POKING AROUND IN THE AFTERMATH OF KRASNOV'S SOTU

There are 609 days to the mid terms and 9 days to the GOP driving over the cliff. In good news, House Democrats are stiffening their resistance to rescuing Republicans from the looming government shutdown of their own making.

From the Department of This Is A Big Fucking Deal: When Krasnov greeted Chief Justice Roberts at the SOTU last night and said “I won’t forget,” he was likely referring to this news: The Supreme Court in a 5-4 emergency ruling Wednesday refused to halt a judge’s decision ordering the Trump administration to immediately release nearly $2 billion in foreign aid payments owed under existing contracts. It hands a loss to the administration in the first time that Trump’s efforts to drastically reshape federal spending, agency by agency, have reached the high court. Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Amy Coney Barrett joined with the court’s three liberals to side against the administration. Chief Justice John Roberts received the request by default, just hours before last week’s midnight deadline. He issued a brief delay until the court could hear from both sides. Now that it has, the full court denied the administration’s motion, refusing to maintain the freeze on the funding.

From the Department of MAGA Mike Is Far Worse Than You think He Is: A hot mic captured Justa Dimwit Vance telling MAGA Mike he did not know how he managed to “do this” for the entirety of the president’s marathon address to Congress on Tuesday night. Vance first says “I have to be honest with you” before whispering something in MAGA Mike’s ear the mic did not pick up. Vance then says, “By the way, I think the speech is going to be great, but I don’t know how you do this for 90 minutes.” MAGA Mike responded it was harder under Joe Biden because his final State of the Union address was, according to him, more akin to “a stupid campaign speech.” Speaking of Stupid Campaign speeches, you fucking midget-mind...

From the Department of The Party of Law And Order Strikes Again: James Dennehy, the top FBI agent in the NYC field office, was forced to retire, he told colleagues in a farewell email. It’s not clear who is directly responsible for pushing out the senior agent, but it comes after Dennehy urged colleagues in January to “dig in” and resist the DOJ’s purge of FBI agents involved in the Jan. 6 investigations. More absurdly, Dennehy was told to file his retirement papers the day after Attorney General Pam Bondi complained that the FBI’s New York office had not been sufficiently eager to participate in her right-wing PR stunt of releasing the Jeffrey Epstein “file.”

From the Department of The Mendacity Is Truly Mendacious: The U.S. Mint has removed from its website gold commemorative medals honoring the police officers who defended the Capitol on Jan. 6, bronze duplicates of which were previously available for purchase by the public.

From the Department of What Box Of Wheaties Did This Guy Find His Law License In?: Acting D.C. U.S. Attorney Ed Martin has reportedly been stymied in his effort to launch a corrupt criminal investigation of Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). Martin has been agitating to present evidence to a federal grand jury that Schumer’s 2020 remarks about Supreme Court justices amounted to a threat. Higher-ups at the Justice Department have rebuffed Martin, the NYT reports.

From the Department of Alina Really Habba No Brain: White House adviser Alina Habba, who came under fire in January for applauding alleged sex-trafficker Andrew Tate, says she doesn’t feel sorry for DOGE-fired military veterans. The former personal lawyer to President Donald Trump said that vets impacted by the federal layoffs may not be “fit to have a job at this moment.”The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has sent thousands of Americans to the streets after billionaire comrades Trump and Elon Musk swore to slash the federal workforce. But even with countless families facing lower incomes, Habba told reporters that she has no sympathy. “I really don’t feel sorry for them,” she said. “They should get back to work for the American people, like President Trump.” Open the Dictionary of Slang to “Airheaded Bimbo” and you’ll find Alina’s photo there.

