CRUELLA DE VILLE UNDERSTANDS KRISTI NOEM PERFECTLY

From today’s Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri

Kristi, darling, I understand completely. You kill a single measly ill-behaved puppy, and everyone rushes to judgment! God forbid a woman do anything!

It’s a cruel world — a cruel world, darling! Wretched! Putrid! But Cruella understands. Cruella is writing a check to Kristi Noem right now. What office are you running for? Governor? Vice president? It doesn’t matter! I have your back, a back I trust is covered in a fur as splendid as it is taboo. I am rock-solid for you. Name the figure! Any woman brave enough to fly in the face of societal convention and kill some puppies is a woman after my own heart. We are the real feminists, darling! Don’t forget it!

Society tries to tell us women to be small, darling! It tries to shrink us! It says, “Don’t shoot puppies! Shooting puppies is for serial killers! Men’s work, men’s work, darling! You’re an outlier, a lion in a sea of sheep, and so we call you mad instead of what we ought to call you: brilliant!”

I am paraphrasing society a little.

Too few women in politics are bold enough to look society in the face and say, “No. I will kill puppies, and I will tell the world that I kill puppies.” You are a visionary! But these small minds call us sociopaths! They say that behind our eyes and our teeth, or whatever is going on in the place where our teeth ought to be, there is the wrong amount of soul! But we know best, darling!

They say, “If you cavalierly kill a King Charles spaniel, you are the lowest of the low!” Small, pedestrian minds, walking in the crosswalk while the flashing walk sign is illuminated; we are the drivers who mow them down in our sputtering automobiles with squeals of glee! We see that highest, hardest fur ceiling and we are bold enough to punch through it, in pursuit of a glorious coat of lustrous spots.

You threaten one Dalmatian, or 101, and suddenly everyone tries to paint you as a villain and to write catchy songs with mean-spirited lyrics about how you resemble a spider waiting for the kill. I’m humming it myself, against my will!

Hold your head high, Kristi darling! Men don’t understand fashion, no matter how often you quote the cerulean sweater monologue from “The Devil Wears Prada” to them. They don’t understand that, unlike babies, or good-for-nothing puppies, some things have value: dressing to the nines in deeply illegal fur. And if the only possible way to source such a fur is killing puppies, why, then you kill some puppies, or have Jasper and Horace d o it. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I am the first dog in this scenario, darling.

You must show me the coat, my dear! I must see it! I must see what wonderful use you put that despicable hound to!

No coat? But — I don’t understand. No coat? Then why would you kill the puppy? I beg your pardon? You shot a dog just — because? What kind of monster are you?

I take it back, darling. You’re on your own!

Noem dragged 14 month old puppy Cricket to a gravel pit and shot her dead. “It was not a pleasant job,” she writes, “but it had to be done. And after it was over, I realized another unpleasant job needed to be done.”

The other unpleasant job? Killing a male goat that chased her kids and knocked them down. Again, Noem dragged the animal to the gravel pit and shot — but the goat jumped and was only wounded. Noem went back to her truck, got another shell and went back to the gravel pit to finish off the job.

South Dakota Republican Gov. Kristi Noem has “no shot” at being Donald Trump’s running mate after revealing in a forthcoming book that she shot and killed her puppy, sources close to the 45th president tell The NY Post.

Predatory is the point. Typical Republican bitch Cowgirl Bimbo Kristi needs to be put in that pit and have her worthless fucking head blown off. - TC

That’s Another Fine Mess works because of the paid subscribers who keep the lights on and the bills paid. It’s only $7/month or $70/year.

Comments are for paid subscribers.