that American government ships would no longer have to pay fees to transit the Canal. In a statement, Panama’s canal authority made clear it had made no adjustments to tolls, directly contradicting Dilbefrt’s announcement that the policy change would save the U.S. “millions of dollars a year. Then Dilbert went out on Monday and continued to make threats about using the U.S. military to “take back the canal.” The result is the government nnounced the decision is currently “on hold.” ”Way to go, you brain-addled “most determined ignoramus” we ever met. Please, let El Jefe Del Mar A Fuckup eat that fatal hamberder tonight. The only thing more embarrassing than the fact this fuckwit is back in office is the knowledge that 75 million of our fellow Americans are so fucking stupid they bought his bullshit a second time.

From the Department of They’re All Fucking Liars: On January 26, several members of the Sturmabteilung, er, I mean ICE, who were busy running Dilbert’s Pogrom in Utah, claimed that a man swerved into them at a traffic stop. Members of the Unified Police Department were tasked with assisting the ICE agents at a traffic stop in Murray, Utah. When they arrived, the agents had a vehicle stopped and the driver in handcuffs, claiming he swerved towards them. When the officers asked for clarification, they “were unable to obtain a clear response from ICE agents.” Despite the officers voicing concern, the driver, who “appeared emotional, expressed distress over alleged threats made by the ICE agents,” was placed in handcuffs by ICE agents. The man did confess to yelling and honking at the agents but maintained that he never swerved toward them. After the UPD reviewed surveillance footage that seemed to corroborate the driver’s story, a citation was dismissed. UPD contacted ICE to “express concerns regarding the inaccuracies and inconsistencies in their agents' statements.” You have to avoid these evil braindead shitheads. A moment’s sugar high from telling them what you think of their evil will not stop them and will harm you. There are other ways to fight these scummy fucks.

From the Department of He May Be Dumber Than The Energizer Bunny But He’s Still An Evil Shitbird: This morning, as part of his daily assault on the media, Dilbert called for the CBS News program 60 Minutes to be “immediately terminated” and its network shut down, as he escalated campaign threats to punish media outlets that don’t offer coverage to his liking. “CBS and 60 Minutes defrauded the public by doing something which has never, to this extent, been seen before. They 100% removed Kamala’s horrible election changing answers to questions, and replaced them with completely different, and far better, answers, taken from another part of the interview.” He ended with “CBS should lose its license,” adding he considered 60 Minutes “cheaters” and “disreputable ‘NEWS.’” Transcripts released by CBS Wednesday discredited his claim, showing 60 Minutes made routine edits to the Harris interview for time and clarity. Shari Redstone still thinks if she bribes him with the $10 million claimed in his shakedown, er, I mean lawsuit, that she’ll get a pass to sell Paramount (which owns CBS) to David Ellison. Which shows you can have lots of money and still be dumber than shit.

From the Department of Pete Hegseth Is Even Worse Than You Thought: Pete Hegesth’s Venmo is publicly viewable and showing his full list of friends and contacts. While transactions are private, his list of friends on the mobile payment service isn’t; it’s a who’s who of Washington bigwigs, defense contractors, and healthcare executives. The list includes up-and-coming Silicon Valley defense contractors Palantir (founded by Republican superdonor Peter Thiel) and Anduril, both of which already have multimillion-dollar contracts with the DOD. The list also includes Google’s former director of law enforcement and information security, a former advisor to Thiel’s hedge fund, and former Sen. Scott Brown, leader of the Competitiveness Coalition, a group that advocates against anti-trust action. The friends list features executives at UnitedHealth Group, including a vice president, product director, and public affairs consultant.

Hegseth has long pushed for the privatization of Veterans Affairs, the government agency that supplies health insurance for military veterans. While Hegseth doesn’t oversee VA as defense secretary, he could directly attempt to privatize Tricare, the health insurance option for active duty military members. Hegseth also appears to be chummy with far-right conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer, retired mixed martial artist Nik Lentz, and George W. Bush’s former national security advisor Mark Pfeifle.

From the Department of Widdle Marco Is A Dipshit: Widdle Marco says he won’t attend the G20 summit in Johannesburg later this month, because South Africa’s support for DEI and climate change policies are “very bad things.” Writing on Xitter (that’s pronounced “shitter”) hesaid, “I will NOT attend the G20 summit. South Africa is doing very bad things. Expropriating private property. Using G20 to promote ‘solidarity, equality, & sustainability.’ In other words: DEI and climate change.” Ah yes, he does have to support the co-president, everyone’s favorite Unreconstructed Afrikaner Nazi. Marco diminishes himself daily.