From the Department of Do Not Fuck With Doug Ford: The Liquor Control Board of Ontario says it is pulling American-made spirits in response to the U.S. and Canada’s escalating tariff feud. “As part of Ontario’s response strategy to U.S. tariffs, the government of Ontario has directed LCBO to take operational steps to implement restrictions on all U.S. beverage alcohol sales and related imports into Ontario, effective immediately,” the liquor board said in a statement Tuesday. “Our in-store teams can help customers find alternative products from our extensive selection of products from Ontario, Canada, and around the world.” The LCBO’s main website was changed to a brief disclaimer page Tuesday afternoon. “Our site is temporarily unavailable while we remove U.S. products in response to U.S. tariffs on Canadian goods,” the site read. “Our in-store customer service remains unaffected.” Eric Gregory, president of the Kentucky Distillers’ Association, said the new tariffs will have “far-reaching consequences” beyond Ontario’s decision to pull American liquor. Kentucky produces about 95 percent of the world’s Bourbon. “That means hard-working Americans – corn farmers, truckers, distillery workers, barrel makers, bartenders, servers and the communities and businesses built around Kentucky Bourbon will suffer,” Gregory said in a statement. “Retaliatory measures against Bourbon harm these markets and jeopardize growth for years to come, including the unjust and disproportionate removal of American spirits from retail shelves and prohibition on new purchases of alcohol from American companies.” Maybe you should have thought things through back on November 5 before you voted, you dumb fucking hillbilly.

From the Department of You Really Do Not Want To Piss Off Doug Ford: Ontario cancelled its $100-million contract with Elmo’s Starlink satellite internet company on Tuesday. Premier Doug Ford announced that Ontario will ban all United States-based companies from taking part in provincial procurement as part of retaliatory measures in the North American trade war. The contract was signed in November, 2024 and intended to bring high-speed internet to 15,000 eligible homes and businesses by June 2025, while the province was set to pay for the installation and equipment fees. “It’s done, It’s gone,” Ford said, referencing the Starlink contract, in a press conference this morning. “We won’t award contracts to people who enable and encourage economic attacks on our province and our country.”

From the Department of Krasnov Has Well And Truly Fucked The Pooch: Republicans are not settling in for a long trade war with Canada and Mexico, Semafor reports. That’s because they want the 25% tariffs and the retaliatory responses from two key allies to end quickly through negotiations. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick signaled they just might in an interview Tuesday afternoon on Fox Business, but Trump gave no indication of plans to ease them during his address while touting his plans for broader reciprocal tariffs next month. Krasnov says the Canada and Mexico tariffs are all about stopping fentanyl flows, but even some Republicans aren’t quite sure what the end goal is. “I do know the harm it’s going to cause the economy, and the stock market is showing it,” said Sen. Ron Johnson, (R-Wisconsin Fuckwit).

From the Department of He Knows How Badly He Fucked The Pooch: Krasnov sounded a positive note on President Volodymyr Zelenskyy during his speech, a sign of a potential breakthrough following last week’s Oval Office fakaktet and the decision Monday to pause military aid shipments. He said he “appreciate[d]” Zelenskyy’s message and had gotten “strong signals” the Russian side was “ready for peace,” but didn’t mention the proposed US-Ukraine critical minerals bargain. This came hours after Zelenskyy posted on X that the country is “ready to come to the negotiating table,” laying out the beginning stages of a peace proposal that could see prisoners released and a ban on aerial attacks. Zelenskyy described the Friday Fakakte as “regrettable” but stopped short of apologizing.

From the Departmemnt of How Badly Has He Fucked UP?: One casualty of the trade wars could be gas prices.40% of the crude oil US refineries process to make gasoline is imported from abroad, with Canada and Mexico together supplying the majority of it, meaning tariffs could boost prices at the pump. Oil prices fell this week as OPEC+ stuck to a plan to increase production for the first time since October 2022. While the move followed public pressure from Krasnov, the increase had long been in the works, Amena Bakr, who heads up Middle East Energy & OPEC+ research at Kpler, writes in Semafor. “Trump’s broader policy direction, including tariffs and tighter sanctions on Iran, remains a major factor that OPEC+ is keeping in the ‘wait and see’ column for now.”

From the Department of Luigi Was Right: The company that makes Tasers is looking to arm CEOs’ security teams with “less lethal” weapons following the fatal shooting of United Healthcare’s Brian Thompson, Semaforreports. “Over the next year, you might start to hear more about certain CEOs being protected by Taser,” said Josh Isner, president of Axon Enterprise, saying his business had received several inquiries from companies since Thompson’s killing. In addition to the signature weapon it sells to law enforcement, Isner said the company was developing “more covert” devices that could be worn more comfortably in “an executive security type of scenario.” Axon told investors on a recent earnings call that corporate customers represented one of its largest growth opportunities. It has separately begun to sell them equipment to defend their headquarters and warehouses against drone attacks, he said. We have them on the run!

Fromn the Department of Take These Little Fucks Out And Hang Them From The Nearest Lamp Post: Staffers at DOGE are drawing “robust taxpayer-funded salaries” from the agencies they are slashing and burning, accordingf toWIRED.Jeremy Lewin, tasked with dismantling USAID, who has also played a role in DOGE’s incursions into the National Institutes of Health and the CFPB, is making just over $167,000 annually; he is assigned to the Office of the Administrator within GSA. Kyle Schutt, a software engineer at the CISA, is drawing a salary of $195,200 through GSA, where he is assigned to the Office of the Deputy Administrator. That is the maximum that any “General Schedule” federal employee can make annually, including bonuses. “You cannot be offered more under any circumstances,” the GSA compensation and benefits website reads. Nate Cavanaugh, a 28-year-old tech entrepreneur who is interviewing GSA employees as part of DOGE’s work, is being paid just over $120,500 per year. According to DOGE’s official website, the average GSA employee makes $128,565 and has worked at the agency for 13 years. When Elmo started recruiting for DOGE in November, he described the work as “tedious” and noted that “compensation is zero.”

Take your good news where you find it:

From the Department of Good News: Since the election, Della Volpe started a monthly poll at SocialSphere tracking attitudes of voters under the age of 30, a group Democrats traditionally depended on in presidential elections, but that Kamala Harris failed to win by a large enough margin to put her in the White House. The main reason? Younger men broke decisively to Trump, by 14 points, after Biden won them by a large margin just four years earlier. The reasons are manifold but concerns about opportunities for success in the post-Covid economy were chief among them. Six weeks into the Krasnov presidency, his support among young voters is already taking an unambiguous hit, as expectations about a shiny new economy collide with reality. His overall favorability with younger voters has dropped seven points since the weekend before the Enshittification. He came into office with a 50 percent favorable rating among Gen Z voters. Now, it’s 43 percent. Since mid-January his favorable rating has dropped most significantly among young rural voters (down 17 points), independents (down 13 points), white women (down 10 points), and women overall (down 10 points). But when it comes to specific questions about how he’s handling the economy and inflation, he’s on much shakier ground with young men. In January, 62 percent of men under 30 approved of his handling of the economy. Now, 48 percent approve—a drop of 14 points in one month. On handling inflation, he has dropped from 55 percent approval to just 40 percent. Those downward trends are from the February poll, which was in the field two weeks ago—before multiple news cycles about nagging inflation, before tariffs sent the markets spiraling, before egg prices hit an all-time record, and before Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies took a massive hit.

From the Department of Krasnov Shouldn’t Have Opened His Anus: Krasnov’s SOTU address has already made its way into court, with a group of plaintiffs seeking to dismantle DOGE quickly latching onto the remarks. “DOGE — perhaps you’ve heard of it. Perhaps,” Krasnov said during his address. “Which is headed by Elon Musk, who is in the gallery tonight.” In court, the administration has repeatedly insisted Elmo is not a formal part of DOGE, that he is a senior adviser in the White House with no actual authority. The administration has instead named Amy Gleason as interim DOGE administrator. Kelly McClanahan, an attorney representing plaintiffs in a lawsuit claiming DOGE’s setup doesn’t comply with federal law, submitted a new court filing alerting the judge to the remarks minutes after his speech concluded. Calling it “new evidence,” McClanahan asked the judge to keep the speech in mind as she weighs a request that Elmo and other officials sit for depositions in the case.

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