Finally - From the Department of We Knew She’d Do This: among the memos establihsing Up-Is-Down World at the Department of Injustice, Pam Bondi released a final memo yesterday. It puts the DOJ at the center of Dilbert’s efforts to destroy any traces of initiatives that would create inclusive and diverse workspaces, otherwise known as DEIA. The new memo, titled “ENDING ILLEGAL DEI AND DEIA DISCRIMINATION AND PREFERENCES,” targets private-sector diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility initiatives for potential “criminal investigation.” The Civil Rights Division, historically charged with protecting the rights of vulnerable minorities, and the Office of Legal Policy are instructed to take a number of steps to attack any private companies that prioritize diverse workforces through DEIA programs. Bondi has given those departments until March 1 to submit a report with their “recommendations” to “encourage the private sector to end illegal discrimination and preferences, including policies relating to DEI and DEIA.” It’s hard to overstate both the constitutional wreckage this crusade will leave in its wake and the havoc it could wreak on the American workforce. In the name of protecting constitutional rights, Bondi’s Justice Department is teeing up an all-out assault on fundamental First Amendment rights to speak, organize, and associate. The Civil Rights Division, which has the government’s leader in the 70 year legal battle to end Jim Crow, will now be the agency charged with enforcing the new Jim Crow. Dilbert and his white supremacist Confederate fuckheads want to bring back segregation and they’re using the Justice Department to do just that. Fuck these motherfuckers right in their motherfucking faces!

Here’s the good news:

From the Department of I Fucking Love This: Experts are blaming Elmo for the fact that sales of Teslas have nosedived across some of the EV manufacturer’s most valuable European markets. Sales in Germany, where Tesla has a factory, dropped a staggering 59 percent in January compared to the same month last year, according to the Financial Times. While the overall German EV market surged by more than 50 percent, Tesla’s share collapsed from 14 percent to just 4 percent. Tesla owners in Germany are scrambling to distance themselves—one entrepreneur has been swamped with orders for a bumper sticker reading, “I bought this before Elon went crazy.” The FT reports that Tesla sales in France were down 63 percent in January, while registrations of new Teslas in Norway fell 38 percent. Let’s drive the Space Nazi out of business. Don’t buy Elmo’s shitty toys that only work 75% of the time and can’t self-drive for shit. I’m at the point I hate going to my local Yuppie Market, er, I mean Trader Joes, where half the oversize Yuppiemobiles in the lot are the Official Car Of White Lib’rul Californians Who Care About Our Environment. Throw a stick in Los Angeles in any direction and you’ll hit ten of the damn things.

From the Department of This Is How You Do It Congresscritters: Reps. Judy Chu (D-Calif.) and Gwen Moore (D-Wisc.) barged into House Speaker Mike Johnson’s office unscheduled on Wednesday and challenged him about Elon Musk's team gaining access to a sensitive payment system at the Treasury Department. Their intrusion, amid an escalation of Democratic backlash against Musk's sweep through the federal government, came shortly after Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent arrived at the speaker’s office to discuss how to implement President Donald Trump’s tax agenda. However, Moore said that Bessent was not in the room when she and Chu confronted Johnson. “Gwen Moore forced her way in there, and then I got to go in right behind her,” Chu told reporters. “And she was already confronting Speaker Johnson about Treasury Secretary Bessent and the stealing of Americans’ private information, tax information that should never be stolen and given to this billionaire Elon Musk.” A Confederate dumbass in MAGA Mike’s office claimed "In the face of incredibly rude, extremely aggressive and frankly unhinged behavior, the Speaker was more than gracious and allowed the members into his personal office to hear their concerns. Chu's communication director, Graeme Crews rejected that portrayal. "She never barged, or shoved her way, into anything. She politely joined the meeting already occurring and the Speaker invited her in for a brief, civil discussion. The Secretary was not present, and she left immediately afterwards.”

Finally:

From the Department of Your Calls To Congress Are Working: Yesterday Chuck Shumer went to the Senate floor and announced Democrats would vote no on all future confirmation votes for Dilbert’s Collection of Broken Toys. He followed that up with Senate Democrats using procedural rules to force Republicans to engage in a 30-hour debate on the appointment of Cardinal Richelieu, er, I mean Russell Vought, as head of OMB, which lasted all night. Way to go, Senate guys and girls! And Lisa Murkowski revealed that the Senate is being slammed with “1,600 calls a minute” rather than the typical 40 amid the chaos of Dilbert’s first three weeks in office.Jim McGovern said, “I can’t recall ever receiving this many calls. People disgusted with what’s going on, and they want us to fight back.” Rep. Mark Pocan said that this week his office “had the most calls we’ve ever had in one day on Monday in 12 years.” A Democratic aide said, “Every Dem is getting lit up by the neo-resistance folks being like ‘do more.’” And for all the Great Ladies here at TAFM who have been reporting how they have made multiple calls a day over multiple days this week to congressional offices to tell their representative to Deal With This Shit, there are as many free drinks as you want over in the bar (I wish!). Seriously, you Great Ladies have Done It, you have shown us all how to Do It and you are Making A Difference. It’s an honor and a privilege to write for you.

The firehose of shit isn’t going to stop. It’s a full-time job, and I could really use your support as a paid subscriber to help this work continue. It’s only $7/month or $70/year.

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